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Question
Posted by: Hope* | 2007/11/30

Mind of abuser

Hi CS, the post of the mind of the abuser brings me to ask a question I have long wondered about. What does go on in the mind of an abuser. Do they not feel anything, do they have remorse after the abusive act, how can anyone enjoy abusing a child, and adult, a woman, a man, and see that person suffer. How about abuse towards animals. Whats wrong with these people? How can a parent abuse their own child? How does this happen? I have read that often the abused becomes an abuser. How? I have been abused and will never abuse someone else because I know how it feels? What is it then? Do you think all people have a choice if they have been abused or are they so compelled to do harm that all logic goes out the window? Why do they always try and make it the abused fault, especially the sexual abusers? I just dont understand. Thanks for everything CS.

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Our expert says:
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Gosh, but I wish we all had good answers to such an important questioj, Hope* ! And while I agree that any form of deliberate cruelty could be called evil, in a way that's just a circular argument, as we could equally well describe evil as deliberate cruelty. I agree with anon that abuse, like rape, and many other social patholgies has a lot to do with "about power, control, manipulation and domination", and the abuser gets their kicks more from the sense of power over someone else than from the specifics of whatever they do to them. And while it is true that SOME formerly abused people eventually become abusers ( most do no, of course ) the puzzle is more than ANYONE could abuse after having experienced it --- but I suppose if the abuse made you feel persistently powerless, perhaps the experience of exerting coercive power over someone else could seem to counteract that, though obviously it is ineffective, as abusers tend to abuse recurrently, so it doing so doesn't solve or relieve nything for them. I think it tends to happen when inner feelings of helplessness and anger predominate and overwhelm.
And as for blaming the victim, well, most aggressive people prefer to blame anyone or anything other than themselves. I wish I had better answers

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Our users say:
Posted by: anon | 2007/11/30

Just Another Opinion,

I disagree with you" that most abused victims stay victims as long as they live".

People who haven't been abused can be victims and carry the "victim" mentality.

Also generalising that all abused people become abusers, not sure where that comes from....we all do have a choice. I would call them survivors and not victims, people who survived whatever abuse and find some sort of healing and choose not to behave that way to other people.

I think a lot of abuse is about power, control, manipulation and domination. The abuser has such low self confidence and self esteem/psychological problems/borderline personality disorder, that they gain their power abusing others. A lot of them learn this type of behaviour from their role model parents, if they come from abusive/dysfunctional backgrounds. Not all though go out and perpetrate the same behaviour on others.



Reply to anon
Posted by: JUST ANOTHER OPINION | 2007/11/30

HOPE ,
I suppose if we knew all the answers we would be able to prevent this evil,because thats what it is in my opinion,evil !!!!.
Every form ,verbal ,sexual ,physical is just plain evil.
I think that most abused people dont become abusers ,they stay victims as long as they live -sad as it is.Im sorry you are a victim,and hope you will be healed in time , but we as a society FAIL each victim or this would stop at some point , but it doesnt.In our country with its terrible history that was sanctioned so long by our previous government and weak current governmet,is a breading ground for this evil.Its the world coming to its end if only all would see it that way.We were not created to hurt each other,but to much liberty ,freedom and so-called rights is just ruining it for all of the good people out there.No child ,woman ,man old or young, rich or poor deserves to be abused.Soon we will have a president that does not respect woman,where will this leave us..... GOD HELP US !

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