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Question
Posted by: DJ | 2012/04/21

Managing Breakup

Hi Doc. After 1.4 years of a great but at times a complicated relationship, my partner and I have split up. We had an argument over a personal decision I made for myself but did not include her in the decision making despite the fact that it may affect her. This caused her to feel like I didn''t care and that as a couple we need to make decisions as a unit because what we do may affect the other. I agree with that 100% but I wasn''t thinking at the time. She had to work overtime for a week after we argued so we weren''t really in contact for that week. Then we got together for a chat and somehow it turned into a breakup. I was a bit too consumed in the moment that I didn''t get to give a proper, sincere apology. It has been exactly a week later since with no contact at all and I feel that she deserves that apology. I have it all written out and everything. Should I give her another week of no contact to let her cool down and perhaps even forgive me or should I do it now? While we are technically no longer a couple, I feel that we are meant for each other and am not really going to stick to some " no contact"  rule. I would rather talk to her again with the chance of making up than staying in no contact only to never know if we could have had another chance together.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I would always recommend that after an incident such as you dscribe which does indeed indicate some problems within a relartionship, that the couple try couples counselling to see what can be sorted out, rather than promptly giving up and splitting up. And to rush into a breakup decision with a definite or implied " no further contact ever" rule would be flatly foolish. I've re-read the Constitution, and there are no such rules within it.
Technically, your neither a couple nor not a couple there really are no hard and fast rules about such things. So why not start by sending her an apology eloqiently expressed, by e-mail, and suggest that you'd welcome further discussion about putting things right, and you'd be pleased to see a couples counsellor with her, to help rid the relationship of any similar difficulties or errors on your part.

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Our users say:
Posted by: DJ | 2012/04/22

Thank you for the reply Cybershrink.
It has been tough not calling her this last week, but I know she needs space and work is stressful at the moment for her. I convinced myself I should give her another week without contact but at the same time I feel that a heart felt apology that is actually more than just " look, I''m sorry! I made a mistake. Lets move on."  is needed sooner rather than later. Your input was just what I needed to hear. Thank you again.

Reply to DJ
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/04/22

I would always recommend that after an incident such as you dscribe which does indeed indicate some problems within a relartionship, that the couple try couples counselling to see what can be sorted out, rather than promptly giving up and splitting up. And to rush into a breakup decision with a definite or implied " no further contact ever" rule would be flatly foolish. I've re-read the Constitution, and there are no such rules within it.
Technically, your neither a couple nor not a couple there really are no hard and fast rules about such things. So why not start by sending her an apology eloqiently expressed, by e-mail, and suggest that you'd welcome further discussion about putting things right, and you'd be pleased to see a couples counsellor with her, to help rid the relationship of any similar difficulties or errors on your part.

Reply to cybershrink

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