Posted by: Damion | 2005/07/20

Marriage problems!!!

Hi there, i'm in need of some good advice, i don't know who to talk to about this.
I have been married for 5 years and have a son of 4.
My wife has just told me last night that she doesn't know if she loves me anymore.
The worst part is that wev'e been married all this time and she has now decided after all this time to tell me she married me, because she was pregnant. She also has said she wants to stay together for our son and doesn't want to dissapoint her parents with news of our problems. So i'm stuck with all this bad news and i don't know what's the next step.
Am i supposed to live with her and wait for her to decide when she's had enough, am i gonna wait for her to tell me one day she's found another man, or watch the woman i love and keep a distance, as i don't know whether i can touch her or not.
Please, i need some help.

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Our expert says:
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It surly sounds as if she has been unfair not to admit this before now, and to do so in a rather unhelpful way. Shouldn't the two of you become involved in marriage counselling, to better understand yourselves, each other, and the situation ? This step doesn't require you two to stay together, but at least then, if you do decide to split, it can be on more rational grounds, and with a better capacity in each of you to avoid reaching such a situation again, and managing a less bitter and damaging parting this time.

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Our users say:
Posted by: ss | 2005/07/20

the sad part about life is that you will never be able to make someone to love. counselling might be good, but i think your wife has made up her mind about the whole situation.

just fing out what she really want out of this marriage and if she wants to move on, let her do that. some time if really love someone enough you just have to let go and if u wre meet to be together she would eventually came back.

Reply to ss
Posted by: Ken | 2005/07/20

All your advice still will not get this woman to love him.

Reply to Ken
Posted by: Pixi | 2005/07/20

People change all the time - we learn new things and create new habits and behaviours.
In a marriage when this happens - people get uneasy when they dont know who THEY are anymore.
They first need to get that 'inner peace' back. Spouses need to be strong when the other is weak.

The first thing people say ALL THE TIME is Oh just leave them -- divorce them they're useless - get rid of them - move on
etc etc etc
Those people are lazy and dont know the true meaning of life. The true meaning of determination and respect and honesty.

I think that you need to try understand your wife. Find out what she NEEDS from you. What aren't you doing for her?
You can't cancel out the fact that maybe she said those things to you to get your attention!??

When you feel like giving up - that is the "through bad" part.
Remember those promises that people seem to forget SO OFTEN and so easily?

Reply to Pixi
Posted by: Patat | 2005/07/20

Damion -
I agree with Paul - councelling is your best option, that is if she is willing. Annie is also correct in stating that she has thought about your situation for a while, but moving out is DEFINATELY NOT AN OPTION. Every marriage has it's ups and downs and it's hard work maintaining any relationship. My husband and I were together for 11 years, the good-bad-and ugly... And I wouldn't have had it ANY other way! Even the bad times. Loving someone means not giving up, even when sometimes everything looks hopeless. Keep the faith, she might need space, but try and work something out. Life is TOO short! My husband and I use to say : NO REGRETS, make everyday count (even if it's a bad day). You get one life, live it....

Reply to Patat
Posted by: Mary-Ann | 2005/07/20

I did the same to my husband, sometimes, people grow appart. We are still together, but I also wish he would give me some space to sort it out. I have made an appointment to go for councelling. We have two kids so we'll see what happens other wise we will get a divorce, but it is worth fighting for.

On the other hand, we don't fight at all, we just don't get along, do you understand what I mean? We talk when we have to. He does his things and I mine.

The reason we grew appart is because he is never there for me. Even when he is home, it still feels like he is not there. He never talks about what bothers him, so maybe councelling will open him up. I am tired, emotionally, but decided to give it a last push. Still cheaper to try this than to devorce. Look into yourself and try and discuss this with her.

If you come to a conclusion to try and work it out, then really try and work it out. Not just for the first few days. A family is the toughest thing I had to work at, it is a lot of work, pitty our parents and grandparents made it look so easy. Then again they had more relaxed lives. That may be the other problem, we are to busy nowadays, we don't make time for things that are really important, that is when things bomb in our faces!

Good luck, at least you have made the first effort in trying to find out.

Reply to Mary-Ann
Posted by: Dee | 2005/07/20

Unfortunately you cant make someone fall in love with you.What does she say?She has never loved you?If thats the case then theres no point.But if she has lost that loving feeling then counselling might help.Couples dont always feel in love,which is why marriage is a covenant though good and bad.Sometimes people stay just to honor that covenant and that is hopeful because it buys you time to try to look at what needs work.I think your wife owes it to you to work things through.She chose to stay so she needs to be real about marriage and not switch it off when she feels like it.Otherwise she needs to leave

Reply to Dee
Posted by: ff | 2005/07/20

what a b*tch! divorce her and get on with your life, you dont need this nonsense in your life

Reply to ff
Posted by: Annie | 2005/07/20

How on earth can councelling help change a persons mind to love you again?

I think you should pack a bag and go stay somewhere else for a while. give her some space. Usually if a woman says those things she has thought about it for some time. SHe needs space. Are you sure she isnt seeing someone already? Dont mean to be blunt.

Reply to Annie
Posted by: Paul | 2005/07/20

Try councelling, failing that rather split up. Its worse for a child to live with his parents and "feel" the tension, than the trauma of a divorce.

Reply to Paul

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