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Question
Posted by: Iggy | 2007/05/16

Marriage in deep Trouble

My wife and I have managed to completely mess up our marriage which is now hanging by a thread and I have no clue how to balance my needs and desires for myself with those of my child.

The short version - My wife and I did some stupid things sexually about four years ago, both willingly but not really clear on the implications. We stopped after a while but my wife felt that I had completely disrespected her which though more complicated than that is true. We aren't great communicators and basically let the problem fester for a long time. We sort of looked at it in september but I somewhat childishly got angry with her withdrawal from me and started flirting with another woman. Being conscious of the possibility of infidelity I broached the issue of our marriage in November and I confessed (with some urging) that I had mentally strayed. My partner went ballistic and I accepted the wrongness of my actions. We went for counselling (unfortunately too expensive for long term) and found a connection again. We were happy till January.

My wife is a long term anti-depressant user and as part of her desire for independence went on slimming injections in September. She stopped using them in January - Connection?

In February and March she went through a major depression which I at the time blamed myself for. Thinking that she needed time to process the changes in her life I gave her space but at the same time was completely devoted to her. I took responsibility, I apologised by word and deed and changed jobs to convince her of my sincerity. In mid march she changed her depression meds.

She met and started flirting with a man in early march (Connection?) and to my growing terror was emotionally absent. Having no context or proof I couldn't accuse her of an affair.

After our fight in November she made it clear, one night that she would get me back and I had a feeling in my gut that she would have an affair.

I found out on Friday that she has been intimate with another man for another man. I can handle the affair but she doesn't want to cease contact with him and my one communication with him has indicated that he will not stop things either.

My questions: My wife is a moral woman - how long do I wait for her to realise that she has to give this man up for us to work at our friendship and marriage?
Is my offer to life with her in celibacy while we work on our sexual issues a realistic one?
What do I do with my 5 year old son who adores me in a way that is humbling?
I dont want to raise the stakes prematurely but what steps do I take to protect him - who she says can stay with me without commiting herself to divorce?
What counselling options are there that dont involve hourly fees of R500?

Thanks for any feedback - I feel horribly alone since many of our friends are mutual and I cant have my son fielding impossible questions.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

There are NO "slimming injections" wich could be used by any doctor except a quack. And depending on what they were, they could indeed add to your and her problems.
I know that counelling can be expensive, though some less expensive possibilities might be available if you search ( check with FAMSA etc ) --- but what is the cost to each of you of NOT having counselling ?
And There is nothing "moral" about a woman who chooses to have an afair to spite her husband

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: common sense 101 | 2007/05/16

learn to talk to her
sounds like the two of you are both missing the boat completely
call a spade a spade - dont be polite
get it off your chest
dont call her a moral woman - if shes having an affair to spite you
talk properly and clearly to each other
otherwise it never gonna get fixed

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