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Question
Posted by: JJ | 2007/12/06

Married n don understand marriage

I am married but confused.
Is it normal for a guy to go out and come back in the early morning?
Is women not allowed to do that?
What about the financial issues? Who suppose to handle the household needs?
Are we suppose to have joint account?
Should we individual handle our money?
My husband earn double my salary but we spend the same amounts equally, my money gets finished before his and I have to ask.
We are constantly fight about cheating, money and chores, he does absolutely nothing at home.
We have a gardner but we can get a cleaner or a weekend nanny incase I want to go out.
Does anybody out the have steps of having a successful marriage covering all of my questions?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

NO its not normal for a MARRIED man to go out and come back in the early morning, and married women shouldn't fo that either. Why not arrange to see a good local marriage copunsellor, both of you, and work out your answers to these and opther questions, together, but with expert help ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Pearl | 2007/12/07

Wow Lolo, this is all good... I hope it will help JJ, Good Luck

Reply to Pearl
Posted by: JJ | 2007/12/07

Thank you lolo. this is worth reading.

Reply to JJ
Posted by: Ingiphile | 2007/12/06

I never seen such a long reply!!!!!!!!!! but it beautiful I did copy&save it myself for future reference.

Reply to Ingiphile
Posted by: Lolo | 2007/12/06

JJ , i know that's a lot but it sometimes help to copy and paste then read later when yoy are relaxed.

Reply to Lolo
Posted by: Lolo | 2007/12/06

14 signs of a healthy relationship

What does a healthy relationship look like? Would we recognise one when we see one? Are those the laugh-a-minute ones or the endless drama ones we see on TV? Or do we only find healthy relationships in real life?

"The media has a tendency to portray extremes – either very happy couples in comedies or very unhappy and intense couples in dramas. The truth probably lies somewhere in the middle," says Cape Town psychologist Ilse Terblanche. "It is unlikely that any one couple will be miserable or screeching with laughter 100% of the time."

So what are the signs of a healthy relationship?

Giving space.
Those in healthy relationships are not clingy or overly dependent and they can give each other space in which to do their own thing. This doesn't mean that they don't do anything together – on the contrary. But they don't feel they have to be at each other's sides like heart lung machines. And they don't watch every move of their partner jealously. They are happy in themselves and don't need to get constant minute-by-minute approval, but they give support when it is called for.

Positive input.
Couples who are happy together give each other emotional support and they don't put each other down in front of friends or family. They discuss the problems they may have in private and don't use social gatherings to air their grievances. There are few things less attractive than a husband or wife making cutting or damaging remarks to their spouse in front of others. Do this, and be prepared for a social life that grinds to a halt.

Quiet times together.
Happy couples do not need to talk to each other constantly. They can be quiet together as well – reading, pottering around the house or whatever, happy in the knowledge that the other person is around, albeit quietly.

Equal sharing of tasks/responsibility.
This is a huge one. If the major portion of the housework or the responsibility for the children and the household falls on one person, there is a problem. If only one of the spouses has a fulltime job, it is only fair that the lion's share of the household tasks be done by the other spouse. But in many cases, they both work full-time, yet one person still assumes more or less total responsibility for the household. Healthy couples do not function in this way.

Sense of humour.
If a couple can laugh together, chances are that they will stay together for a long time. It also means they have a similar outlook on life, and similar values and perceptions. No couple on earth can always agree with each other on everything – that is simply impossible, but a couple that can laugh, knows how to diffuse tension.
Enjoy socialising. Isolation is always a bad sign. Of course, it's different if you've just moved to a new place, but couples who don't take trouble over friendships or who don't make an effort to see people regularly, are probably not very happy. Very jealous spouses will often try and isolate their partner from friends and family. If this happens, danger lights should begin flashing. If couples enjoy each other's company, they will more than likely enjoy seeing friends together as well.

Good sex life.
What constitutes a good sex life is anyone's guess – different strokes for different folks, so to speak. But the essential thing is that the couple themselves has to be happy with it. Open communication about sex is essential – if a couple can do this, there is little that will be able to destroy their relationship.
Joint financial responsibility. This does not necessarily mean that each of the spouses has to contribute an equal amount, but it does mean that each spouse takes on a share of responsibility. This implies that neither of them will go out and buy designer clothes or golf clubs when the family is in financial trouble. A family is a unit and should function in that way – if it doesn't, chances are there are other serious problems as well.

