Posted by: Irene | 2009/10/04

Married &  have a thing for another man

Married, but there' s a guy that I like very much. I think about him all the time. For a year now that guy has been on my mind. He' s married but his wife lives in another country now. Last weekend he told me how much he liked me and he asked me to call him at his office. It' s like talking to him made all the feelings come back again. Now he' s on my mind more than ever before, I want to call him, I want to. I don' t want to have romantic ties with him but i want to be his friend. I like him so much and I realise my situation...yes I' m married and I don' t want to jeopardize my marriage. I' ve been thinking about calling him the whole of last week thinking I' ll get over it as soon as Saturday but the edge is still there. My friend said I should call him maybe he' ll turn me off. I want to call him I want to.
What do I do...HELP!!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

You are married and committed to your husband, so don't concentrate on liking anyone else. You don't need to "think about him all the time" --- that is something you choose to do, and you can choose stop doing so. And he too is married and committed to someone else. Do NOT call him, at his office or anywhere else, and don't indulge in these romantic fantasies. You know exactly what you ought to do, and that does not include calling him, ever.
If there are any problems in your mariage, sort them out, with the help of a marriage counsellor, if necessary.
Never forget --- if he is prepared to cheat her , he will be prepared to cheat you.
Good advice all round, especially from Wise Owl, LP< Almost Mad, etc.

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Our users say:
Posted by: anon | 2009/10/05

Don' t take his calls and don' t call him. Cut yourself off completely. If he calls tell him to please not call you again as you are not interested.

At this point in time it is a fantasy, that is all it is but fantasy is not reality. This person obviously cheated in the past and will continue to do so. Is that what you really want? Do you want to stand between him and his wife, baby and young child?

Follow the advice of CS and others and put a stop to it. Rather work on your own marriage and self esteem and confidence. Once you get yourself sorted out you will not allow anyone else to use you because that is all he is going to do to you, USE YOU. Surely you are worth more than just being used?

Good Luck!

Reply to anon
Posted by: BEEN THERE | 2009/10/05


Posted by: Really | 2009/10/05

The grass is not always greener on the other side ....even if it is greener on the other side, just know that the water bills are probably more expensive to maintain as well.

As much as we go through the ups and downs in our relationships, there comes a time when we feel we need to feel in love again, and that is the time when we feel as though we must just try something new, and then we end up breaking our marriages and relationships.

Take a step back, maybe two, and try and understand why you want to do this, in the end you will realise that it' s all not worth it.

Talk to your husband, call him during the day, send him messages to find out how he is doing, go for councelling, make him and you special dinner, remember the reason you are together and how you ended up married, maybe you will remember how much you love him and him you.

Relationships can be hard work, and a little more sometimes.

What you want to do is not worth it!


Reply to Really
Posted by: LP | 2009/10/05

carry on playing with fire.....this time next year you will be posting on the Divorce Support Group....crying about how you miss the kids, how you can' t cope on one salary, how lonely you are.......

Read the postings on that forum and decide if you want to end up like that.

Reply to LP
Posted by: Wise Owl | 2009/10/05

Now all I can say is you are being silly ! You probably take yourself back to the time when you were in High School and some hunk caught your fancy. Its time to grow up and take yourself and your marriage seriousl y. When you made your wedding vows what were you thinking of ?... The reception ? Don' t jeapordise your future for some shallow meaningless relationship after some guy gives you the glad eye, making yoiu feel like that 17 year old at school. Once you have taken that " final step"  there is NOTHING you will ever be able to do heal the guilt you will feel and as long as you live it will always be in the back of your mind. If you think that coming clean and confessing to your husband will help, I can tell you it won' t, its will just compund the problem leading to a divorce (if your husband has any sense) Leave it and get on with your life.

Reply to Wise Owl
Posted by: almost mad | 2009/10/05

If you call him you will make it worse. If you really want to keep your marriage then just forget him. erase his number. This man is married so please get a grip of yourseslf. If you think this man is who you want to be with then rather first end it with your husband and ask him to end his marriage too. Affairs are just cowardly. You sound like a five year old saying I want the malibu barbie but i want the balerina one too. I' m not trying to be mean, just realistic and make you see how crazy you behaving. hope you make the best decision for all concerned. good luck!

Reply to almost mad
Posted by: Gail | 2009/10/05

Hectic. I' ve been in the same position for a year now. Was attracted to another man for a year and so much wanted to be with him. He is also married and obv you know how it goes...first it was calls then it was sms' s but nothing physical. I could not wait for the invite as the passion was there so much.The waiting made me want him even more as I gathered he had affairs before but not with a married woman so it was something completely new to him. Point is I also did not want to jeopodize my marriage? but believe me DONT GET INVOLVED IN THE FIRST PLACE. Easier said than done, but walk away while you still can. He called to 2 weeks ago to see me and I somehow got the power to say no! I dont regret it at all. My husband has not been treated me well for a while and that is what led me to seek but I realised that seeking is not going to make my life better. The only reason I said no was because of HIS marriage as he has a son of 6 and a daughter of 4 months. I dont want to sound like a saviour but who would have been the fool? me or him. ME? his wife is used to him cheating at the end of the day I am alone and he goes on! Try your best my friend. The more involved you get the more difficult to get out!!!

Reply to Gail

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