Posted by: jess | 2012/07/07

longterm struggle with no plan of getting better

I have had an eating disorder for 10 years, i am 24 years old. I have been to tara, crescent , and two other very very long term addiction centers when i cross-addicted to alcohol. I have only been out of rehab two years from rehab and enjoying living life, studying, having friends for first time in long. Life is great and i am achieving so much in spite of my detour, struggles and rehab life. However the moment i step out of rehab, i go back to throwing up daily, longest i went was for almost 6 months in a very strict rehab without purging, however the moment they began trusting and giving me leeway , i go back to purging but dont want to tell anyone about it as i hate the weight i gain in rehab. I become overweight in rehab and within one month i can go overweight. I left my last longterm rehab at 70kgs, and I now sit around 48kgs again, which is very underweight for me again.

Therapy never worked for me, i can never be honest. and no one knows im back in active addiction, which ive been throwing up everyday since i left rehab. I just know no other way cos i get too overweight and uncomfortable in recovery. My family and friends notice nothing,. No one says anything as I dont think i am anorexic looking, i just sit at this weight from purging everymeal, but im not starving.

I dont know what to do , seeing a therapist always made me obsess more about my illness and made me want to prove to the therapist i was sick, i found the healthiest i was ever, was times i was not going to therapy as the focus was off it , and i lived life instead subsequently allowing my ed to control my life less.

I dont think i can get better, i dont know what to do. I cant go back to rehab, i have spent most of my young life in rehab and i am happy for the first time part of functioning soceity, but i am just now a functioning bulimic. rehab does not have long term effects for me.

What alternatives could i consider. I have told one person about my current condition, the rest of my family and friends think i am recovered for two years now. they dont suspect anything, scary thing is i dont think i can get better, ive just thought maybe when im married one day ill sort myself out, or maybe this, or that? IT IS so severe though to only have a few days of clean time, which mean abstaining from purging in ten years when outside of rehab.

what now. my future is bright i am busy doing a masters degree, i have tons of friends and relationships. I am loved and fun to be around. I am consistent and dilligent at work, i have so much lined up for me, it is just this thing that will never leave me .

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageEating Disorders Expert

If you be honest with yourself, can you truly say that you are enjoying life if you still find it necessary to purge every meal you consume? I suggest you reflect on your numerous admissions and ask yourself what your purging is serving you life. You might think of yourself as a "functional bulimic", but I question whether such an identity exists. Functioning how? You study, you have friends, you are not in a coffin, but do you really life an emotionally and socially honest existence? Your illness is very dangerous and fatal. I suggest you get real and share with more than just one person what you are doing to yourself. Maybe then, you will more seriously take action. If you weren't't worried, why did you even place this email on the web?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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