Our expert says:
Taking the last bit first, I don't recommend specific therapists / shrinks in this site, for many good reasons, including the impossible expense and effort it would take for ANYONE to get to know enough about the nature, qualifications, interests, skills, etc. of all he shrinks available in SA !
You're describing very well a combintion of factorshat can place a serious strain on a relatonship, including traditional customs and values, male chauvenism and paternalism ( not always the same thing ) and wat I've noticed is a relatively new and very selfish tendency by some folks like your husband, to treat traditioal cultures and customs as a sort of buffet or salad bar, from which they pick out those bits that suit them and their selfishness, and ignore the others. They become very aware of any way in which they can use or interpret old customs to suit the selfish way of life they want, and ignore what are usually equally old and respectable duties and responsibilities which they'd find inconvenient. That's not fair, and actally insults our cultures, rather than honouring them
He also seems to be choosing to ignore the fact that slavery was abolished many years ago, and we didn't struggle to abolish apartheid just to swap opressors and make it easier for husbands to lord it over their wives --- equality between the sexes is guaranteed under the constitution.
I can understand that he wouldn't want to join you in counselling, because he doesn't want to face the facts, and would hate the idea that perhaps he ought to change any of his deliberately old-fashioned ways. If he wants to live according to the cultural rules of the 18th century, then he should have made it very clear that this was one of his conditions for mariage --- and of course he ought to give up all other aspects of his life that don't meet those 18th-century customs and standards, like the cellphones, fancy cars, etc. He should go back to dressing honourably in the costumes typical of the times he apparenly wants to maintain within his house. If he wants to take advantage of the adantages to him of the progres all SA communities and groups have made over the last 100 or more years, then he should accept also the changes that aren't so favourable to him, like eqality between the sexes.
Counselling for you yourself sounds like a good plan, as it will help you to plan better how to work for your liberation ! I'd suggest you look for a psychologist familiar with your particular family culture and that of your husband ; because although ANY psychologist from ANY cultural background would be able to be helpful, if your husband is likely to be relying on specific cultural beliefs, it'd be better if your shrink could spot when he was cheating and misquoting those beliefs !
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