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Posted by: Phia | 2004/11/01

Men and porn - update

Regarding the posting last week about men and porn, I thought I'd give you my 2 cents worth, just for interests sake...

Fact of life #1: All men enjoy porn at some stage. For many men it's a lifelong relationship.

Fact of life #2: Just like women may look at an ad for choclate and crave one, men see a picture of a naked women and lust after her. This has nothing to do with reality.

Fact of life #3: If the wife makes an issue of this, the husband is going to do it behind her back.

Fact of life #4: When they look at porn, men masturbate. When they look at their wives, they want to have sex. There is a huge emotional difference between the two actions, even for men.

Fact of life #5: Many women enjoy porn as well. Those who do usually have a very fulfilling sexual relationship with their partners. Those who don't usually feel degraded and abandoned by their husbands.

(These "facts of life" was given to me, typed and framed, by my husband when we were still dating and I discovered his stash of porn magazines. It has made a tremendous difference in my attitude towards the problem!)

Go well,
Phia

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

hanks, Phia, for this contribution, which makes a lot of sense. Sadly, "married woman",s response is the sort of attitude that leads to much misery and broken marriages. You need feel no more jealous of a porno popsie than of a chocolate bar.
Susan, you're fully entitled to say that it isn't normal FOR YOU, and is weird TO YOU, but that doesn';t make it abnormal or weird for everyone else. I find body percing repulsive personally, but don't call it abnormal when others seem to enjoy it. Porn does NOT lead any man to have affairs. But a failing marriage may both lead to an increased interest in porn AND to a vulnerability to affairs. There is NO good evidence that porn ever causes problems, rather than occasionally being caused by the same difficulties that ALso lead to problems. And you seem to misunderstand Chelle's point --- in such a marriage there isn't "all that going on in the background" --- it's going on in the foreground.
Coc similarly universalizes her own views which are entirely justifiable if stated as her personal views. Coco find porn degrading to women. Fine. Not all woman agree, and there is no evidence to support the view that it causes anything looking like degradation to any women, when viewed by otherwise normal men and women.
And there's something wrong with"walking in" on partners, rather than respecting their privacy.
Amazing how eager some people are to label OTHER people as being "sick". Personally, I find such eagerness far sicker than whatever they're being rude about.
I find rugby boring ( now there's a far more shocking admission than anything seen in the forum today !) --- but I don't consider rugby fanatics, or rugby players, to be sick or antisocial, just as having different tastes to mine.



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Our users say:
Posted by: Confused | 2004/11/03

Thanks for all the response. Most of it was quite enlightening. I must however respond to some of you who missed the boat somehow. The issue I had was the fact that my husband had to jerk off while looking at some dirty whore-types THE NIGHT AFTER WE HAD GREAT SEX. Also, our sex-life IS adventurous. Also, this has nothing to do with watching porn. This has to do with the fact that he has to jerk off while looking at other women. Also, regarding the privacy thing!! It is MY house too. I got home, called him, no reply, so I walked in through an OPEN door and caught him with his pants down.
I have actually worked out that to meet his standards I have to be a black whore, double-jointed, with long blonde hair, and be a size 8 with huge boobs. NOW do you see why I have an issue with it. And just for the record I am a perfect 10 with killer legs. (Just in case some of you thought I let myself go after we got married!)

Reply to Confused
Posted by: 3e | 2004/11/02

one sentence people. Be open minded!

Reply to 3e
Posted by: miss | 2004/11/01

i agree totally with Phia. there is nothing wrong with it and many couples watch it together. it is part of society today so dont be old fashioned - join in with the fun.

Reply to miss
Posted by: Snooks | 2004/11/01

Ag nee asseblief julle mense, wat is nou so verkeerd daaraan om saam met jou man na so movie te kyk! Dit doen 'n mens se huwelik goed as dit binne perke gedoen word!

Reply to Snooks
Posted by: Suzy | 2004/11/01


Thank goodness there are some woman out there who arnt all insecure and finicky about having fun with there men. I agree..It breaks the routine. The people who are anti this and that probably dont realise that their partners are bored of the routine with them.

Reply to Suzy
Posted by: Jim | 2004/11/01

Well we dont need to go to "sexologists" and have an awesome relationship anyways... and yes it is sick watch others doing it!

Reply to Jim
Posted by: PARIS | 2004/11/01

Hi Kitty....

I am writing this specifically to you, to ask you a question.

I watch porn with my b/f on occassion. Its rare, when we do watch it, but i usually initiate it. Why? well some times i just like to break the routine. I dont watch porn with my b/f simply because i cant bear the thought of him watching by himself, but i watch it because i also enjoy it, and i do get turned on. And also because i learn things from it.

Here is my question. Please could you tell me the difference between reading the cosmo karma sutra once a month (usually titled ''spice up your sexual Karma'' or some thing to that affect) and watching porn? (the only difference in my mind is the graphics) they are both there for one's own enjoyment to spice a relationship up.

If you dont learn some how, how will you ever know. If i never read the cosmo or watched some porn on occasion i would still be doing the missionary position.

