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Question
Posted by: Disappointed | 2004/11/15

Marriage...whatever!

I'm in a second marriage. First one was to an abusive alcoholic and that lasted for 13 years until I couldn't take it anymore. I've been married for a year now after 3 years on my own with my children.

Husband no.2 is a kind and sweet guy and I love him very much. Unfortunately, I don't trust him at all and I've discovered several lies he's told me. Now I don't believe anything he tells me.

My problem now is that he has a brother going through a really rough time in his life at the moment. His wife died and left him in a fix, since he cannot make any debt because of High Court orders for bad debt they've had in the past. Everything they owned was in her name and he's left with nothing. He needs a car and hubby and I agreed that we would help him to buy a car for R100 000 in hubby's name. This will be less than he was used to, but enough to buy a smallish new car until he gets back on his feet.
Without consulting me, the deal was changed last week to R200 000 and he now drives around in a BMW!

We've also paid off his parents' house because they couldn't afford to make the payments every month. I'm objecting to all the help we're dishing out suddenly and now I'm made to feel guilty because his family is in "need" and we have to help. I hate this, because I feel that he should be spending time, money and effort in making OUR MARRIAGE work, before he wants to fix the world.

Am I being selfish? Am I wrong in expecting him to at least CONSULT me in huge R200 000 decisions?

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Our expert says:
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Sounds like utter nonsense that he felt it was compulsory to drive around in a BMW when someone else is paying for it ! Beggars can't be chosers, was the old saying, but apparently he is. And if he and his late wife got their affairs into such a huge mess, don't expect him to be likely to be able to pay this back. If to any extent you are to be involved in paying for this ridiculous luxury, take legal steps to ensure that you don't contribute a penny towards it. It's not in the least selfish to expect to be consulted about such a stupid decision. NOBODY ever NEEDS a BNW, whether or not they want one. And what's wrong with his parents that they suddenly can't afford to pay off their house ? Can nopbody in his family manage their financial affairs at all ?
Charity starts at home, and first of all he needs to work with you on the foundations of your marriage, and not on undertaking endless payments for his feckless family. Consult a lawyer and make absolutely sure that your financial interests, both personally and within this marriage, are fully protected.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/11/16

Hi D,

I haven't got much to add to what the others have said here already. I would like for you to seriously consider though, this guy has been in debt before coz of his, or his wife's assumed lavishness. What happens when next week he cannot meet the payments on all that you're helping him out with at the moment???

Regards,
Shaun

Reply to Shaun
Posted by: Inc | 2004/11/15

Be very careful... the debt that your hubby incures is also your debt... he can buy all these expensive things and possibly leave you or leave his job.... paying this debt could very well fall into your lap. A Freaking BMW??? what was he thinking? What is wrong with a second hand small car that can get him from A to B. Why didn't hubby buy you the BMW? How did he sign for it without you?

Reply to Inc
Posted by: info girl | 2004/11/15

Be very careful - ESP when there his is concerned!!!
I think its important to BOTH to be open an honest and also not to be jealous.

I can understand you feel irritated and you should but at the same time the needs to be clear limits and lines as you MUST come befoe his family. I have been there where my husband parents dont have much and we help them out monthly with something and it did bug me in the begining but i have chatted to my husband to let me know things and not to hide anything from me. Its also such a blessing to be able to help others but not when they start to ask for more and more (like the BMW story - that is ridiculous!!! )

Your marriage will take strain if you continue to hoound him or moan at him - you need to take on a different aproach ... let him know that if the 2 of you now and then his family (in a nice way though) and that you dont mind helping but you need to agree on the matter together before one of you makes a decision.

All the best and remember he likes to help others dont try change that in him as its a good quality just ned to watch him thats all...

Reply to info girl
Posted by: CK | 2004/11/15

Men are like that you agree on something and he will go and change it without even letting you know, and believe if it was the other way round, you would be recieving divorce papers.

Just speak to him, I dont understand why your brother inlaw would want to drive in a BMW if he cant afford it, who is going to pay for the service and petrol in those powerful cars cost a fortune.

You are not selfish and I wouldnt give my mother inlaw 50c even if her life depended on it. Inlaws are selfish and they are going to make you and your husband fight because they are putting all sorts of ideas in his head, I hate them with all my heart, sorry I am getting so emotional, its just that I know how you feel.

Reply to CK

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