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Question
Posted by: hubbie | 2004/10/22

marriage

I do not know which. As said before I have probaly done well in life financially etc. My marriage is in shambles and I am starting to hate my wife. I am quiet and reserved and cannot bear loud mouthed boisterous people(like her). I am easy to walk over. However I put in 150% always and try hard and persevere. I had an issue with my wifes weight in our earlier years of marriage but have given up and learnt to shut my mouth.
To be honest I am ugly (have a nice build) and have learnt beggars cannot choose.
My wife has told me I am ugly many a time. She denied me sex earlier in our marriage - I ended up masturbating(she caught me) and was told by her that she is glad we do not have a daughter as I would molest her.
I have been told many a time I am a useless father because I am always working(despit this my son and I have a very strong bond). I agree with some things but I feel I have gone out of my way and tried to provide financially. I have yet to meet somebody who has put my amount of effort into their work.
I sleep between 4 to 6 hrs a night.
She told me the other day I never gave her money to do her own thing(we never really had extra capital-I used it in property developments) . I have tried to keep our property portfolio 50/50 so if we divorce she gets a fair deal(she will get R2m + a shopping centre netting R50 000, her merc will be paid for by a TRUST)She is also adament that she built the business in a major way(she is a teacher and I am an engineer) I do not agree but best to shut up.
She has access to our funds and I have never queried her. Often she scans my computer and phone accounts to see if I am having an affair. Also she is huge and obese. If she does not get sex she gets aggresive and keeps me up till I succumb.
This sounds ridiculous but I do not know which way. There is an element of pride preventing me from speaking to a phsycologist as they will think I am looking for pity. On the other hand I know I am not Mr Supercute or Mr perfect partner and I do feel guilty.To be away from people and on my own gives me a feeling of joy only to be squashed by guilt/failure feelings afterwards.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

hubbie, it sounds like you are describing an abusive relationship, in which you have been trained to blame yourself for things that didn't work out, even if they weren't at all your own fault. And you yourself sound like a decent, hard-working and affectionate man who has been put down and squashed and has not received the respect you deserve.
If she would agree to join you in marriage counselling, then you two could see how much of this rift could be healed, and if this fails, at least part knowing that you did all you could to be sure there was no other good alternative. If she doesn't agree to participate sincerely in marriage counselling, then you deserve individual counselling for yourself, to enable you to feel more confident and happy within yourself, examine your options and their advantages and disadvantages, and make a wise choice for your own future and that of your son. And consult a good and very experienced lawyer, to make sure that whatever happens, defends your interests, and those of the boy, more than hers, as it sounds like she will be highly energetic in looking after herself.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Adam | 2004/10/22

You are abused in more than ways than verbal only.
If you are in Cape Town area, I can recommend a shrink (woman) who specialises in such cases.

Reply to Adam
Posted by: TK | 2004/10/22

I dont agree, he seems like a very nice man, I would kill to have someone like that, his wife doesnt deserve him, you cannot call someone you supposedly love ugly, who is she to judge him, he married him, didnt he thinks he was ugly when she said the vows?

You deserve someone who will love you for who you are unconditionally and get out of the marriage. Marriage is about two people who love each other not with an abuser. Get out before you get destroyed.

Reply to TK
Posted by: S | 2004/10/22

It sounds to me that you are BOTH to blame for the verbal abuse in the marriage, not only your wife. Yes she calls you ugly etc but you said you have an issue with her weight. So yes you are both running each other down and abusing each other emotionally. I have been where you are and know the damage it does to both of you. If you are so unhappy in your marriage then first take a look at yourself and what YOU are doing wrong. We can only help ourselves and not change the other person. If you still dont like being in the marriage then i would strongly suggest that you get out before you totally destroy each other. And believe me your son is feeling the tension and anger in your home. For his sake move on and find happiness elsewhere even if its on your own. I would rather be happy and alone than in an unhappy marriage for the rest of my life. Your son would be better off with 2 HAPPY separate parents than 2 UNHAPPY parents which are together. The longer you stay in this marriage the more you will destroy each other. LIfe is not worth it - there is far more out there. As for previous people saying have an affair - well that sure is NOT the answer. There is never a good enough excuse to have an affair - rather get out. Also you want to be a role model for your son and imagine if he ever had to find out that the Dad he loves and trusts has been dishonest not only to him but also to his mom.
Do the right thing for YOU and your SON, move on and find happiness. If she gets half of what you own - so what - its only money and you can quite clearly see that having money never makes one happy.
Good luck and stop being so hard on yourself. Life is not that bad on your own. You will find a whole new YOU. You have probably lost yourself along the way
Take care

