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Question
Posted by: Sammy | 2008/01/31

Living in regret

Hi doc
Im 27 & in the late 90s I met this guy at church and we fell in love but we couldn't be 2gether becouse of our relegion. in 2004 i was living in another province & he became a pastor. he told me he loved me,i loved him back but i couldn't imagine myself being a pastor's wife& i had dreams to achieve so i pretended to be not in love with him and i was very conveincing. after some yrs he ended up giving up on me and he got married. Im now living in regret coz i stil in love with him and i know that he stil loves me. on his wedding day he sent me an sms saying that he will alwayz loves me. im in a loving healthy relationship & my boyfriend treat me like a queun but my heart is still with the pastor and my bf doesn't know. though im regreting my diccision but if i had to start all over again i will still choose my career.

i love him so deeply, sometimes i call him on private number just to hear his voice and i know that this is a recipe for dissaster on my current relationship but i can't help it - i love him with my heart and soul and i never loved any one the way i love him even my bf.

But im tired of the whole thing, i want help. i want to get over him as i chose my career and im happy of my achievment so far, so i need to take my heart of this man who is holding me back.

Pls advise

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

With all due respect, this sounds like the plot of a Hallmark movie. As Hope* says, that SMS is a most peculiar thing for a pastor of ANY church to do. You made a decision, for what sopund like justifiable reasons, which you now regret --- well, one cannot change that past. And you now run the risk of ruining the present of your current relationship and his marriage, and that would be wholly unjustifiable. See a CBT counsellor to learn to stop obsessing about the love that was and what in your romantic fantasies might be, and find the best way to return to reality and be very grateful for the love you now have. As John says, if you love this man, you would stop contacting him and move on, and allow him to move on --- you're doing nobody any favours by dwelling on Might Have Been.

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Our users say:
Posted by: PAstor | 2008/02/01

He is naughty pastor will a secret. I love it.

Reply to PAstor
Posted by: Babybear | 2008/01/31

SAMMY, I adore your strong character which I believe will conquer ur little misery. U made a choice that u value and that in itself says a lot. Now u need to focus and cherish what you have NOW. Who knows, he might have been head -over-heals with you but that does not mean that you two will be good together. As you say, you guys are different therefore that in itself would have let to a chaotic lifetime relationship.
So cherish what u have and enjoy it as if u will never get another opportunity. Remove the past from your mind, THE POWER OF MIND!!!!

Reply to Babybear
Posted by: Sammy | 2008/01/31

sometimes i think it all in the past but the next day i will find myself back to square 1. But I get the point, i will try not to distroy my relationship for a married guy. Maybe he never loved me the way i think he did, even if he did we can turn back. thank you so much for your input it realy kept me thinking. coz now i feel so scared that maybe i was going to lose a man that adores me for some crazy postor.

Reply to Sammy
Posted by: John | 2008/01/31

There is something tragic - not romantic - about lost love, and about lost opportunities. You did nothing noble by choosing your career over his calling - on the contrary, your choice speaks volumes about your character and values - and he, in your anecdote about his call on his wedding day, evokes an image of sadness and betrayal.

Like the sympathy you were hoping for, there are no winners here.

And you do not love him as deeply as you think because, by your own admission, if you were caught in a time loop that repeated itself, you would leave him over and over and over again. He is better off without love that would have deserted him every time you had a choice.

Reply to John
Posted by: SR | 2008/01/31

Sammy - seems like you made a decision, you need to live with it and get over it and yourself

Reply to SR
Posted by: Southernwrite | 2008/01/31

Its enough to make me turn in my grave - Long live honesty !!!

Reply to Southernwrite
Posted by: Hope* | 2008/01/31

Fancy a pastor sending a message to his ex girlfriend on his wedding day??  That in itself be enough to turn you off him.

Reply to Hope*

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