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Question
Posted by: Fiona | 2008/07/14

mens fighting patterns

When men are angry at their wives - do they generally ignore them? My husband and I aren't talking, we were arguing, and suddenly he just says I'm on my own basically and leaves the room and sleeps on the couch - we haven't spoken since then, a few nights ago. I refuse to budge because I'm sick of this kind of manipulation. ie: walking out and never resolving a fight, or this 'feminine' childish silent treatment. It's never been this bad.

Is this a cover up excuse for something else or is he genuinely upset over our fight? I'm starting to wonder if it's because the ex love of his life is recently married. Paranoia.

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Our expert says:
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He could be genuinely upset, and could also be covering up for something else, or both. Only he might be able to tell you. When you two get talking again, encourage him to join you in marriage counselling

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Our users say:
Posted by: Similar | 2008/07/14

Hi Fiona
I'm currently in a similar situation but unmarried and pregnant. For the 1st time in 3 yrs I've also decided that I'll follow his lead and keep quiet. I'm tired of being the peacemaker all the time. This time around I even suspect that he is cheating. Makes me wonder if this is the person I eventually want to marry but at the same time I know if I call the shots and say I want out, I'll be labelled selfish in light of the fact there is an unborn baby involved. I'm just waiting for any suggestion from him to say he wants out and I'm going to take it.
Good luck and thinking about you as I face my own battles!

Reply to Similar
Posted by: Fiona | 2008/07/14

I am now very much so independent...
Well, he mostly goes to sleep or play games, and occasionally leaves in his car. This weekend he was out for hours, but so was I - had appointments and family dinners, and had to make excuses for him of course. I think it is over, it always has been, his parents had a rocky marriage and set a bad example for him in my opinion. I'm not perfect but I tried. He never makes decisions, so I will have to end it as well.

Reply to Fiona
Posted by: SR | 2008/07/14

Maybe you must start to turn the screws on. Start planning and living your life independantly from him. When you guys fight does he storm out of the house and leave you for hours ?

Reply to SR
Posted by: Fiona | 2008/07/14

It's like this for 6 years now.
I think I've given up. I used to always urge him to talk, and now I can't handle it, I need to be heard too. Men get all the attention it seems... after the wedding.
Before the wedding - everyone used to praise me and were under the impression he wasn't good enough for me. (Not that I thought it, I loved him) Now that we're married, if there's a fight or we separate, I'm the b---h! He's the poor man who must be with a bad woman! Oh I hate these double standards.
Anyway thanks for the advice, even though nothing including marital counselling, has worked. I was the only one who contributed, but I won't be like the women who grow to 40-50 and realize they missed out on their life.

Reply to Fiona
Posted by: John | 2008/07/14

You can't 'fight' if you walk away. Its a lousy coping mechanism and its avoidance of the issue. And yes, its childish as the passive agressive technique is meant to bully you into submission. Tell him that you and him really need to learn to how 'fight' productively - i.e., so that the issue is resolved - and you need counselling to learn how. The silent treatment is the choice of the desparate in a pathetic attempt to be seen 'keeping quiet before I say sometheing the will hurt you' (which, incidentally, is preferable to bottling things up). By the way, do not assume its because his ex got married - one of you needs to have a level-head right now and, since you are closer to being coherent about the matter, do not cloud the issue. 'Ex infatuation', to coin a phrase, is another matter altogether and is excellent material for well-conducted fight so save it for later.

Reply to John
Posted by: SR | 2008/07/14

Fiona = he cannot communicate his feelings or get what he wants to say to you accross to you. You need to sit him down and make him feel comfortable enough to share his feelings. Ensure him that no matter what comes out of his mouth you will be able to listen without disrupting him. Tell him to speak his mind and get his message accross. You may not like what he has to say but at least if its out you both can work on it and develop from there?

If you guys are arguing there must be a topic that you are arguiing about and I'm sure he voices his opinion, could that be his main gripe or do you think he argues for another reason?

Reply to SR

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