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Posted by: Confused | 2004/10/31

Men and porn

A bit embarassing this but here goes. My husband and I recently got together after a brief split. I thought things were going well and that our marriage was back on track. I then get home from town, and he did not hear me come in. I looked for him and there he was in front of his computer, with a porn site open, and his pants down. Naturally I was shocked and horrifed. I felt so absolutely worthless. When I told him this he said that all men do this??!! Now forgive me, but don't men just do this when a relationship is not going well? Am I wrong for feeling that I am not good enough for him? He said he was so embarassed and could not even look at me, and could we just forget the whole thing happened? Scuse me, but I really really don't know what to think here. I am not unattractive, keep my body in good shape, and as I said, was really sure things were going well??!! While we were arguing about this issue, he asked me if I would rather he goes out? Does that mean he IS looking for something that I am not?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

C, first check out the archive of this forum, as we've discussed this topic many times, from different points of view. As I've said so often before ( and see what others say when they return from the weekend) --- men and women often have a different attitude towards porn. Of COURSE, your husband was highly embarrassed --- anyone would be. But it has nothing whatever to do with any idea on his part ( nor should it be on your part !) that you're not good enough for him. Men generally read porn like women read recipe books. Many women I know collect recipe books, with luscious recipes they'll never even remotely try to cook, nor do they intend to eat. It doesn't mean they don't like their own cooking, or their husbands, or their mother's.
For many men ( and some women ) it's a physical thing that isn't about emotions or relationships, but a physical release of tension. And if he feels like sexual activity when you don't, or when you're not around, he probably sees it as fairly trivial and avoiding troubling you.
As Gina says, most women also masturbate, and it isn't usually about their husband being inadequate, either.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Phia | 2004/11/01

For interests sake...

Fact of life #1: All men enjoy porn at some stage. For many men it's a lifelong relationship.

Fact of life #2: Just like women may look at an ad for choclate and crave one, men see a picture of a naked women and lust after her. This has nothing to do with reality.

Fact of life #3: If the wife makes an issue of this, the husband is going to do it behind her back.

Fact of life #4: When they look at porn, men masturbate. When they look at their wives, they want to have sex. There is a huge emotional difference between the two actions, even for men.

Fact of life #5: Many women enjoy porn as well. Those who do usually have a very fulfilling sexual relationship with their partners. Those who don't usually feel degraded and abandoned by their husbands.

(These "facts of life" was given to me, typed and framed, by my husband when we were still dating and I discovered his stash of porn magazines. It has made a tremendous difference in my attitude towards the problem!)

Go well,
Phia

Reply to Phia
Posted by: Trish | 2004/11/01

My word! This is absolutely horrible what you have been subjected to. I personally am not a fan of porn but I'd rather not impose my opinions on anyone as at the end of the day, everyone is entitled to their own views. What your husband did is disrespectful towards you and inconsiderate. If he has a problem, addiction, whatever towards porn, he should be more careful and not expose you to it. Most women are quite sensitive and bcos of our partners, many of us become insecure enough as it is. I think maybe you should have a serious talk with him about what he wants out of life as life's too short to wait around for certain men to change their spots. There are many decent guys out there who make their women feel special and loved unconditionally.

Reply to Trish
Posted by: raincloud | 2004/11/01

PORN IS NOT LIKE HAVING COOKING BOOKS..CS
Collecting cooking books wont lead you to affairs...

Collecting cooking books wont start perfersion in mind

and

Collecting cooking books wont make your spouse hurt like hell making them feel like they arent good enough!!!


ITS SICK AND WRONG AND NOTHNF GOOD CAN COME FROM IT!

Reply to raincloud
Posted by: bubbles | 2004/11/01

PORN IS JUST PLAIN WRONG...its perverted and not wholesome!!!

If I were you I would cancel internet and stop him from being caught up in that lustful world...

Porn can definatlye lead to affairs as as if you arent "avaliable" or if he start prefering certian things you cant give him...
Beware and NO its not healthy for a man to do that, dont care what any one says.

You really need to sort this out ASAP with counsilling for a start cause a husband shouldnt be doing that! God has given him a wife to satisfy him not porn and all those horrific imagery...

Also dont take this to personally men are sometime caught in the aweful web of porn and they need to get out before it gets sick! Its like an addiction which will only lead to saddness for your marriage!





If he loves you he would be looking at other woman or doing other things for crying out load!

Reply to bubbles
Posted by: Zee | 2004/11/01

From what u said, I think there is something terribly wrong with ur husband. Dump him, he dont deserve u

Reply to Zee
Posted by: Confused | 2004/10/31

Thanks for the responses so far. I understand fully what you are saying, but let's take this one step further. The reason it bothers me so much is that he is always telling me I should have my hair cut here cos so and so has her hair done there, or I should wear that cos so and so wears that, and look at that girl's body - if you worked out harder you could also look like that. He also has a thing for girls of other races (no, I am not a racist), but it's all these things that add up to how I feel. The site he was on was a black porn site. While we were seperated he was involved with a black girl and an Indian girl. And now he's going on those sites. Where does that leave me? I feel like he has this image of the perfect woman in his mind and that is why I am constantly being compared to other women. I am in GREAT shape for my age but I get no compliments there. Just more comparisons. Also just how MUCH sexual tension does a guy build up when we had phenomenal sex the night before and I was only gone for an hour? I am trying very hard to feel good about myself and things like this just make it more difficult.

Reply to Confused
Posted by: Zebra | 2004/10/31

I agree with the other responses. It is NOT because anything whatsoever is wrong with you. Try in good time to discuss it with him. If at all you can see it as a game and even lightly participate, in any of numerous ways, with less or more involvement, it might be worth persuing.

Reply to Zebra
Posted by: gina | 2004/10/31

I would probably be horrified about it too but imagine how horrified he must feel. Surely there must be times when you masturbate while he's not around. If your sex life is fine I don't think you have anything to worry about. I would make a joke out of it and move forwards.

Reply to gina

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