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Posted by: Annouk | 2004/10/11

Low, low self esteem

i am 35 years old, intelligent, successful, attractive. i latch onto the first guy that asks me out, have sex too quickly and never see him again. in all other aspects of my life i am in control. why do i need a man so desperately in my life that i will settle for the first and normally sub-standard thing that comes along? this behaviour is killing me and i am becoming more and more lonely and isolated as i dont want to socialise for fear of carrying on like a slut!

last week my housemate and i went out for dinner, had far too much to drink and in his drunken state i seduced him. the next day he told me straight that i shouldnt have done it and not to expect anything from him. i have always had feelings for him and now have ruined a perfectly good friendship. i wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out. i have to look into his face everyday knowing that he once thought so much of me and now sees me as this miserable, pathetic woman.

i cannot carry on like this anymore. why is being alone so hard for me? why cant i just accept that there is no soul mate out there and enjoy my life?

please, anyone, especially guys, tell me what to do.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hello Annouk,
this is exactly the sort of problem for which counselling / psychotherapy can be so very useful. It's not a question of soul mates, soully or otherwise there are men out there with whom you could have a long and enjoyable, sustaining relationship, but you're not likely to find them, as you already recognize, by jumping so promptly into bed with them. It sounds as if you may indeed have low self-esteem, and as if you feel confident enough of your sexual performance, without feeling confident of your loving performance as an affectionate friend within a deepening relationship.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/10/11

Me again,

I hope you don't just let all this info you said above slip into your conversations with the guys. Although confidence is a big turn on, showing off might make us scared...
You've said your apologies, so let him have his space.

Men are all different Annouk, so each man will be attracted to you in his own way. You've got an advantage where you say you're considered sexy. I can give you a whole lot of reasons why I may be attracted to a woman, but maybe it's not what you would consider attractive to you...

A suggestion... Submit a new posting, directed to men, asking them what they find appealing in a woman.

Hope you get good answers, I'm sure the other ladies will be very interested in the response as well.

Cheers,
Shaun

Reply to Shaun
Posted by: Annouk | 2004/10/11

hi there

thanx for your honest answer. strange thing is i have always known that men dont like easy women. i attract men quite easily as i have been told that i am very sexy. but once they get to know me, even before sleeping with me, i turn them away as i am very sarcastic and with an IQ of 145 can easily make them feel inadequate.

i am well educated, have worked in one of the largest international companies in the world, travelled, earned big bucks etc. yet i have this pathetic image of myself - thanx to my dad.

could you tell me what really attracts a man to woman? also, what do i do now that the friendship between my housemate and i is completely ruined? do i just leave him alone and let things cool down? i did apologize this morning for my behaviour but he was very cool. he is a very emotionally detatched person who is going through a hectic divorce.

thanx again for your advice Shaun. much appreciated.

Reply to Annouk
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/10/11

Hi Annouk,

I am sorry that you're having such a hard time finding the right guy, but at the same time I feel you know why this is such a problem for you. Maybe your "clock" is ticking & by this it makes you feel impatient, but relax, don't make rash decisions & choices as you have already learned.
From my experience I know I really enjoy a drinking partner that can keep up with me & get up to all sorts of nonsense, but the friendship kinda gets 'tainted' if it becomes sexual. Its like the mystery has disappeared so its not that much fun anymore, especially when I know your feeling & stuff so well.
Also, as I know it, being easy, is in its own way, a bit of a turn off as well. Why worry about wining & dining & wooing you when I know its kinda easy to get you into bed. Sorry, but thats just my perception.
I would think you really need to take a step back, kinda watch yourself like as if you're someone else looking at yourself. Try to be mysterious. Flirt a bit now & then, but give nothing. Once you got the attention by flirting, walk away & if you have to look back, make sure you do it with a real enticing smile, but don't go back. Wait for him to come to you, you can be certain he will.
Make a resolution to not sleep with him on the first date. Remember when you were in high school & stuff? The little you gave your bf then always had him coming back for more. So thats what you must make him want. He must be captivated by you as a person, not you as a sex-object!!! That he can get anywhere if he really wants to. It must be such that when he gets it from you, you're the only one he wants it from...

I know loneliness can make you do some odd things sometimes. So try be yourself & try get comfortable with being you. When you're comfortable with you, then so are others. Also, try not to be too controlling, & watch the ego. Conceit is also a turn off.

I hope I shed some light, & I definitely don't want you to despair. Just hang in there, & practise patience, coz good things come to those who wait...

Cheers,
Shaun

Reply to Shaun

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