Posted by: Missy | 2009/05/25


I think a major turning point for me was when I had skipped 2months payments and used the money to buy food, school clothes, stationery,couple of bills that was in arrears,my fathers meds etc
I knew I would not be able to make up for payments but I really had no other choice.
Then I met this guy on the net, I had advertised for a weekend job as I urgently needed the money, so I met with this guy and he offered me 10k to have sex with him.I still cannot believe that I accepted and this to date is my biggest secret ever.
I thought I was lucky as with this I could pay for the two months I skipped and more still.
He also gave me an offer to work for him and he would pay me 20k per month for wknds only to be his secretary with ' benefits'  , he was married and privacy was top priority.
I was thinking, I could do this, no big deal and I could be debt and problem free within less than 2months.
Anyways I agreed to the one night the day I met him and he wanted me to prove to him that I was serious before he would make a transfer into my account.
So we went to a hotel and I let him touch me etc but no sex, it was the worse thing I have ever done, I remember feeling like the lowest person on this planet.
I would die before anyone finds out what I did.
Afterwards he transferred the 10k into my account and made a date for us to meet again to have sex with him.
The next day I sent him an sms to say that I could not go through with it and would return the money which I did.

I had regretted turning it down because after that the worst few months followed!A bit more suffering and I finally made it, things started smoothing out but not for long then things would heat up again but to date I still think about that day and the stupid thing I did.
I feel like things always turn for me, for the good but only for a moment.
I feel like that experience was a test and I failed it.
I feel like a failure and I feel like I' m wasting the best years of my life
I just wish that I was dealt different cards, like my whole deck is spoilt and this is what was put out for me.
You hear about people who struggle so badly but in the end they triumph and sometimes I wish that could happen for me.Then I feel I should be grateful for all that I do have when I see people with nothing at all.

My bf does not know the half of it and I know I need to tell him before we get engaged which is coming up soon.
I need to sort my life out before we get married too as I want to start on a clean slate.
He comes from a very wealthy family and therefore I do not want him to know as I get the feeling that they think I am only after his money.
So I just pretend all is fine even though inside I' m dying, I also do not want to be anyone' s charity case and I also want him to see me as an equal and not just some weak person who can' t stand her own because that' s ultimately what I strive not to be.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Can't your father get some support from the local medical school or state hospital, as regards his meds ?
I understand that you fel awful about what you did in desparation. But you did not go through with it, though the money must have been enormously tempting. And the situation that led you to feel so desperate was not your choosing or your fault. If that experience was a tst, you passed it, as a person with honour and quality.
Yes, you hear of people who strugle for ages and then triumph in the end --- and they probably felt just as sure as you do that good things could not happen to them, before they did.
Talk with your bf, and make it clear, that you love him, but have felt scared to talk to him about your financial problems, for fear that he or his family might think you were only thinking of the money. If he loves you, he will be able to understand. DOn't let pride stop you from accepting some help from him. There's no point in being wealthy unles one uses the wealth to help worthy people, like yourself. That's not "being a harity ase" --- and I'm sure hat as soon as you no longer need financial help, you will stop taking it.
You are NOT a weak person --- it takes great strength to struggle as long and hard as you have, and any sensible person should honour you for that

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Our users say:
Posted by: Julie | 2009/05/25

My goodness if that was a test you passed it with flying colours. I am so proud of you and you should be very proud of yourself. You didn' t go through with it AND you returned the money. What a low life that man must be to take advantage of you like that.

You inspire me so much. Hang in there - and as CS says, accepting help does not make you a charity case. I once struggled as well and I was shy to ask for a loan from a friend and he was actually offended that I would not let him help me, " no man is an island and what are friends for"  he said.

Take care.

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