Respect.
This is both respect for one another, for the children and for other family members – whether you particularly like them or not. Yes, respect is mostly something that needs to be earned, but if you show no respect for your spouse or other family, you can hardly expect them to show respect for you. Respect implies giving space, respecting work commitments, respecting friendships and having basic respect for the other person as a separate human being with hopes, fears, dreams and desires.

Having fun together.
Enjoying time together is essential for any good relationship. Having fun doesn't necessarily mean spending a lot of money. Two people can have fun walking in the park, having a cup of coffee, reading to each other, playing with the children. But if a couple can enjoy things together, the relationship has good long-term prospects.

Good listening skills. I
f your spouse asks you how you are, but does not listen to your answer, there's a problem. If your spouse chatters non-stop, like a caged bird, your relationship could also be in trouble, because you would learn to switch off for your own self-preservation. Good listening skills are essential in any relationship, because a good listener will be able to access the underlying feelings to the words someone says. And most important of all, remember what the other person is saying.

United front to the children.
Happy couples do not use the children to manipulate each other, or allow the children to manipulate them or let the children play them off against each other. A united front is important, as children very quickly sense when there is uncertainty in one of the parents regarding the application of certain rules, and they will abuse that. It is also important to minimise arguing in front of the children and the children need to see physical signs of affection like hugs.

Good conflict resolution skills.
Your spouse has asked his/her parents to dinner on your birthday and you had a romantic candlelit dinner in mind. Or your spouse has spent money meant for the service on the car on a painting for the lounge – without consulting you. No relationship is without its conflicts, unless one of the two people has given up completely on retaining any form of individuality. But happy couples deal with conflict in a meaningful way. That is, a way in which t gets resolved and doesn't harden into insoluble resentments that stretch over decades.

Room to grow.
Happy couples accept that people and their personalities and interests are not static. People change and their interests can also change over time. Happy couples allow each other the space within which this can happen. Unhappy couples try and pin someone down into a predictable and unchanging pattern.

Reply to Lolo
Posted by: Ingiphile | 2007/12/06

JJ your situation sound very stressing and scary for me as I am looking forward on walking on that aile, wearing that wedding gown of my dreams. I am sorry that I don't have a advice, I know nothing about marriages or living with a man for that matter.

Reply to Ingiphile
Posted by: Lolo | 2007/12/06

10 dangers to any marriage

You walk down the street in a neighbouring suburb and you see your spouse hand-in-hand with someone else. So the story about the business trip to Durban wasn't true after all. You feel devastated – and foolish.

Can you ever completely affair-proof your marriage? Can you say with 100 percent certainty that neither you nor your spouse would ever have an affair?

"If you really think there is no chance of this, you may be deluding yourself," says Ilse Terblanche, Cape Town psychologist. "No marriage is ever completely affair-proof. People get married for different reasons, they can move apart, they can lose sexual interest in one another, they can feel weighed down by domestic drudgery – the list is endless."
"Sometimes it really isn't something that one of the partners has done or not done – it is quite possible that if someone is a serial philanderer, their behaviour might not have all that much to do with the spouse at all."

"And then it is also not a good idea to watch every move your spouse makes jealously. People do need a bit of private space. In fact, obsessive watchfulness could actually make your spouse feel uncomfortable enough to consider leaving of their own accord – whether there is someone else on the scene or not."
"People have to decide to make a commitment to each other and then they should be prepared to make an effort in order to make things work."

But there are certainly things that could put marriages at risk. But that doesn't mean to say that everyone will go ahead and get involved with someone else if given the chance.
Forced marriages. Often, when people get married very young, or they get married because of a pregnancy, the marriage can be quite vulnerable. The spouses' personalities, values and interests may not yet be fully formed, and five years down the line they may feel that their partner is not suitable for them. People change a lot between the ages of 19 and 25. Just take a look at how your circle of friends can change during this time. And it may be at this point that someone interesting comes along.

