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Question
Posted by: Tracey | 2004/03/11

Meant to be?

Please help. I was with my boyfriend for 3.5 years when we broke up because he used to lie to me about lots of things and I felt I couldn't trust him. I actually now realise that I was nagging in his ears about petty stuff, and that's why it didn't work out either. I was also very depressed at the time, and he didn't really support me. After 1.5 year being apart we now are back together again and agreed that we are 2 adults now (both 25) and we love each other and will try to make the relationship work. But he is not writing his ex off (the one he was with while we were split up). He said he was keeping her as a side line just for incase I hurt him again, then he has someone to fall back on. This isn't fair from his side, is it? I wrote my ex off and why do some people still hold onto them if they are ex's??? What should I do to make him realise that I want to be with him and have no intentions of hurting him again and that I am serious about him. How far do you go when you want the person to feel secure and safe being with you? How do you know when it's meant to be, if you've tried so hard but it feels as if you are not going forward?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Dear Tracey,
He is not being an adult in keeping his Ex as a sort of spare tyre in case things don't work out with you --- and is she really happy with that role ? It doesn't sound at all as if he is genuinely committed to getting thibngs to work out well between you.
What may worry him is not whether you have INTENTIONS of hurting him --- you had no such intentions before, but you did hurt him.
Maybe if, despite trying so hard, it doesn't seem to be working, it could be that relationship counselling would help, because you might be working so hard, but at the wrong thing. ( IF your car has run out of petrol, no amount of polishing the windscreen, no matter how hard you work at it, will get the car running again ).

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Our users say:
Posted by: Kernel | 2004/03/11

Does his ex know about you or is he cheating on her with you? Why would she be prepared to be his safety net just in case his relationship with you does not work out???

I think you should cool it and give it some time to see where this relationship is heading, if anywhere - and it should come from his side, not yours. If he is still hanging on to the other girl you should step out of the relationship until he is ready to be fully committed. In the meantime, you should mix with other people - maybe you will find someone else who appreciates you more than your ex.

Good luck.

Reply to Kernel
Posted by: BT | 2004/03/11

This guy is not committed to you. I believe if you trully love someone you take the risk to be with them. Keeping someone on the side is tantmount to saying it wont work so why bother in the first place. However giving up someone you love hurts like hell. Try and talk to him about this and if he is not prepared to give up this other person for you then he does not deserve your love. You will hurt but you will also grow from this experience.

Reply to BT
Posted by: Fighter | 2004/03/11

He's holding onto his ex for just in case? Thats pathetic. Girl, i'd feel insecure if i were you. He obviously doesn't trust you as much as you trust him, he hasnt given himself to you completely. In my opinion its all or nothing. And girls will always nag, its the way we are, but he must get over it and look past it. You need to think seriously bout this now.Do you really want to stay with someone who's keeping a girl on the side?

Reply to Fighter
Posted by: volcano | 2004/03/11

What exactly do you mean by 'writing an ex off'? I agree that he does not sound very committed by keeping a back-up. On the other hand, if you are serious about making this work, you should ignore the fact that you know about her. Make him happy, that's the only way he will start feeling secure in your relationship. If you keep on nagging, you are going to lose out.

Reply to volcano
Posted by: lynn | 2004/03/11

Hi Tracey

Why do you want to be with him when he told you that he's keeping his ex around as a 'safety net'...he's not being fair to her, and especially not to you...I don't see anything adult about that. Besides, what's stopping him from cheating on you with her around ? If he's truly serious to be with you he won't keep her around. Why should you try to prove your feelings for him, when he can't do the same ?

Best call it quits. You're only going to cause yourself heartbreak.

Reply to lynn

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