Posted by: Douglas | 2007/12/07

Married Gay Exposed - What Now

grew up knowing I was gay and had secret sexual partner from the age of 13, typically thaught it was a phase I would outgrow. Yea right I was mistaken.

I met my wife while studying and we went out for 3 years before getting married and have now been married for 11 years and have a lovely daughter of 3. I really thaught I could beat the gay issue but have failed, and although we have a lovely marriage and truly love each other and our daughter my life is a shambles and a lie.

My wife found out last week that I was in actual fact gay and although not fooling around with other men I was caught red handed with gay material and with a gay friend on a chat room that is in the same predicament as I am, to add to everything he died tragically in the same week my wife found out.

From early in our marriage I thaught that if I put energy into business rather than my gay feelings things would change and they have, I am extreemely successful, wealthy, and have all the bells and whistles that anyone my age could dream of but the gay fact still remains.

Since my wife fiunding out we have not spoken about it and I dont know how to approach the fact, making empty promises is not going to work either. My wife mentioned to me the other night on whether I would like a divorce or maybe just live together. To be honest I dont want either, I truly love her and my daughter and would rather be dead than be without them, something Ive considered, at least they would be able to go on without the embarassment of a gay husband or father and at least I wouldnt need to see the faces of horror on our families and friends faces.

I truly dont know what to do and don't know where to get hold of a Psychologist in the Pretoria or Johannedberg area that is gay friendly to help me, I've tried searching on the net for someone but dont know where or who. I am sure Im not the first and certainly not the last that this is going to happen to, where can I get unjudgemental help from.

This is my last hope, I cannot live with this guilt any further, I have stuffed up and either need to do dammage control or make the problem go away. I have decided to take off on "business" next week just to get away from the situation. PLEASE HELP IF YOU CAN.


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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Its sad that because society hasn't yet recognized that some people are born gay, and some are born bisexual, and it's no more their "fault" than being born heterosexual, people who find themselves with gay interests feel stigmatized and expect to be condemned, and feel the need to hide it.
You seem to feel very guilty, though you sound as though you have been bisexual, and capable of a sexual and emotional life with your wife as well as having gay interests, and as though you haven't really done anything wrong or intentionally hurtful to anyone else, and don't deserve to feel so guilty. However, the situation is obviously and understandably distressing to you and your wife, and help in sorting things out is adviseable.
You should see a gay-friendly shrink, both individually and together. And for some other, censorious readers, what we mean by gay-friendly isn't a therapist who is necessarily gay at all, but someone who is understanding and non-censorious and able to work with people with gay or bisexual problems without preaching or being unhelpfully judgemental.
Don't rush to be judgemental towards yourself, either. Take your time to work with such a therapist, not necessarily to confirm your gay / bi identity nor to insist on changing it, but to understand what you are by nature, and whether it is possible, as well it may be, to continue with a satisfactory marriage that preserves the love you have for your wife, and she for you, and which both of you have for your child.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Douglas | 2007/12/10

Thanks so much to all of you for your advice, Its really good knowing that I can get support from ppl I dont even know, I cant even discuss these feelings with my best friends, Yet all of you have taken the time and effort to give your support.

Thank you ,

Reply to Douglas
Posted by: Douglas | 2007/12/08

Thanks Tango, I will definetly try and Track him dowm.

Reply to Douglas
Posted by: Tango | 2007/12/07

Hello Douglas

There is a wonderful Psychiatrist in Pta called Dr Pretorius - I can not recall his initials - maybe M for Marius?. He practises from a house in Albert St Waterkloof. He is the best port of call for you right now.

Good luck. You and your wife can go there together. You are brave to have taken this first step, everyone deserves to live a quality life been comfortable in their skin!

Reply to Tango
Posted by: jcat | 2007/12/07

- what a heart-breakingly difficult position you are in. Yes, the first thing you need to do is find counselling for both you and your wife. I'm sure she has huge issues of her own to deal with in response to the discovery. The fact that you do still love her is a really good thing, as is your commitment to your child. And no, I'd say it is better to have a live, gay dad than a dead one.

If you post on the GLB expert forum (see link on left of page), you'll find quite a few of the regulars have been in a similar situation, and they will probably be able to recommend therapists.
Good luck,

Reply to jcat

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