Just an observation.

PARIS
XXX

Reply to PARIS
Posted by: Suzy | 2004/11/01


DOnt all be so narrow minded and old fashioned. If sexologists tell couples who want to spice up there sex lives to get porn videos it doesnt mean its sick. Grow up and enjoy life before your partners get borded and leave.

Reply to Suzy
Posted by: jim | 2004/11/01

WRONG WRONG WRONG..sis on all you ladies out there!

You relationship 100% - sure just wiat until you arent avaliable or away then what will he do?

Reply to jim
Posted by: PARIS | 2004/11/01

I agree with Suzy and Chelle.

My b/f and i enjoy watching it together, cause it adds spice to our relationship, and some times its very educational too. He loves me more for it, and we dont have a problem in the bedroom, neither are either of us going off and having affairs. Actually our relationship is 100%...

I want to give a huge shout out to Dirk Diggler for making it all possible.

Happy watching.

PARIS
XXX

Reply to PARIS
Posted by: kitty | 2004/11/01

I agree with " The more a man can explore with his partner and be adventurous, the less chance they will want to cheat on them."

But not with watching or looking at that trash!!! Come on people cant you use your own imaginations rather then try pick up disgusting tips...where is your originality here???

Reply to kitty
Posted by: Suzy | 2004/11/01


Woman who are prudes and dont want there husbands watching this and that are usually the woman who find out that their darling husband are having affares as the wives are too dam boring...sorry but its the truth. The more a man can explore with his partner and be adventurous, the less chance they will want to cheat on them.

Reply to Suzy
Posted by: Each to their own | 2004/11/01


WOMAN ALSO LIKE TO WATCH PORN AND THERE IS NOTHING WRONG IN IT. JUST BECAUSE PEOPLE WATCH THEM DOESNT MEAN THAT THEY WANT TO GOET OUT THERE AND HAVE AFFAIRS OR SLEEP WITH OTHER MEN / WOMAN. PORN CAN HELP COUPLES WHO NEED A LITTLE BIT EXTRA TO GET THEM IN THE MOOD. WOMAN AND MEN SHOULDNT GET INSECURE ABOUT VIDEOS. I KNOW LOTS OF COUPLES WHO ENJOY THEM. ITS USUALLY THE WOMAN WHO GO OUT AND BUY THEM!!

Reply to Each to their own
Posted by: Chelle | 2004/11/01

Susan - I did say I have no problem with people being opposed to porn and that you are entitled to believe what you want. Don't think I was being touchy at all. :)
It's amazing how you have assumed that something is going on in the background in my relationship - you assume way too many things.

Reply to Chelle
Posted by: Coco | 2004/11/01

A tough subject indeed...
Porn is degrading to woman and turns a beautiful creation into something ugly and disgusting...

Pls tell me how woman out there can be content about life walking in on the partners doing "these acts" and still think there is nothing wrong with it. Its quite shameful if you ask me.

Also very sad at the same time.


Reply to Coco
Posted by: Susan | 2004/11/01

Gosh we are a bit touchy there...Chelle

Everyone is entitled to there own opinion, and obviously you seem to be cool with porn then thats fine too.Hope you relationship stay shealthy with all that going on in the background.

But i have spoken to many of my friends and they feel they same as I do.

Reply to Susan
Posted by: Chelle | 2004/11/01

People throw stuff out like it's a proven fact!

Susan - Please can you show me where it has been proved that porn leads to men "falling and having affairs?" You say that porn isn't enjoyable or normal - please tell me what normal means and who do you speak for when you say porn is not normal? so many people look at porn, but it's not enjoyable and it's not normal - the what is it?
You say married life isn't about doing your own thing - what do you call it when two people in a marriage watch or enjoy porn together? You're entitled to believe what you want and I have no problem with people opposed to porn, but it's frustrauting when people make remarks as though there is only one answer, and also state things a fact absent real proof.

Reply to Chelle
Posted by: Susan | 2004/11/01

Hi there,

I tend to agree with Married Woman, also its not normal or enjoyable?? Thats just wierd...

I dont think woman sulk I think its start to build up an insecurity in them making them feel that they arent good enough and a dissapointment in there husbands too... not to mention porn often leads men to fall and have affaitrs...whats good about that?
And after all married life isnt about a man doing his own thing...
its about the two of you together.


Reply to Susan
Posted by: Zebra | 2004/11/01

Phia, thanks for that! Well said!
Married Woman's response tells you why their are so many women who sulk through life instead of enjoying it.

Reply to Zebra
Posted by: married woman | 2004/11/01

Phia - what rubbish...
Shame that you have to live in a relationship like that!!!

Its not normal - its lustful addiction!!!

Reply to married woman
Posted by: Trish | 2004/11/01

Comparing chocolate to porn hardly seems like a plausible excuse to perve!

Reply to Trish
Posted by: HotStepper | 2004/11/01

You go girl!
Thanks for this. You really seem to have a great relationship.
How do you guys tackle jealousy? If you have any advise?

Reply to HotStepper

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