Posted by: Parent | 2008/05/23

Marriage problem... affecting the kids..

My ex husband was very abusive(physical) and I divorced him and got re married 2 yrs ago with 2 teenage boys now18 and 13 years old. My husband has never been close to the kids at all, he literally went into depression after few months of marriage stating that he is still in love with his ex and he can't forgive himself for leaving her. Me and my hubby have a one year old baby.

The hubby is not mean or abusive with the kids at all, but what he does he just there in the house he does not have any relation with them, in terms of assking them about school or about spending time with them. I 've always known deep down in my heart that this is hurting my kids untill my son raised it.

My 18 year old son rebelled against me and I grounded him. But he told me that the reason he rebelled is because I compromised my values for my husband. He mentioned that my husband is not the father i promised them, and he is also a porn addict which my son said it is wrong( I agree there porn os wrong).He also mentioned that my hubby only loves his son and not them and we are not living as a family and for that he despise what he calls his home.

The dillemma Iam having is that, regardless of my husbands cold behaviour to my kids, me and him have a very good relationship. It is not ideal but we relate well. I also feel for my kids because I have brought this man in their lives. the baby adores his dada they have a good relationship. What do I do, I tried speaking to him but he says the only thing is for him to leave because he can't be that father to the kids. I have suggested counselling but he is refusing. I love him so much but I also love my kids, what I want is for us to be a family. Iam I asking too much?I don't want to go through another divorce!!Plz help!!

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Our expert says:
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What may be worth considering is family therapy, and that if your husband is wanting your relationship to be at its optimum he also needs to consider the impact of his relationship with your boys. They are part of your life and part of your family and he has to accept that, otherwise you are going to feel pulled in two different directions and quite frankly no man should ever make you feel as if you have to choose between him and your children.

If he will not go to family therapy I would strongly advise you to go with your two boys - and make it clear to them that this is not becasue they are "the problem" but you want to keep your relationship strong with them. A really good organisation is the Family Association of South Africa (FAMSA) who you can look up at
they offer counselling services to families and couples.

Hope this is helpful, best wishes.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Mike | 2008/05/29

hi parent hope all went well and things have worked for you if you still around let me know and i will send you my mail, or whatis yours?

Reply to Mike
Posted by: Parent | 2008/05/23


Thanks veryu much. It is very hard to decide about what to do. Before I give up, I will try to go for counselling with him. at least we talked today and he agreed to go. You can give me your e-mail addres.

Reply to Parent
Posted by: Mike | 2008/05/23

Hi There, What a situation to be in and i feel for you, i would say you have to decide who or what is more important to you, and i would say your kids are if your husband is not willing to try then why should your children?

and if your husband still loves he's ex then i think you and your 3 children are wasting your time, i am sorry to be so blunt, but it just sounds like he is not interedted in sorting this out with your 2 older children, and all it will do is push your kids further and further away from you, and i am sure you dont want that.

if you want to chat more let me know and i will give you my e-mail.
hope it all works out for you and yoru family

Reply to Mike

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