Posted by: Bunny | 2007/02/20


I don’t know what to do, where to go. I do realize that I am suffering from manic depression. I lost my leg at a very young age and went through divorce, not that I think this has any to do with it. I have remarried recently and I have the best supporting and loving husband. I have been on anti-depressants almost all my life. When I recently discovered I was pregnant, I stopped dinking them as I thought it would be unsafe for the baby. For 5 weeks I did without them, but gradually went downhill from there. In my school years I started off with “Trippeline”, gradually increasing the dosage. Then I went to “Lily Fluoxitine” “(Lorien)” which helped a great deal. Then I changed again to “Nuzak” as Lorien was never available when I needed it and the “Lily Fluoxitine” was too expensive. Someone told me about a natural safe product to use during pregnancy called “Nervoheel”. I used that in the 5 weeks, but I hit rock bottom very soon. I can’t describe what I am feeling, but in order for you to understand or make a decision, I need to explain it the best I can.

My main problem is that I cannot cope with everyday things. With that I mean, everything. I cry about everything and anything. Being a receptionist is making my job very difficult. I am overly sensitive and I hate being this way. Yesterday when I got up to get ready for work I just sat in front of the mirror crying. I was actually afraid to go to work. “Afraid of my feelings” afraid of myself. So, I took a days leave. I just stayed in bed crying most of the day. I do have minor problems at work though, but so minor, it is completely ridiculous. For instance, one of my colleagues likes to shove her nose in everyone’s lunchboxes everyday to see what is for lunch. She is in a very high position, but don’t get me wrong, she is not a rude person at all. If I would cut up a pineapple in the kitchen, she would ask if she could have a piece, if I eat a small packet of chips, she would ask to have some. If I have a chocolate, she would ask me to leave her a bite. She would go down the hallway, into everyone’s office begging for something too eat. “Anything interesting to eat today?” I would say “no” if she asked me if I had an extra piece of sandwage. But if I have a packet of chips and she would ask for one, I cant say no. I don’t want her fat fingers in my lunch! What I really want to say is: “Don’t you feel any shame by asking people for their lunch being in the high position you are in this company?” But with my current mental state, I don’t have the nerve. I want to say that so badly as she makes me so angry and I cant deal with my frustration.

I am the eldest of 4 daughters. About 1 year ago I had a “fight” with one of my sisters (A) because I feel she is very cold towards me, makes no effort in chatting with me or sit with me at family get-togethers. She would never ask me how I am. Even my husband noticed it. My sister and I had this conversation before. She told me that she really don’t think she is doing anything wrong, so I left it there. It us so painful seeing her running to one of my other sisters (E) and chatting the night away, she wouldn’t bother with me at all. My other sister (H) also complained about her being like that towards her, but that was resolved. So, I had enough of it, and with the help of my pregnancy hormones I wrote her (A) an email which got her in tears. First she emailed back saying she doesn’t know what I want from her exactly. Then she emailed me one sentence: “I love you, sus”. Of course I had tears in my eyes as I want her to love me the way she loves my other sister (E). They both have children, mabe they feel they have much to talk about. Well, I am pregnant you know and I just get your cold shoulder! If I would sit with her and ask her how she is, she would cut the conversation short right there. It hurts me. She only “fafs” about my one sister (E) and it upsets me. I am here too, I am also your sister. Once E borrowed A some maternity clothes for her pregnancy. When I got pregnant, I was ecstatic. I shared the news with all my sisters. Two days after that I asked E if I could borrow her maternity wear. She said A had it and that I must please get it from her if I needed it. When I phoned A (2 days after I told her I was pregnant), I asked her about the clothes and she said she lend it to the neighbour. Needless to say E was furious and so was I. Why doesn’t she think of me first?

