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Question
Posted by: Shadow | 2004/02/05

Lost love

Good day Cybershrink,

My story is quite long and probably common, however I need to hear what I don’t want to hear if that is what’s going to be said. (Wow, that was a mouth full already)

About 4,5 years ago, I met the woman of my dreams. We had a relationship, which lasted almost 2 years. I caught her cheating with a friend of mine. Now generally it would not be a problem to kick this person out and move on with life, because I believe once a cheater, always a cheater. However, I fell deeply in love, love like I have not felt before! We broke up of course... and emotionally I was so destroyed because of this. I quit my job. I gave up on so many things! Yet I moved on, started dating but did not ever consider other women’s feelings when I met them. I compared them all to her and none came close, I did not give any of them a fair chance.

How will I be able to love again? Or be loved for that matter.

You see, I did everything for her out of my love for her. I cooked (I love cooking). I am romantic and gave her all the emotional stability she needs. She often returns and still tells me no man treated her as well as I did. I took care of her daughter [while she was cheating on me]. And, yes I do see her often, she regards me as a friend and I agreed to be her friend because I could not have her in a relationship because of the cheating.

Now the problem I have is that it has been over 2 years since we were together, yet I love her, need her and cannot stop thinking of her. It has reached the stage that I cannot even relax and not think of her. It is affecting my sleep/career/studies/relationships. I need a "quick fix" to get her out of my mind and heart. I need to erase those memories.

For instance, my friends and I are going to the farm this weekend and all that I can think of is that the last time I was there, it was with her! [More than 2,5 years ago, I could not go and used to go at least once a month!] I love the farm, I can relax, "smell the roses" and get away from everything. However this time I am going to the problem... or so it feels!

Another problem is that she is involved with my friends, I see her on TV (she is a cheerleader for a certain team), I feel her, I smell her, and I know I need her all the time.

It is to the point that I am going to go insane if I do not find help.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Dear LL<
what a marvellously Byzantine opening sentence !
You don't need her. And when you compare her with other women you meet, you cheat yourself-- you're comparing, not the real her, but the fantasy her you created in your mind, and loved ; and you're comparing the best of what you fantasized she might be, with their reality, and conveniently forgetting the bad aspects of the real her. ( See ? I can manage a pretty Bysantine sentence muself !)
You don't need to erase those memories, but to change them, from the false ones you have been comforting yourself with, to reality-based ones. When you go to the farm, don't sigh about how marvellous he was, remember how cheating and hurtful she was, and feel happy that you can now enjoy it without her company.
You don't need her. You have convinced yourself that you do. Unconvince yourself.
Cut down on the contacts you have been having with her, they're not benefitting either of you.
Counselling --- from any available counsellor, depending on where you are. It doesn't need a rocket-scientist, just a professional with the usual training and experience.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

6
Our users say:
Posted by: Kernel | 2004/02/05

Yes, unfortunately you have obsessive thoughts about this woman and you tend to remember all the good times you had together.

The only way out of this dead-end is to totally break all contact with her and to force any thoughts of her out of your head. Some counselling may also be helpful - the more you tell your story to someone else the more it eases the pain and the memories.

You should willfully try to start a new life and put the past behind you. What she did was wrong and although you have strong feelings for her you must always remind yourself of it whenever you have thoughts about her. Only time will eventually get you over her.

Good luck.

Reply to Kernel
Posted by: Dave | 2004/02/05


She has hurt you deeply which is why you are obsessing about this woman. She will always hurt you. If she loved you that much she wouldnt have done it in the first place. Sounds to me that you propbably had the best sex ever with this woman and you have not found that again??? Is that it? You have to stop seeing her. Even as a friend so that you can repair your wounds.

Reply to Dave
Posted by: Shadow | 2004/02/05

I have thought it over a million times. But I do not think I could handle the heart ache again. Last time i was close... if it was not for my true friends. I love her so much!

I will speak to her and keep you posted. Thank you so much!
Final thought:
(Is there true love = yes; is it worth it = not unless it is from both parties)

Reply to Shadow
Posted by: eve | 2004/02/05

hey shadow
your story is quite sad and from reading it i actually felt that stabbing pain you get when your loved one has betrayed you....we as humans only want what we cant have we tend to fantasise how it would be like and imagine that it will be the perfect relationship, but when we get into the relationship its not the way we thought it would be.... i think maybe give her a second chance i know you dont want to but maybe this way you will get it out of your system and when you back with her maybe then you will see what you really want to do, like i said we only want what we cannot have.... i hope this helps. good luck keep us posted

Reply to eve
Posted by: Shadow | 2004/02/05

Because I tried in the beginning and it just kept on popping up. It was with one of my "best" friends. I gave everything, EVERYTHING.

I hear what you are saying, but what kind of professional help? And where if I may ask?

Reply to Shadow
Posted by: lady nina | 2004/02/05

hi there

why could you not forgive er and get back together?

seems like you either love her alot - making reconciliation possible
or you are living in a dream world - a world you created void of the pain she caused you and only remembering the good and nice things - this is normal but never healthy - get proffesional help - you are living a lie

take care

nina

Reply to lady nina

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