Working away from home.
A short stint in another city certainly doesn't mean your marriage is over. But if you are spending six out of every seven months in Secunda and your wife is living in Stellenbosch, alarm bells should be ringing. And let's face it, phone calls and e-mails are just not the same as fact-to-face contact. It is inevitable that both spouses will have to socialise on their own – it is unreasonable to expect you spouse never to see anyone or go anywhere. And it is only human to have more than a passing interest in the sexy new guy in Marketing or the interesting new neighbour in the block of flats.

All work and no play. .
If you are doing hours and hours of overtime, it could be killing your marriage. If it's only for a week or two, it shouldn't be a problem, but if it stretches into months, your marriage could be heading for skid row. Spouses need to spend lots of time together – quality time is just as important as falling asleep in front of the TV together. If work is taking over your life, you have to ask yourself what it is that you are running away from. And no, except for short periods of time, it is not usually about the money. Better time management could also often result in less time spent working.

Domestic drudgery.
Keeping a household going seems to be a never-ending task. Dishes, laundry, dusting, tidying, minding the kids, cooking – does it ever end? If one person is doing too much of it, it could spell problems for the marriage. These tasks need to be shared and done together. Who wouldn't rather go to the movies than do the ironing? Or pick up the kids' toys? If tasks are not shared, one person could quickly start feeling used, unappreciated, overworked and resentful. The scene is set for someone else, who does make your spouse feel appreciated, to make an entry. Or, if you are both working fulltime, consider getting in an extra pair of hands – even if it is once a week.

No together time.
If you never have time to have fun (and sex) together, trouble is looming. For a relationship to grow, you need to do more than wash the dishes together or change nappies. You need to do things like go away for weekends (sometimes without the children), go to the movies, see friends together and sit down and have adult conversations. If these things are not happening, your relationship could be in static mode and the next time you see your spouse, he or she might be enjoying themselves – with someone else.

Lack of approval.
Withholding approval is a very destructive thing to do in a marriage. Some people feel it puts them in a position of power, and makes the partner grovel and take the blame easily. This is not a long-term workable solution to problems. Neither is constant nagging. The worst display of this kind of behaviour is if the partner is constantly cut down and made to look stupid in front of others. It makes people feel supremely uncomfortable and could make your friends stop visiting you. If a spouse constantly feels as if they have to work harder and harder to gain that elusive approval, there comes a point where most people give up. And this often comes in the form of a new partner who is kind and accepts them as they are.

Opportunity for straying.
This is a big one. Are you creating an opportunity for your spouse to get involved with someone else, by never being available when they need or want to see you? Did you refuse to go to the last three staff functions to which your spouse invited you? Are you quite happy if your spouse spends evening after evening doing things without you (This does not include the odd night out with the boys or girls)? You could be creating an opportunity for someone else to make a move on your partner. After all, you're not around anyway, so why not? Cultivate some joint interests and some joint friends. Make the effort.

No communication about sex.
Talking about sex is difficult at the best of times. When you feel that there are problems that you would like to discuss, it makes things even more difficult. But communicating about sex and sexual needs is essential if you want to have a healthy marriage. It is also important to communicate new ideas, or thoughts about your changing sexual needs. There's no getting around this one. If you don't find a way to do it, your marriage could find its way onto the endangered list.

No shared interests.
If you have no shared interests, cultivate some. Find something to talk about, other than the house and the children. You need to do something together on a regular basis outside the home – whether it is playing bridge, going to the gym, taking part in a pub quiz, a book club, joining an athletics club. Anything. As long as you are doing it together. If you share no interests, it doesn't take a genius to work out how easy it would be for a third person, who did share interests with your spouse, to wheedle their way into your marriage.

No 50/50 contribution. I
f one partner is slaving away to keep everything going, and the other one is glued to the TV on a more or less permanent basis, trouble is in the air. Contributions to the marriage need not be in kind – if one of the spouses brings in 75% of the money and the other does 75% of the housework, it does cancel out. But if one person does the lion's share of everything, it is only a matter of time before he or she starts feeling unappreciated. An ideal scenario for a third person to make an entrance on centre stage.

Reply to Lolo

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