Posted by: Garfield | 2008/06/13

man of my dreams????

Hi CS,

I am 27 and at the age where so many people I know are getting marrried and starting families.

I have been with my bf for 8 mnths. I used to think I really wanted children but now I am not so sure since it seems to entail getting married. I used to think I would love to get married, but again I am no longer sure.

The reason? I see people carrying on about how great their partners are - how they are the men of their dreams.

Unfortunately there has never been anyone I have ever felt that way about.

I know that I love him, but sometimes I feel that he slows me down, that perhpas I could do a lot better on my own. i.e - when I am by myself only I am in control of my own happiness, whereas when I am in a relationship I feel at time irritated at the silly things he does.

Yet, after long perios of being by myself I feel lonely.

Ugh - so frustrating ... do you think I am just a control freak who needs to just relax or have I just not met the right person yet?

I cannot ever imagine meeting 'the man of my dreams' and someone who i think is utterly wonderful??


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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

As for finding "the man of my dreams", maybe it depends on how realistically you dream. You are not a control freak, noe any other kind of freak. But some of us are indeed more comfortable alone, weven if sociable with others. Nothing wrong with that. And you can avoid loneliness, and spend fruitful time with others, without having to marry them.
And as D says, you can be lonely within a bad mariage, just as you can be lonely in a crowd.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Garfield | 2008/06/13

Thanks everyone, Maria especially - you always have such heartfelt, well thought out advice to give.

Have a great long weekend everyone!

Reply to Garfield
Posted by: Maria | 2008/06/13

Sorry Lolo, I can't agree that marriage is a gamble. It is hard work though. For a marriage to be successful you need love, but that is not enough. You also need to be able to fight constructively, negotiate, make sacrifices and communicate well.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: I | 2008/06/13

Think about it: when u're lonely and not in a relationship, you have a very good excuse, lonely and depressive as you are.
But if you're lonely AND in a relationship, let alone marriage, what would be your excuse and how much more depressed will you feel? Is the meaningless relationship u might just get yourself into worth your sanity?

Reply to I
Posted by: Lolo | 2008/06/13

Marriage is a gamble sometimes you win sometimes you loose, they say a good marriage is found where the husband is deaf and the wife is blind, that way marriage will last forever.

Reply to Lolo
Posted by: T | 2008/06/13

I agree with divorced. Sometimes you marry your dream, but it turns out to be a nightmare. Sadly there are no guarantees in life.

Reply to T
Posted by: Ja | 2008/06/13

I'm not so sure you're in the place you want to be. You're wasting time. Both yors AND his.

Reply to Ja
Posted by: Divorced | 2008/06/13

Don't be in a hurry. Loneliness is much, much worse, when you're in a bad marriage.

Reply to Divorced
Posted by: Maria | 2008/06/13

Hey Garfield,

In the first place, don't marry someone because you are scared of being lonely. Human beings are social animals and it's quite normal to need contact with other people if you've been by yourself for a while. But you don't want to make a big mistake by marrying out of fear.

Secondly, the "man of your dreams" need not be perfect. In fact, you can't look for perfection unless you can also offer it. There are to my mind two reasons why someone would describe their partner as the "person of their dreams". Either they are not really seeing this person for who he or she really is, they are just in love with the idea of a perfect mate. These relationships usually ends in disillusion. Or they truly love this person, warts and all, and decided to put up with the little things that are not so fantastic because the total is really great.

I was 34 by the time I got married, so probably like you I was a strong, independent woman, quite capable of looking after myself. And the idea of tying myself to another person, for ever, losing my independence was really scary. Then I met a man whom I respected and grew to love. Is he "the man of my dreams"? Don't know as I never really had a perfect man in mind! But he is mine, he loves and accepts me for who I am and I do the same for him.

I hope you find that special person.

Reply to Maria

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