This past weekend, my parents and I thought it would be a great idea to go camping. My husband made a huge effort in packing everything. We had a 2-men tent which had never been opened. We wanted to test it for the first time. That evening I could not lay down straight in the tent as the tent is not large enough for 2 people. We also had 2 small dogs in it, so it was one hell of a migraine. I was so frustrated and depressed coming all this way just to suffer, I sat up in the tent the whole evening crying and moaning just like a 2 year old. My poor husband. My artificial leg had to “sleep” outside, as there was no space for anything inside the tent. When I had to get up during the night to empty my bladder, I realized that in the terrible wind and dark, I wont be able to walk with my crutches to the loo. So I had to maneuver a type of rolling act on the cold, wet grass as I could not get down on all fours to wee. The following morning I felt something crawling in my neck and so I found a red tick. Groce. This is when I just started yelling at my husband to take me home. My poor parents were as upset with me when I told them that I was packing! My dad even sayd I could have his big bed in his big tent, but I wanted nothing of this. They thought I haven’t even giving it a chance. Well, I was pregnant, highly irritated, mad, disgusted and filthy. I wanted to leave right then! I had spoiled everyone’s weekend. Me. I did.

I am so depressed I just want to dig a hole and lie in it and cover myself with the soil. I don’t have the energy to cook, not even prepare a sandwich. I haven’t smiled for nearly 2 months. I must have such a sad face, otherwise people wont come into the front office asking me “what happened”?? or “why do you look so down”?? When I lie in my bed it looks as if the walls are suddenly moving and tumbling in on me. I really think I am not a very likable person – why I feel so I don’t know. A while back before I fell this deep into depression, I would hear something nice about me everyday. Someone would email me and say: “Thank you for brightening up everyone’s day here at work and for making me laugh”. I would pick some wild flowers and put it on my desk, I would smile at everyone coming in at the front door, I would offer tea/coffee for guests waiting to see one of my employees. Nowadays, I would rather hide behind my pc, rather that greeting anyone. I don’t smile. I don’t share jokes. I don’t talk to anyone. I don’t get personal and I don’t give compliments, where I used to do all of the above. This is my personality. I am a very friendly person, I hear that everyday. The other day one of my colleagues came into the front door, I noticed she coloured her hair and the expression on her face was “look at me, I am beautiful”, but I just lifted my head, said “good morning” and went on with my work – not giving her the compliment or time of day about her hair and I knew she expected it. I could see the baffled expression on her face as she walked by. I knew I just wasn’t myself, in the past I would have complimented her straight away, offering coffee to anyone walking in the door, sharing jokes, smiling and laughing all day. But now, everything is pitch black, I feel like I have falling down one huge never-ending black hole. I don’t sleep at night. Every time I roll over it wakes me up. I am so cold with my husband. He would kiss me and I would just act like a doll, not showing any emotions. Like my sister (A) is with me. Why am I being so cold towards him? I love him so much! I told him yesterday that I don’t feel that I deserve him and that he must please not touch me anymore. I don’t want kisses or hugs. His face dropped and I felt his pain. He asked why, but I would just make him shut up. He does nothing wrong, he only wants to love me and hugs me endlessly during the day, now I order him not to? I feel like a psycho, a leper, a horrible person, sick in the head. Why am I making him suffer this way? Last night I went to sleep in the spare room, as I didn’t want him to accidentally hug me during the night, I don’t deserve his loving touch. He came in the room telling me that I am now driving a wedge between us. That was the last time he spoke to me. He did not say “bye” or anything when he left for work this morning, which he has never done before, no matter how cross I am with him. I know I am not being fare. I am loosing my head. I am loosing control. Yesterday I got hold of my gynae. I asked him if I could start using my “Nuzak” again as I was so aggressive and loosing control. He said yes, its perfectly safe. I also got a second opinion which was a go-ahead. So I am now counting the minutes for the medication to take away all my weird thinking and acting. I also made an appointment at a psychiatrist for next week, hopefully she can help me with my problems and mindset.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Good responses all round. At one level the answer is very simple and basic in all such problems, however complex the details seem to be --- see a good local shrink for a proper assessment, and then with the shrink discuss treatment options. That's what works.
As for the treatmnents, I have never heard of Nervoheel, but it sounds like rubbish --- except solely for St Johns Wort, NO so-called natural or other product is of any value whatsoever in Depression. Lily-Fluoxetine, Luzak and Lorien are all FLuoxetine, the identical chemical sold under different names.
Now, for anyone, let alone someon with a history of depression, pregnancy is no picnic, and with the hormones surging, it is often a stressful time. Seeing a counsellor, especially of the CBT format, can help a lot, and is of course the most effective treatment for Depression during pregnancy.
Sounds like that other woman at work is just a greedy piglet, maybe someone pretending to be on a diet, and pretending to herself that she can eat anything ( so long as it isnt part of her official own food ) without this counting as breaking her diet. Does anyone ever ask her to share HER lunch with others ? And Joanne E's proposed Behaviour Therapy sounds like a good idea. Try bringing a packet of cat food, and say you find it helps your indigestion during pregnancy --- and offer that to her.
As regards the sister who just doesn't behave like a sister --- don't give her so much power to make you feel unhappy --- pay little attention to her, and things might actually improve. Expect nothing from her, and anything you get would be a bonus.
Amnd you didn't spoil everybody's weekend --- it was a ridiculous idea for them to expect a pregnant woman to spend a rainy weekend crouched in a tiny and untested tent --- that wasn't your fault.
You have obviously hurt your husband's feelings, and unfairly, but don't waste time and energy on blaming yourself --- this unkindness on your part came from the daft but convincing self-delusion that yo0u are somehow not worthy of him. YOu are worthy, of him and of everyone else. But DO see a good local counsellor soon, and check with a proper shrink about treatment. I'm sure that upcoming appointment will be very useful indeed.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Anna | 2015/01/15

