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Question
Posted by: HURTING | 2004/12/06

MATTER OF PRIORITY - AM I A NOTHING?

why is it that when you really love somoene, they tend to hurt you - not even knowing the hurt they are putting you through, why should be constantly reminded by other people about what they will be missing out on if they do not pay more attention - that's what started happening -
he does not give me enough attention - affection is null and void.
he calls when I dont - asking why I am being a stranger yet - no plans are made on his side for us to spend time together. does not invite me anywhere, never takes me anywhere unless i innitiate it. Am I not special enough to be involved in your life?
seems to keep me out of his world - friends, family, seems as much as i love him I know nothing of his world - this is killing me inside - maybe he feels he does not measure up to me. my independance seems to scare/threaten him. - I feel extremely exhausted (emotionally) I feel that I have had enough and I cannot do this anymore. I have had dreams of dying because I am starting to question what is wrong with me - why am i not in a loving, healthy, stable relationship? What is wrong with me - in all the other aspects of my life I am happy and succesful, hold down a great job, have a wonderful family and nice friends - I am hurting so bad. Why me. He seems unsure about what he wants. making me sure that I dont want this - I dont want another man - I dont want to be lonely - maybe I need a break from this life.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Joe-Ann | 2004/12/06

Your letter could also have been penned by me. Met him before his divorce was through. He also shut me out constantly. Sometimes didn't bother contacting me. Secretive. He was torn between ex-wife and child and me and child on the way. Tissue tests for another child. Lies, distrust, tears and more tears. He says sorry. You believe him. Moving out then coming back. Yesterday he tells me he slept with some woman years ago. More anger, hatred, tears and feeling lost and totally unloved and not good enough. A leopard never changes its spots, it just rearranges them. Years wasted thinking it will get better. What a fool I have been. Don't fall into the same trap.

Reply to Joe-Ann
Posted by: me | 2004/12/06

Hi H, I also have been in your situation. Read the book 'The Rules'! You should never have to run after a man, if he wants you, he will do everything to get you! Move on.

Reply to me
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/12/06

Hi H,

First of all you are never a nothing!!! Any person that makes you feel this way is not worth much of your efforts.
You have a wonderful family & nice friends, why you would allow yourself to think you are nothing based on one persons attitude is something only you can answer.
Yes when it comes to love it's a whole different game. I guess that's why they say all things are fair in love & war. But guess what, wars usually aren't fair, & so isn't love... But that said, remember that only you give somebody else so much of control over your life, ONLY YOU.

Mindful said it quite well. We always give in hoping for a better tomorrow. I guess sometimes we just give in against our better judgement.

There is more to life than just being happy in a relationship. The best part about life is learning & knowing how to be happy with you. When this happens, you will depend on no-one for making you feel "worth-it" unless you allow them to have this hold on you.

Good luck. You seem to know what you need to do...

Cheers,
Shaun

Reply to Shaun
Posted by: PARIS | 2004/12/06

Hi there Hurting.

I understand how much love can actually hurt us when its not being returned. And why you actually start looking at yourself thinking that some thing must be wrong with you. There's nothing wrong with you.

Why do you settle for this man? you're exhausting yourself running after him, and wandering why this why that. I would suggest you talk to him about your thoughts and feelings and let him give you some answers. Then take it from there. If he doesn't want a relationship then leave him, and if he does then you'll have to tell him that he'd better make some space for you in his life (not only when its convenient for him).

The best advise i can give is communication.

PARIS
XXX

Reply to PARIS
Posted by: Mindful | 2004/12/06

Dear Hurting,

This posting might as well have been penned by me. I was silly enough to fall for his charms three times! Hurting, the best thing, I reckon, is to end it. It really isn't worth all the unhappiness. I have to keep telling myself "Is this what I really want?" and in the end, no matter how much you feel for him, is it really going to change? I wish you lots of luck...
PS. His initials aren't SAB by any chance?

Reply to Mindful

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