Posted by: Sad | 2008/06/09

Molested, please help

When I was 4 years old I was molested by my cousin (then about 22 years old). My mother, walked in on my cousin and immediatly told his parents about it and their excuse was that I must have seduced him (at 4 years of age??!!). I am now almost 25 years old and in this past 20 years I`ve grown to really hate my family. I hate them because they all knew what happened and nobody did something. I still remember everything that happened that day and can`t forget it. My cousin molested another girl a few years ago, but that girl was older and reported it to the police. Knowing my family, my cousin`s case was thrown out. One of my uncles molested my sister about 5 years ago. Yet again, my father knew about it, but did nothing. He just made all kinds of excuses for them.
I hate my family, even the innocent ones. I don`t know how to handle this, my disgust and hate is getting more and more. I don`t think my father or even my family knows that I remember what happened. I`m getting married soon and now my father has started telling the whole family that I think I`m better than them. This is not true.
I know the easy way out is to tell them all why I don`t like them, but then my father will never speak to me again and I would be opening old wounds. He won`t do anything about the matter either. I know he will take their side. Please tell me how to accept what happened. This is the firts time I`ve told someone about this. Help me, please.

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Our expert says:
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Your cousin should have been reported to the police at the time, as well as his ludicrous parents. Of course a 4 year-old doesn't seduce anyone --- and even if a child bizarrely tried to do so, any competent adult would know that it was wrong to respond in any way other than to leave the scene and inform her parents.
You seem to be describing a disgraceful family that not only tolerated but encouraged child molestation. But at this stage, so long afterwards --- look at the options.
Its almost certainly too late to bring a successful prosecution, and that wouldn't benefit you --- UNLESS the uncle or whoever else might be reasonably suspected of CURRENTLY molesting other kids, in which case the police and child welfare should be informed to check on this.
For yourself, its entirely understandable that you would hate such morally warped people, but that hatred and anger is not benefitting you in any way. See a good local counsellor and work on this, for your own sake. And don't allow yourself to be pressured into inviting any of the molesters or their protectors to your wedding --- it's your wedding, and your right to invite only good people you respect and like.
Oh, and Been There, DO see a counsellor --- that is confidential, and never involves any requirement for you to tell your husband WHY you need to see someone, other than that you're troubled by some concerns and want to deal with them better

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Our users say:
Posted by: Bene there | 2008/06/09

Dear Sad, I know what you are going through. I was molested since the age of 5 by different family members. I am now 22, married and still trying to forget the past. No one knows about it. I heard that my uncle also molested his own daughter. It's very hard to forget and to move on. My sex life with hubby isn't all that good either, don't know if my past has something to do with it. I'm trying very hard.
I would like to see a counsellor, but then I would have to tell hubby and I can't.
Hope you find the help you need.

Reply to Bene there
Posted by: sad | 2008/06/09

I know child molestation is a criminal offence, but I can`t report it because my only witness is my mother. She would cladly testify if it wasn`t for my father. You see, my father has no other friends than his family. They mean everything to him. If I reported this (don`t know if i still can it happened 20 years ago) I will take away his family. He and they will never forgive me for it. My uncle also has a way of "convincing" people of his son`s innocence. I will look like the idiot in all of this. He has molested one girl, that I know of, other than me. I don`t have any other option than to try and accept what happened.

Reply to sad
Posted by: Sg | 2008/06/09

Whilst I am no expert,child molestation is a criminal offence and needs to be reported to the police.This person will surely do it again if he is not stopped.
Secondly,I suggest you see a counsellor to work through the issues.
The fact that your family don't stand by you or believe you is rather disturbing.You don't "have" to accept what happened,you have the right to make a difference.Do it !

Reply to Sg

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