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Question
Posted by: Michelle | 2003/02/27

Low Male Libido

I previously asked a question regarding low male libido and it was not answered by a sexologist. The responses I got were not very helpful. One even suggested my husband was cheating - which I know for a fact that he is not. He has always had a low libido and said it has affected previous relashionships as well. My question is - Can it be cured? Are there any instances of a male who has never really had any "interest" in sex becoming more "into it" after some form of medication or therapy? His view is that how can anything change the person that he is? He - never having had a "drive" does not realise how it affects me. I have been married 8 years now and pushing that side of myself down becuase of it. But its becoming harder and harder to ignor the feelings that I have. Maybe I should take something to calm my sex drive down?
Please doc - do you have some answers for me?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

Hyposexual desire disorder (HSDD) or lack of sexual desire is one of the most common complaints among couples that I see in my practise. In a National Health and Social Life survey that was performed in the USA , 1:3 women said they were uniterested in sex, but just 1:6 men said they lack interest. So it is not that uncommon in men.

I call it my "A" and "D" lists.

Disease, Drugs, Depression, Deliberate control, Dissociation, Divorce, Distraction, Disagreement, Domination, Denial, Dysfunction, Differences.

Alcohol, Androgen, Anxiety, Anger, Avoidance, Age, Affair, Abuse, Abortion, Aversion, Anticipation, Attitude

Disease: Kidney failure, diabetes, cancer and other chronic diseases
Drugs: Some medications and drug abuse can cause HSDD
Depression: An essential feature of depression is loss of interest - also interest in sex.
Deliberate control: Use of sex as means of partner control
Dissociation: Is a conditioned response inw hich the lower part of the body is dissociated from the rest. It is more prevalent in women and may be due to negative conditioning in childhood or early traumatic sexual experiences.
Divorce: Unfinished business from a previous marriage and an overwhelming distrust in the opposite sex may lead to HSDD
Distraction: Anxiety and negative emotions towards the partner
Disagreement: Unresolved conflict and resentment in a relationship
Domination: Power struggle ina relationship or being treated as a sex object
Denial: Relationship problems taht are ignored or denied may result in HSDD, which then present as the symptom of the underlying problem
Differences: Lack of interpersonal communication regarding need for sex and adaptation may exacerbate differences in expectations.

Alcohol: In small amounts alcohol may appear to increase sexual drive as it reduces psychological inhibitions. Essentially, however, alcohol negatively affects sexual drive and performance.
Androgen: The male hormone, testosterone, plays an important role in sexual desire. Hormonal imbalance may decrease desire.
Anxiety: Fear of pregnancy, STI's, intimacy and commitment, heart attack and failure to perform can contribute to HSDD.
Anger - Feelings of anger towards the partner, e.g. the partner may behaving an affair or is not responsive to expressed needs.
Avoidance: Boredom with the relationship may lead to physical and emotional avoidance.
Age: Anxiety about age may affect sexual performance and result in HSDD
Affair: Physical and emotional involvement with another can cause lack of desire for the partner.
Abuse: Past trauma, such as rape or sexual molestation, amy lead to poor body image, a lack of self exteem and a negative attitude about sex, all of which can result in HSDD
Abortion: The emotional trauma of abortion and the resulting feelings of guilt may lead to HSDD
Aversion: Paternal injunctions against sex, sexual trauma (rape, incest), constant sexual pressurising by a partner and gender identity confusion in men can cause sexual aversion and consequently a HSDD. Aversion to oral - genital contact to female genitals and to masturbation are additional factors.
Anticipation: Anticipation of failure, ridicule, apin, guilt feelings and pressure are all contributing factors to HSDD
Attitude: Negative parental, partner and own attitudes towards sex can cause a HSDD.

Hypoactive sexual desire disorder must not be confused with normal differences or discrepenacies in a couple's individual sexual desires. Such given and very normal differences are often seen as one partner having a problem with HSDD or hypersexuality, because it causes irritation and frustration.

HSDD may also occur in association with other sexual dysfunctions, like male erectile dysfunction. It is important to note that low sexual desire can also present secondary to Major depressive disorder, Obsessive compulsive disorder and Post traumatic stress disorder. In such cases it is not diagnosed as HSDD.

So, as you can see it is not just a simple diagnosis with a simple solution. Call SA Sexual Health Association for a referral in your area. 0860 100 262, or just talk to a counsellor on their helpline

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: sam | 2003/02/28

My husband is exactly the same, he starts off the day with all intention of doing it, but something will turn him off during the day, ie stressful meeting at work. My sex drive is through the roof and could make love everyday. He was very willing to satisfy my needs before we were married but now its becoming more and more of a "job" for him. It has got to a point where I almost beg for him to make love to me, I always initiate it, but there are always the same excuses: I'm not in the mood, Im tired, maybe tomorrow, as a result I have turned myself off him completely. Anything he does and I mean anything irritates me, and I snap at him. I can't bear for him to touch me. We've made love once this year alone, it wasn't anything great, actually I got totally dry half way through it. I was completely emotionless. He is the love of my life but I can't bear to ask for sex without the real chance of rejection. I don't know what to do? He wont go for councilling, although he did start taking some libido tablets but as soon as he feels good stops taking them and the cycle starts again. If he was having an affair I'd understand, but he isnt. (even if you put the most gorgeous woman next to him, he'd still probably only watch WWE) What now? do I find someone new for the attention and love I starve? I' seriously thinking of leaving him!

Reply to sam
Posted by: Boet | 2003/02/27

Same problem except it is my wife with the low libido.
I have tried everything there is nothing that works.
Y'lle have to decide except it for the rest of your life or leave him.

Reply to Boet
Posted by: Hub | 2003/02/27

By the way, no , your sex drive is lovely, and normal. Get your man into to the sack. Also get a digital camera and make home nudy pics of you two getting up to no good, that put a real big boost on our drive. Try toys too, go buy em together. Womans limits tend to be way lower than mens, we learned from all our mates since we were naughty boys, girls never started as young as us guys.

Reply to Hub
Posted by: Hub | 2003/02/27

Hi Michelle,

I am a guy with the same thing you are describing....in the same situation too, and i hate it. Its not that i dont have any desire, its the fact that i am turned off by certain things, which makes me look very boring and libidoless. I am actualy very highly sexed. Knowing i have to use a condom for instance is a huge switch off. Knowing what well be doing the same ol thing ...again...is a switch off. Many ladies these days just dont know, or are too ignorant of what is out there to turn their men on. As mandi put it so well in one of her replies, get a few dirty movies, and take some tips. Suprise, and variety is usually what will get any man going. Me for one, im a bit of an exhibitionist, so i like trying to get caught, but wife is too afraid to be daring.
Get some really smally underware, .....very very very small, thats a huge turn on. But they are hard to get here in sa.
I also find stress kills me. Make sure work isnt in the way, cos that affects me a lot. Too much excecise, not enough excercise, more sleep, vitamins, some new clothes, a new haircut for both of you, doing things together, getting away, gym a little, there are many things you can do if the problem is external. Internal by means of hormonal probs, then a doc needs to check it out.
Get naughty, and a little kinky, watch a naughty movie while making love, it makes my wife wild. ...hmmmm....think ill do that this weekend.
good luck...you refreshed my memory...

Reply to Hub

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