Posted by: cally | 2009/02/03

masturbation feels wrong

My guy keeps encouraging me to masturbate, but I have one major problem... I can' t!
It just doesn' t feel right when I touch myself. When my guy touches me it' s great, wonderful, but when I do the same it feels wrong. I get embarrassed with myself, even if I' m alone in the dark doing it.
I' m not inhibited in bed at all, in fact my man thinks I' m a little too wild, but for the life of me I can' t masturbate.
What am I doing wrong?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

Hi Cally,

There are two aspects to your question and concern. Firstly many women, and men for that matter, experience certain thoughts and feelings about masturbation based on their upbringing, influenced by their cultural and religious influences. For many masturbation is a taboo. In many communities women experience significantly stronger negative messages about their sexuality and the exploration and expression there-of. Men are more often given "permission" to explore and express their sexuality. This results in many women experiencing emotions of guilt, shame, embarassment, anxiety, and discomfort about self-pleasuring. Furthermore women often do not know their own bodies well have limited to know knowledge, or alot of misinformation, about how to approach stimulating their genitals for sexual pleasure and arousal and orgasm.

So often women have both emotional and physical obstacles to masturbation. I would suggest reading more about female masturbation to assist you both with understanding emotionally that masturbation is a normal and healthy sexual activity and to read about ways in which women find works best for them during masturbation.

Once you overcome the emotional obstacle and have more knowledge which can lead to more confidence you may experience masturbation a more pleasureable experience.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: cally | 2009/02/04

Thanks again. As to your question, Mr. G, I am 29 yrs old, english speaking white... For some reason I' ve had probles with guys pushing their luck most of my adult life too, which may have stemmed from the impression that I got as a child from the dominant males around me (father, uncles, grandfather) that as a female I must just do what men want... but am very happy to say that I' m over that now. I realise my self-worth and my right to do what I want (as long as it doesn' t hurt anyone). The last few guys who' ve taken a chance have gotten a very aggressive response which has sent them running with their tails between their legs...
I' m also lucky with my guy... he' s helped me realise that my body is my own, and if I don' t want to share it I don' t have to. He' s very respectful and gentle with me, which I appreciate. If only some of my earlier male acquaintances had had the same consideration, maybe I wouldn' t be so messed up in the head...
Thank you guys.

Reply to cally
Posted by: Mr G | 2009/02/03

Hope this helps you. May I ask how you are ond from what culture? You had it very rough, but glad for your man that it didn' t do to much damage.

Reply to Mr G
Posted by: cally | 2009/02/03

Well, when I was young I had a nasty episode with an uncle who forced his attentions upon me (I was 5), but I don' t think that inhibited me. I was quite an adventurous youngster, experimenting with my body. My mom caught me out a few times but was never forbidding. She was very understanding. My father was very strict though, and used to give me hidings for even playing with boys (he caught me once at a xmas party drawing on a chalkboard with a couple of other kids, we must have been around 8 yrs old, and I got a bloody good whipping for that, and called a little whore), so maybe there is some nasty little subconscious inhibition going on.
I' ll try your suggestions, I' m sure my guy will be thrilled to help out... maybe I should also just realise that I' m an adult now, my body is my own, and I have every right to enjoy it.
Thank you.

Reply to cally
Posted by: Mr G | 2009/02/03

A serious question: Did it ever happen to you when you were younger (still small) when you were exploring your body that one of your parents " caught you out"  or came in at the wrong time?

A major issue for most girls are that they are tought from a small age " it is wrong"  to touch yourself and enjoy it. So you then grow up with this way of thinking.

There are `n number of ways you can change it if you want to. The one is where you are alone. Usually after a nice shower or bath. Just lie down on your bed and begin playing with your fingers over your body. Start with something non sexual like your arm or neck or even feet. The idea it so touch yourself in the beginning in a non sexual manner to gain some confidence it how it feels. Vary between soft and hard touches, just using your nails, light finger tips and heavy touches and grabs. Do this to a few " normal"  body parts of you. As I said maybe start with your one arm, then the other, then your feet, even your lower legs.

Once you are concentrating on how it feels on different areas on your body start moving to the more " sexual zones" . Like your hips and inner theighs. Then onto your breasts and lastly your clit and vaganina.

It might also help if you keep your eyes closed. This is to focus your attention on how it feels to you and how it makes you feel. By starting with something that is not sexual is to get you to relax and only feel, don' t think. So this is one way.

The other way is through mutual masturbation. Your guy can start by masterbating you slowly, but place your hand on top of his and feel what he is doing, don' t think about what he is doing. When you feel comfortable with this, exchange hands so that your is below his and yours on top of your clit/vagina. Tell him to keep his hand there untill you feel comfortable enough for him to remove his hand completely. It can sometimes also help that playes with your inner theighs or breasts/nipples while you masturbate, or he can then start to masturbate along side you. This should reduce the awkwardness for you if you both masturbate.

With my previous gf we did a combination of both as sorts. But as I say remember to feel what is happening and don' t think about it. When you start to think you' ll most likely fall back into the thinking of " touching myself is wrong" .

Hope this helps. There are a few other methods also, but these two " extream"  cases, or any combination of the two, should more than likely work.

Reply to Mr G

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