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Question
Posted by: lattifah | 2004/03/11

Lost Interest

Hi Doc
I am 23 yrs and i also am a mother to a two months baby soon to be three. I stay with my boyfriend and things between us have not been right ( I mean sexually).

I don't have interest in having sex with him anymore. In a week we only have sex once or twice. I am healed and I have return to work also.

This is frustrating him and he tries to understand but how can he understand something I don't understand myself.When we have it feels good (very good ), he is gentle and he knows what makes me tick but these days he has to beg me for it I don't understa what is wrong with me.

I am using the pill for contriceptives. Please help bcz things at home are beginning to sour up.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

If nine times out of ten, you just not feel like having sex, you are not alone. Almost half the women seeking sex therapy from me say that lack of interest is their main problem.

There are many reasons why desire can take a nosedive, but do not despair – there is a lot you can do to improve your sex life.

Why have you ‘gone off it’?

For many couples, sex is wonderful when they first get together. They just cannot keep their hands off each other. But as time goes by the thrill wears off and sex becomes less intense as the demands of everyday life set in. After a year or two and perhaps the arrival of children, sex may drop to the bottom of the agenda.

Once a pattern is established of having sex infrequently, or not at all, it can be hard to get back to a regular and satisfying love life.

Most relationships go through phases like this, but there is no reason to think that the passion has gone forever. Many couples find their sex life matures as they do and become more meaningful and satisfying.

Apart from simply getting bored with sex, or losing the habit of making love, many practical factors can affect your feelings:

· Illness
· Stress
· Over-tiredness
· Children who wake in the night or want to sleep in your bed.

If you can identify with any of these, you will need to tackle the root cause before you can work on improving your sex life.

Is sex the real problem?

…basic dissatisfaction within a couple’s relationship. Common problems include:

· Drifting apart and losing touch
· Feeling taken for granted or neglected
· Frequent arguments, nagging
· Problems such as money worries, family conflict, work-related stress
· Affairs

Problems like these need working through, since only when you feel better about your relationship is there a chance of your sex life improving. Try talking with your partner about how to make things better. Counselling can be very helpful if your problems seem to daunting to tackle alone.

Common sex problems

Any of the problems listed here might put you off even trying to have sex, yet all of them can be treated. Your GP of sexologist could offer help. There are also self-help books.

· Difficulty reaching orgasm for women and
· For men problems controlling ejaculations or in reaching orgasm
· Pain during intercourse
· Contractions of the muscles around the vagina (Vaginismus), which make intercourse impossible
· For men, not always being able to “perform” even when you would like to.

Working together to improve your sex life: talking about sex

Discussing your sex life may feel impossible, but you can learn to make this delicate subject more approachable. The following talking techniques from Sarah Litvinoff’s helpful book, The relate Guide to Sex in Loving Relationships.

Get comfortable with sex as a topic by talking about it generally. Watch TV programmes, or read magazine articles on sex, then talk about them.

Start being more open about your feelings. Going for a walk together can be a good way to have a relaxed chat, which does not turn into confrontation.

If your partner suggests trying something new, do not reject the idea out of hand. You might agree to try something you feel dubious about, on the understanding that you take it gradually and stop if you do not like it. Try to keep an open mind and come up with new ideas between you.

Lovemaking can easily become routine and adding one or two new elements can help to bring back the excitement. Many useful books are available on sex techniques, which could give you some inspiration.

The time, the place

A big problem for many couples is finding a time for sex when they are not too exhausted to enjoy it. Get your dairies out and book a time when you are both free to make love. Or arrange a night in a hotel – a change of scenery often works wonders.

Make the surroundings warm and atmospheric. Soft music, candles, wine can all help to put you in the mood.

Ensure your privacy. Send children off to stay with friends or relatives overnight, or get someone to take them out for an afternoon.
Does sex therapy work?

Most research showed that three-quarters of women whose problem was lack of desire, enjoyed sex more after they had therapy.

What happens in therapy?