Reply to S
Posted by: Mona | 2004/10/22

Getting a lover is not the answer, that will only complicate things, and give your wife ammo for the divorce, rather divorce her first, and then ENJOY life!

Reply to Mona
Posted by: Sandy | 2004/10/22


Firstly I think thatcalling yourself ugly isnt right. You are not a beggar either. There are thousands of woman out there that would disagree. It sounds to me as if your wife dominates you and has made you feel ugly. I would rather be alone that be with a person like her if I were you. Seriously get rid of her and you will see how your life will change. People who stay together enjoy each others company from the inside!

Reply to Sandy
Posted by: Sandy | 2004/10/22


Reply to Sandy
Posted by: TK | 2004/10/22

I think you should divorce her, she doesnt deserve you and I will make you happy.

Hang in there

Reply to TK
Posted by: marconi_love | 2004/10/22

My e-mail address is marconi_love act hotmail dot com. E-mail me there and I will give you more advice. It looks for me if your wife is there for a fat scoop. You need a good advocate, not a loyer. And work out a plan. Then only you divorce. Do you watch 7de laan on TV. Saw what happened with KOBUS. Watch out..... There are plenty of those women. Let me give you a tip. Get your own bank account. Never let a woman work with your money at first. Then get a lover.... A lover will cost you about R2000.00 a month on presents and clothes. And if I look at your financial status you can easily go for that. Then secondly... get a live outside your marriage. Go to a gym. Start playing squash or something. Meet new friends. If you like a certain hobby or sport go do that. What about Super bikes, Photographic, Sport cars. Join a club in something. Tell your wife one day that you are going from now on to this club for a meeting as you join them because you like it. And slowly you work your way out of the marriage. Secondly you get a good advocate to work out your case and finance status. In the meantime you get a lover that will appreciate you. There are so many married women that need a man attention it is not true. There is plenty woman advertising on ananzi looking for lovers. They understand your situation. But are willing to have an affair for the sake of love and attention. Your wife is a spoiled and does not deserve you. There is many men in your case that cannot divorce because of the wife that is going to scoop allot. But they have a life outside there marriage. If you give me your e-mail adress I will give you the sight adress. Secondly get a secret second cell phone. Man get a live, dump your wife…..

Reply to marconi_love
Posted by: Mona | 2004/10/22

I think its best you get divorced! Life is too short to be unhappy, and she is abviously making you VERY unhappy! And where does she get off telling you you are ugly?? Stuff her! Time to move on, get someone nice and loving to share all your hard earned money with! (PS, can i have a photo to see if you are ugly...??)

Reply to Mona
Posted by: Straycat | 2004/10/22

Wow man... hectic ..
I think you need to take action quickly. You sound like a very able business man, so strategically you need to formulate your own plan of happiness aswell. It is great that you and your son have a strong bond. (Like "hi" said) I think seeking some profesional help(shrink) would be a good idea

"Mr Supercute" & "Mr perfect partner" do not always lead to a happy marriage...... You are who you are.... a Dad who provides and perseveres..... I dont think you need to be told you are useless or ugly ... Very Unfair... Have a chat with your wife and tell her you are serious !!!!
God Bless..


Reply to Straycat
Posted by: hi | 2004/10/22

I think you needs to talk to a shrink The reason being that this women is going to drive you mad pal.She also needs help cause I think se is too controling

Reply to hi

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