Posted by: Koifish | 2003/12/08

Loving couple - both 32 - previous divorce issue

Met a wonder full girl.
Never saw her again till almost a year later, we are both 32 years of age and have been together now for a few months. We fell in love and at this stage really care a lot for each other, not being together we really miss each other. We have an absolutely wonder full time and relation ship. We share the same interests and I can carry on and on of how much fun we have together.

She came out of a very bad relationship, broke the engagement before we met.
She wants a relation ship with someone who has no history of divorce or children.

I was married 12 years ago for 2 weeks only, the girl I was with became pregnant and we got married - pressure from parents and others. Divorce papers was through with in 6 months, She left me for one of my friends.
I still have contact with my son but it does not at all change the way my new girl friend and myself live our lives.

I now told and explained this to my Girlfriend. She was very sad to hear about my past and expressed that she will not hold it against me and we can proceed with our relationship as was, and she really cares for me, would not want to loose me. We will just see in feature this does not disrupted our lives together in any bad way.

Since the discussion we had last night, she has not phoned or spoken to me, I phoned her this morning to find out how she's doing - al she had to say was she feels sad and disturbed because I did not have a clean divorce free life like her.

I really Love her and would not want to be with any one or anywhere else, I can really see a great feature for us.

How do I handle this situation from here?
Her being sad and disturbed - what to do?
(I really do love her).

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Our expert says:
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Dear Koifish,
Maybe she's still digesting the news and examining her own reactions to it. It seems to me that it would be highly unfair for her to demand that she will only take seriously a man with absolutely no previous history of marriage --- that's a fair preference, but not really a fair absolute rule. She'd be truly foolish if she were to give up on a good relationship like the one she has with you, because of a prejudice. She's at least as likely, if not more so, to be hurt and even abandoned by a man who hasn't been married yet ( so she becomes the first woman he has dumped ) than by someone who has had a previous unhappy experience but has learned from it.
I disagree with cindy, as this demand has nothing whatsoever to do with having "high moral standards" --- it is not moral to assume that the man, for instance, must have been the guilty party in any previous relationship, or that there is something automatically immoral about getting divorced.
And it sounds as if you have, sensibly, carried much less "baggage" from your previous relationship, than your girlfriend has, baggage whose origins we don't know yet. I wonder if there were problems within her parents mariage, which have rendered her hypersensitive ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: n | 2003/12/09

you get married to get divorce
Remember that if the opportunities for great deeds should never come, the opportunities for good deeds are renewed day by day. The thing for us to long for is the goodness, not the glory.

Reply to n
Posted by: Myrabelle | 2003/12/08

Its true that there is no such thing like a perfect person or relationship. We should accept eachother - warts and all. It seems that the two of you have plenty of fun together and thats a positive sign. However, if you say that your Girlfriend had a bad relationship/engagement then perhaps she is more cautious this time around. Also, remember that mentally she is more mature than a love struck teenager and would probably not want to make the same mistakes again. Hence the caution. She probably needs time to process this information.It seems that this is a recent 'announcement' within your already existing relationship. I think that you should be glad that she has been understanding. Why had you not told her about your marriage/divorce/children upon meeting her?

Reply to Myrabelle
Posted by: Mona | 2003/12/08

Well yes, i'm married to a man who's been married 3 times before, and has 2 kids from those marriages, and i tell you its tuff!! So much "baggage" !! Sometimes think that if i knew back then, what i know now, i wouldnt have gone on a second date with him!! So i must admit, i have often said that i would never get involved with a man again thats been married or has kids. Its so difficult to handle it all!! She's most probably just weary. Just re-assure her that your relationship will not change, never, and that you will always carry her on your hands, and do anything and everything to please her!

Reply to Mona
Posted by: Kobus | 2003/12/08

If your relationships have been perfect so far, there should be no reason for her to change what is and can still be wonderful. Nothing has changed as far as I can read and just with her now knowing should also not change anything in your lives, unless she feels within herself to change what could have been great. I married someone with a history, and yes it took some adapting, but I have an absolute wonderful life with her.
Seeing that you were never really married (2 weeks - 6months) I can really not see why this should be an issue. You people should realise that life is too short to let a little thing like that ruins what could be a wonderful life together.

Reply to Kobus
Posted by: cindy | 2003/12/08

You can not blame her. Very few girls nowadays care about having a clean and honest past. This shows high morel standards from her side. But, if she really loves and cares about you and you are enjoying a good relationship she should recognise this as a lesson learned from your past. I hope she will not give up on a great future just because you made a mistake 12 years ago.

Reply to cindy
Posted by: kingfisher | 2003/12/08

Reading this is like repeating history. I was in precise this situation. I was the fool for giving up on the man that I really cared about. And I am still paying dearly for making the wrong decision. I married a guy with no previous history and that was the worst mistake of my life. One I will always regret. He married someone else many years later and she could not have wished for a more wonderful husband. Sorry to say I see them quiet often and just reminding me what a fool I have been. Hope this girl is not going to make the same mistake as I did.

Reply to kingfisher
Posted by: apple pie | 2003/12/08

This girl must realise we are not living in a perfect world. She would be really silly to give up on a great relationship just because you were married before.
She should be grateful in a sense, you have learned a great deal from all this and won’t make the same mistake. The fact that you are taking full responsibility for your child, most guys will turn their back on this responsibility.

Reply to apple pie

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