First of all, you can expect to be talking explicitly and in detail about sex. One cannot solve sexual problems by talking around them. Neither can one gain new sexual information unless clear instruction is given.

Second, you might expect to be offered the opportunity to add to your knowledge by reading selected books and/or viewing clinical films designed specifically for use in sex therapy. You should not, however, do anything, which you do not understand, and you must reserve, for yourself the right to question the purpose of an assignment. It is your right to decline or postpone acting in the suggestions of your therapist, rather than allowing yourself to be pushed into behaviour, which might actually increase your discomfort.

Every assignment, task, or experience presented by the therapist should fit into an understandable and acceptable treatment plan – and you have the right to question the procedures.

Third, you should expect sex therapist to be non-judgemental and to portray their own comfort in giving and receiving sexual information. While you might expect to be challenged and confronted on important issues, you should also expect to experience a respectful attitude toward those . . .

Fourth, unless your therapist is a licensed HCP wishing to conduct a physical examination, you should not expect to be asked to disrobe in the presence of your therapist. Sexual contact between client and therapist is considered unethical and is destructive to be therapeutic relationship. Neither should you expect to be required to perform sexually with your partner in the presence of your therapist.

Overt sexual activities just should not occur in your therapist’s presence, even though the talk, material and the assignments must, by the nature of the problem, be specially sexual and at times blunt and explicit.

Finally, you should feel that you are heard and adequately represented in your sexual therapy. That is, you should not feel that you have been stereotyped as “female” as “gay” as “too old” or in any other way that interferes with your sense of uniqueness within the therapeutic setting.

You should feel that you are being treated as an individual, not as a category!

Sex therapy is by its nature a very sensitive treatment modality and by necessity must include respect for the client’s values. It must be non-sexist, with recognition of the equal rights of man and woman to full expression and enjoyment of healthy sexual relationships.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Sipho basher | 2004/03/11

The only pleasure anybody can get from you Sipho is when you finally decide to stay out of the forum.

Reply to Sipho basher
Posted by: Sexo | 2004/03/11

Sipho, your teacher in grade 2 said you are welcome to return to school again. She understands that you are from the previous disadvantage community but also said it's not her fault your brain is from the same source, but has undertaken to do her utmost best to at least uplift your I Q from 2 to 10 by the end of this year.
All you need to do is to report at her grade 2 class on Monday 7 a.m sharp. -- a.m means in the morning Sipho and grade 2 is the one next to grade 1

Reply to Sexo
Posted by: Sipho | 2004/03/11

I know more that you know. Bring your woman and ill show her the pleasure. Serious

Reply to Sipho
Posted by: Sexo | 2004/03/11

Your honesty to acknowledge that the problem is with yourself, is absolutely GREAT!! Your so-called road to recovery started at the correct place-at your own doorstep. You need to consult a qualified sexologist urgently and don't feel embarised to make the appointment. You will never regret it. Your problem is experienced by many woman so don't even feel alone at all.
Step no 1 is to communicate the issue to your partner and re-assure him of your love towards him and step no 2 is to make the appointment.
Then Sipho, please stay out of this one, because this is far more complexed than your peanut-brain can absorb. You need an I Q greater than 5 to understand this issue and sorry, you dont qualify.

Reply to Sexo
Posted by: Romantic coach | 2004/03/11

Lattifah, first of all, congrats on the new arrival. I trust that all is well with the little one and that you'll have many happy years with him/her.

On the "loss of interest" side of things I think that you should not be so harsh on yourself. Your body has been through a lot lately and there are still all sorts of things happening inside there. Although some women may disagree with me because some can be very active sooner than others.

Be patient and I think your bf should also be patient. You're probably also sub-conciously worrying about returning to work so in many ways sex is furthest away from your mind.

But it is also an important part of the relationship so don't forget about it all together. You still have to try and make time for yourself and for your partner. But yes, at the end of the day, a 3-month old baby does demand a lot of time and energy.

Hang in there, I'm sure things will work out. As long as you are aware of it.

All the best.

Reply to Romantic coach

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