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Question
Posted by: chopper | 2003/02/21

Marriage

I have been married for 7 years now and sit with a huge internal battle within myself. I have, for some strange reason, a wierd feeling in that I do not want her to touch me. Everytime she shows any form of affection, I "shrival". I do not want to show affection from my side, as she will obviously react to that and I do not want that. I know that I am actually a loving person - I know that - but I cannot portray that onto her. I have been abused when I was younger - but I (and we) did go for consultation. She is an aggresive person, one thing I can not stand. My dad died when I was 6 yrs old and my stepdad was an extremely aggresive person. He did not hit my mom or anything like that, but if anybody was in the wrong - boy did he get it! We always had food and cloths though - he did provide - which I am extremely greatful for!
I cannot see myself continuing with this marriage - BUT - I cannot see myself going through the divorce thing - I do not want to hurt her (and her folks - as she is their only kid and I have taken on the role as the "lost son") - she seem to be quite content with the current setup. I am on a constant search for a better partner - not blatantly though - but constantly imagining myself with other people - I know this sounds screwed up - and I probably am - but I do think there is more to life than being in a constant battle with the "inner-me". Being abused - there is one characteristic in that you always try and run away from things - does this resort under the same catagory - which then means the solution is quite technical - or is it plain and simple in that I have not married the right person? Pardon the spelling errors - I am Afrikaans!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Dear chopper, Don't worry about the spelling errors --- I'm English and battling to persuade my fingers to get used to a new keyboard, which is not translating what I think I've typed into words that look like they should !
I'm wondering whether these concerns have been presnt throughout the seven years of your marriage, or have recently developed. If the latter, then one wonders what may have happened more recently to increase these concerns of yours.
The experience of abuse can have widely varying effects, and these can include problems with intimacy and dificulty in handling agression from others. These matters can be dealt with effectively in psychotherapy / counselling, if one sees an experienced shrink --- preferably not someone who focusses entirely on problems following abuse, but with someone who can keep things in better proportion, and concentrates not mainly on pointless archaeological digging for many details of the past, but rather focusses on your current problems in the here-and-now, and helps you fnd better ways of coping, and working through the issues so that you can enjoy intimacy with your wife, and appreciate the love you deserve.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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