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Posted by: daisy | 2007/12/18

losing it

hi Doc<br>i am losing it... i live with my boyfriend and he is prob the best thing that has happened in my life... but i keep pushing him away. all i can do all the time is fight with him... He completely shuts down if he sees that i am upset and that makes me more upset and we fight even more. i cant seem to be happy for more than a couple days with out losing it... our latest fight is because i asked him to just lie in bed with me a while longer so we can talk - then he got a phn call (work) then just went off to go and shower..so i was very upset coz it feels like he just doesnt even want to try any more... i know it sounds like a small thing, but it really upsets me...<br>is it time to throw in the towel? Or what can i do to stop myself form wanting to fight all the time?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Well, we run a sort of Lost and Found dept for people who ar elosing it, I suppose ! :} I wonder, from your description, what's really happening. Are you perhaps being rather needy and demanding and high maintenance ? That's enough to frighten off most men, is is generally based on aspects of your upbringing and unrealistic expectations of what others should do for you. If, and you seem to recognize this as the primary problem, it is you who are too readily spoiling for a fight --- maybe first see a good local counsellor / therapist, preferably for CBT ( Cognitive-Behaviour Therapy ) to change your unrealistic expectations, and to feel more secure and with more self-esteem, and thus ion a stronger position to make a success of this or any other relationship. NOT dealing with this now, could mean that you just leave this guy, and then do the same thing with the next one.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: renee | 2007/12/18

i think you are inlove with your past than with him just let go and invite your partner in your life as you say he is the best thing that has happened in your life.love him for who he is not for what you want him to become ,all the best

Reply to renee
Posted by: dasiy | 2007/12/18

thank you Maria

Reply to dasiy
Posted by: Maria | 2007/12/18

You can contact FAMSA, they have a website where you can look up your closest branch. Lifeline (0861 322 322) or the Depression and Anxiety Group helpline (011 783 1474/6) might also be able to refer you to a counseller. You can also ask your gp - look for someone who does Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) if possible.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: daisy | 2007/12/18

thanks for your replies...
i just feel like i am giving all the time and he doesnt want to give back. thats what makes me crazy! But i dont think there is anything wrong with getting some help...
Any ideas where to go for councelling? in in JHB...

Reply to daisy
Posted by: Maria | 2007/12/18

Is fighting a pattern that you've also had in previous relationships? Perhaps you would benefit from some counselling to help you find better ways of dealing with conflict. It would also be helpful for the two of you to go to counselling together so that someone can help you sort out your differences. In the process you might find that you are not compatible - at least you've then learnt something and can do things differently the next time. But hey, perhaps you find that you just misunderstand each other and with better understanding your relationship will improve. It's worth a try!

Reply to Maria
Posted by: not the doc | 2007/12/18

DAISY,
sounds like you have a problem.Why are you so unhappy ?
You are going to drive him away ,thats for sure if you keep on fighting,Seek profesional help if you cant figure it out yourself. I was in the same boat but my wife is a health profesional,she could identify my hang ups ,fears and doubts ,and pointed me in the right direction ,but continuing fighting and being unhappy all the time ,or breaking up wont solve anything ,as the insecurities and problems will only pop out in your next relationship ,if youre lucky enough to have another.You say this man is the best ever ,well , fight for your relationship and happines.We ,all of us dont realise youve got to work for your happines ,and earn it day by day.An old love song went like this "now that we have found love ,how do we make it stay ?"
Youve got to give ,give give and give forever,your love ,time ,patience,effort,a lot of yourself ,money , anything it asks.Love is a verb ,you work it ,at it, and around ,and most of all -because of it.
Start working on yourself ,and he will keep working at loving you.
Loving yourself ,is a great place to start.








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