Posted by: LDK | 2008/08/20

marriage falling apart over low libido

I am a 32 working mother of 2. My kids are aged 3 and 5. My husband had a vasectomy last year and his libido has gone through the roof. He wants to make love every second night. I dont! We constant argue about my lack of " wanting"  him. Its not that I have no libido, its just that during the week Im tired in the evenings and have to pretend to want to make love just so that I dont disappoint him. Weekends we make love a whole lot of the time, but this simply just isnt enough for him. He feels rejected when Im not in the mood and I feel pressured when Im not in the mood. We cant talk about it and he doesnt think he needs therapy. What can be the solution, before our marriage is over and he has an affair??

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Our expert says:
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He is of course beingn highly insensitive in not recognizing your tiredness and other perfectly reasonable reasons for no feeling wildly sexual during the week. He needs to understand that it is not rejecting him if you happen not to feel like sex. Pre-vasectomy, when he felt muc less like sex, does he consider that he was rejecting you ? NO, I'll bet, he sees his lower libido at that time as reasonable, understandable and prudent. Would he possibly have interest in joining you in seeing a marriage counsellor --- NOt because ther is ANYTHING wrong with him of course ( perish the thought !) but so he can play a proper part in helping you to adjust to his increased libido and to enhance his happiness in the marriage ? Such aims could not of course be achieved without doing all that you would need from such counselling as well.
Lolo, Melanie and others draw attention to the essntial dimension men too often overlook, how good sex isn't purely a relatively brief physical act, but a jewel in a good platinum setting of all the affections of a sound relationship, 24 hours a day.

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Our users say:
Posted by: 8non | 2008/08/21

then from a mans point of view, if you have tried EVERYTHING, and i mean EVERYTHING, from helping in the house to buying presents, wining and dining.

you eventually give up talking, asking, begging and get yourself something on the side.

Reply to 8non
Posted by: Melanie | 2008/08/20

I have been very happily married for over 20 years now, I work and have a young child. Sex doesn' t just start in the bedroom, it is the wonderful things you do for each other, he rubs your back when you are tired, or comes for a love hug while you are preparing dinner. When you are getting the emotional side, then the physical will fall into place. If you feel tired, then get more help and make sure you have " your"  time. Make the effort even when you are tired and get into a routine. Sex every day is the greatest way to start the day.

Reply to Melanie
Posted by: Lolo | 2008/08/20


The three most important elements of a strong couples bond are respect, trust and intimacy. Sexual (and emotional) intimacy is a crucial mainstay of the relationship. However, all too many marriages become virtually devoid of sex within the first three to four years. (Research indicates that 40% of couples who divorce, divorce during the first four years of marriage, and low or no sex is the number one reason.) Many become low sex marriages and others become no-sex marriages in which sexual encounters seldom occur more than ten times a year. (Interestingly, in 90% of these cases it is the male who has decided to stop having sex.)

On the surface, it appears that both men and women often become so busy with work and social activities, or children, they consider themselves too fatigued and frustrated to be spontaneous about sex. Rather than taking steps to ensure regular sex with their partner, each may begin to fall into a pattern of making themselves less sexually attractive or available. Which brings me back to my original inquiry, why is it that no matter how busy couples are they can find time to plan and schedule a myriad of events but don' t seem able to make the same commitment to scheduling and planning for sex? Put another way, is the claim that sex should always be spontaneous an excuse for not being sexual with a partner? Why are couples often so willing to forego the supportive effects sexual intimacy provides to a relationship? Is it the absence of the dopamine surge or an indication of more serious issues in the relationship?

Experience suggests that a good rule of thumb for couples in long-term relationships is that both partners have a right to expect that sex will occur at least once a week, and that both have a responsibility to ensure it will-even if it means scheduling and planning. Such a commitment involves more than going through the motions. It necessarily means taking the time to ensure that sex is not only physically satisfying but also that sex psychically supports all or most all of the other aspects of the relationship. What do I mean by taking the time? Regular sex should include playful touching, affectionate touching, sexual touching, sexual pleasuring, erotic techniques and afterplay which serves as an emotionally nurturing transition period back to life' s other responsibilities. Don' t climax and run. Pleasurable and relationship-supportive sex is far more than mere genital manipulation. It is not for the immature and faint of heart. In short, do plan and schedule sex. And take your time - life will wait.

Reply to Lolo
Posted by: SR | 2008/08/20

Its most unfortunate and on the flip side there are many married woman out there who are having the exact opposite of what you are experiencing i.e. that their husbands dont want to be intimate anymore

He' s wanting, is it without caring and romance? or does he create the mood or help you to create the mood during the week?

Its a difficult one and I think you need to consult with a 3rd party professional therapist who can guide in this matter

Reply to SR

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