Posted by: G | 2007/04/23

Lying, Lying, Lying

Hi everyone, CS

Going to try keep this simple.

BF of almost 2 years has a tendancy towards a drinking problem. I, on the other hand, seem to have a problem with being addicted to him and letting him away with stuff I know I shouldn't.

2 things I asked him were non negotiable .... 1.) do not lie to me 2.) do not go out drinking if we are having an argument.

Last night we were both invited out to dinner with my folks. We had had a glass of wime before hand. He insisted that he did not want to go. I was supposed to go stay at his place after dinner. When I phoned him to let him know I was leaving dinner, he answers and I can hear he has been drinking, I can also hear voices in the background.

He asked me 4 times where I was (drunk) and when I asked him where he was he said he had just gone out to get cigarettes (at (9:30 pm??). I tell him I can hear the voices, so he admits that he is at a pub, but only cam briefly to meet a friend and pick up a credit card he had left in this friends car on a previous drunken night a few weeks back.

I went home and told him I wanted nothing to do with him when he was drinking. I then get a message saying he left at 9pm when it was already 10pm (disorientation). I get sevreal saying he is on his way home. I had 34!!!!! missed calls which eventually ended at 12:15 last night, culminating in a text saying that I obviously want too much, and he can't give it to me (cop out).

So, he lied, countless times and then proceded to drink till after 12 last night. STRAIGHT did the 2 things I said were non negotiable.
So, please tell me why do I feel SO GUILTY in sticking to my guns and LEAVING HIM!!!!????? (I do love him alot and wish with all my heart it could work, but when he behaves like that I feel he leaves me with NO CHOICE but to walk away, as I do not want to live the rest of my life like that). And, lastly, just for my sanity sake - am I being at all unreasonable in wanting to leave him because of what happened last night?

Thanks for reading

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Our expert says:
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Probably you're not wanting too much, but anything you want may be more than he can give --- that's a problem within him, not you. So don't feel guilty -- you are not responsible for his weaknesses and inabilities. Look after yourself, and suggest that he do likewise.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: truth | 2007/04/24

ag shame how convinient, i don't believe you...

Reply to truth
Posted by: G | 2007/04/23


Get your records straight ... most on the forum know my story, but since you come accross so harshly and ignorant, I feel the need to set you straight.

He HAS abused me physically - 3 times - emotionally/verbally - countless times -

Reply to G
Posted by: truth | 2007/04/23

take note that all of this indivuals are still with their loved ones and you left yours, how is that for advice...i think it was a mistake leaving him, you will find intime that all men lie, there are just some lies that oner cannot live, take it or leave you set him up tp fail and he did and yet you knew him, i disagree with all of the above posts including CS i might add, did he abuse you wonder you feel guilty you are quilty....i cannot believe you left him for that little thing, what can you live with for love ....people have married prostitutes for love, some killed for love and you just let liquor get in your way of loving......guilty as charged

tha is the verdict from the truth

Reply to truth
Posted by: g | 2007/04/23

Thanks everyone - good advice, I guess I sorta know it, just difficult to move on.

Joy, he IS an alcoholic (diagnosed) - no doubt about it, and no reason nor rhyme to when/how he does it, it has nothing to do with the constraints at home as you put it, but thanks for the other thoughtful words.

Reply to g
Posted by: Joy | 2007/04/23

I agree with the ladies above although i dont think he's an alcoholic, i just think he likes getting out every now and then and goes overboard because of the constraints of home and maybe you to an extent. You've made the right decision though in having set boundaries and having him respect that. I spoke to my friend over the weekend and emphasized how important it has to set your limits as a woman or else your man will step all over you and always push the boundaries to see how far he can push you over the edge. Dont allow him to make your feel guilty. The man, however old fashioned this may sound, should be the stronghold in the relationship, the ROCK, and he doesnt sound like he's being that. It sounds to an extent like you're mothering him, which is never a good thing! Look, lets face it, men will always act a bit like kids, but you cant be the grown up in this relationship ALL THE TIME! Its just never gonna work and you sound like a smart sensible woman, who knows what she wants. Dont compromise your standards! you'll find or get exactly what you're looking for in a man!..but he's just not the one for you.

Reply to Joy
Posted by: rose | 2007/04/23

hi guys
i also think he must go out and find help himself, firstly for the well known fact that 'you must want to be helped' and allso because you cant be drwn into that - although youd probably want to - but it will just be too much for you feeling (maybe?) sorry for him and not knowing if he honestly changed his 'habits'. you can explain to him that you want him to realise the damage and really do something about it.

do not allow him to make you feel like you are asking too much(he is missing the point here, perhaps bit of denial), he is trying to manipulate you. you are entitled to have a healthy happy relationship... this really is the case of letting someone go to protect yourself and also for him to realise that you love him and want him to find help.

you are not being unreasonable and perhaps you feel guilty becase 1 he's trying to make you feel guilty and 2 because he's a lovely person when sober and you feel happy then and maybe think that you should accept the other side of him.

you just need to be honest with want to have a happy healthy relationship right, so you must work on trying to be strong to only allow him back into your life after he has honestly and clearly sorted his drinking problem out, obviously if you have not moved on by then.

like delene is saying he must be willing to do so. you will never be able to control for someone with a substaance abuse problem to seek help or make them do it because unfortunately, the drug comes first.

try and leave him with a message of you want him to find help, but you cannt be part of this, you wont be able to break away then, easily and you will probably feel even more guilty then.

good luck and try to be strong knowing that you also have the right to feel happy without feeling guilty about it.

Reply to rose
Posted by: Delene | 2007/04/23

Good morning,

You most probably feel guilty, because you feel responsibile for him (and his actions). But you really should not take that responsibility on your shoulders - he should.

I feel for you, because these are one of those situations that you need to get out of, and its pretty hard to do.
an addict will always lie to you to have a drink & will seek any opportunity to drink.

I would suggest that you break it of, giving him an opportunity to go to rehab, and only after completing the program consider to carry on with the relationship.
If he is not willing to do so - there really is no point is there?

The way things are now will just guarantee you so much heartbreak.

Good luck, i know its hard.

Reply to Delene
Posted by: Maria | 2007/04/23

You are not being unreasonable at all. I get the feeling that deep down you know that you have to leave this guy and get on with your life, because he won't change. It will hurt for a while, and you will question your decision. So write down all the reasons for leaving him, and refer back to your list when in doubt.
Good luck.

Reply to Maria

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