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Question
Posted by: FS | 2005/01/11

Marital Problems

Last month I nearly got divorced for the 3rd time in 10 years of marraige

My problem is that my husband does not spend enough time with me or our children (I can't remember the last time he played with them). We constantly fight over this issue. As a result I became a nag and was constantly criticizing everything he does. I make it obvious that our children is more important to me than him (what am I supposed to do? I have to be their mother and father). I was always in a bad mood and take it out on him and thats the reason he does not want to be around me.

What triggerred the last almost divorce - my husband was chatting to someone on his cellphone for more than an hour in a very friendly manner. I tried to listen in out of curiosity not suspicion but when he pulled away I got suspicious. I confronted him wanting to know if its a woman he's being so friendly with. He denied this and I didn't believe him. I wanted the number so I could check for myself. He refused and became very angry. Later that night he was in the bathroom for a long time and I thought I heard him busy with his cellphone. I could hear the keypads. Confronted him again and he then said he wanted a divorce. I agreed. We informed our respective parents but after my dad had a chat with me I started thinking and accepted the fault lies with me. Convinced my husband to give us another chance and I would try and change.

2 weeks ago he was probably on viagra or something cause we were intimate almost every night for a week. A look in his eye gave me the feeling that it was pure sex and not love and their was something evil about it. I felt violated and said nothing. After that he still rejects kissing or hugging me and it hurts me more than anything.

My migraines are now coming everyday. My heart beats too fast and sometimes I start shaking. I feel anxious when I'm around him because I don't know how to behave around him anymore. I know he doesn't love me but I thought that would change after I changed. He still doesn't spend time with us and the only time he speaks to my son is to scold him.

I fear that staying with him I will have a nervous breakdown or go into depression. There is no history in any of our family members going thru this.
My greatest fear is that leaving him would have a negative effect on my children (aged 9 and 5) although I see him as terrible father.

Please help. I'm afraid of letting my husband know how I feel. He does't like speaking about it.

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Our expert says:
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FS, surely the best option at this stage would be, with the support and encouragement of your family / families, to get both of you involved in proper marriage counselling ? These problems are often hard to deal with on your own, without such professional help, but may be really soluble if you'll both work with a counsellor.

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