I was married for 8years without any child, because of this my husband starts acting very strange at home, coming home late and not spending time with me anymore. So i became very sad and lost in life because my doctor told me there is no way for me to get pregnant this really make life so hard for me and my family. I was told about Dr. wakina from the Internet, how he has helped people with this similar problem that i am going through so i contacted him and explain to him. And he told me he we help me restore my home and he cast a spell and it was a miracle three days later my husband came back to apologize for all he has done and told me he is fully ready to support me in any thing i want, few month later i got pregnant and gave birth to twins (girls) we are happy with ourselves. Thanks to Dr. wakina for saving my relationship and for also saving others too. Continue your good work sir, if you are interested contact him with his private email address and testify this blessings like me, the great spell caster email or with is websit

Reply to Anna
Posted by: Bunny | 2007/02/20

Shame memmy, please do share your story with me!

Reply to Bunny
Posted by: Memmy | 2007/02/20

Bunny. I feel sorry for u. hope you find solution to your problem. i thought i was depressed in life but when i read your posting i realised i am far away from that.

i will learn to appreciate small things in life like making a sandwich every morning.

Reply to Memmy
Posted by: Bunny | 2007/02/20

Joanne, I had a nice laugh!

Reply to Bunny
Posted by: Joanne E | 2007/02/20

pack some really gross horrid thing in your lunch and give it to that cow. When she thinks you are a "bad cook" and you have given her food poisoning she will soon stop! How rude! My intern does that -- he can never just joke and say give me a bite, he stands and rubs his tummy and licks his lips and drools and watches me aet -- yet he can well afford to buy or bring his own and buys himself nandos and micky dees a lot of the time.

Reply to Joanne E
Posted by: Bunny | 2007/02/20

Leane, a very inspiring letter. Thank you.

Reply to Bunny
Posted by: Leane | 2007/02/20

Hi Bunny - reading your letter I can almost feel your pain and confusion! I do not know much about depression but it sounds as if all your trouble started when you stopped your medication. I am glad for you that you now have the go ahead to use it again.

You have a wonderful, loving husband and you must not drive him away. You need his support and understanding to get through this. I suggest that you print this letter and show it to him tonight so that he can understand what is going on. Then you tell him that you love him and appreciate him and that you are doing your best to be your old self again. Never sleep in seperate beds from him again. He loves you just the way you are and that is the most important.

About your sister - sometimes people just do not "click". I love all my brothers and sisters the same, but I find it difficult to chat to my youngest brother - not because I do not love him or like him, but purely because we are too different from each other. Dont take your sister's behaviour too personal. If she says she loves you, just take her word for that and focus on making yourself and your hubby happy.

Take care!

Reply to Leane
Posted by: Bunny | 2007/02/20

Thanks J, i dont think i can hang on much longer.

Reply to Bunny
Posted by: J | 2007/02/20

All I can say there is always a solution. You stopped taking the pills and these are the side effects. Hope the psychatrist will have a solution. All the best!!!

Reply to J

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