Our expert says:
We can respect the element of despair in your message. Much of what might be possible is constrained by the matter of available resources, wherever it is that you are currently located. The most obvious need is for mariage counselling. It can be more problematic where the counsellor may not share the cultural background of the couple, because mutual expectations can vary quite distinctly between cultures, and there would be more room for misunderstanding.
It does sound as if some or much of your wife's combativeness and aggression may derive from her background and upbringing. Without even thinking about it, we can too easily pattern our behaviour in a mariage on the behaviours we saw at home as we were growing up. You seem to be describing someone who expects you to meet her wishes, without having much sensitivity to your own wishes and needs. And her insensitivity to the need to support you and not embarass you, with regard to your job, is not only unfortunate for you, but contrary to her own best interests, too.
It is highly realistic to be concerned about the possible impact of her behaviour on any possible children, and it'd be wise to hold off on having children until the conflicts are resolved.
It may indeed be a good idea or her to return to SA and live with her mother --- if that is acceptable to both of them --- so that she can have time to think through the relationship before you return. Whenevr and wherever it is practical to engage in mariage counselling, this sounds really needed -- but is not practical or sucessful unless she agrees that there is a mutual problem which you both need to work on. If she refuses to work on the problems within the mariage, it is more obviously fair to consider ending the relationship and looking for one less painful.
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