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Posted by: Spiderman | 2007/04/23

Like sand through the hour glass...

Like a web through a spiders bum...so is the days of spidies life.

With a greasy toasted ham and cheese sandwich and a Nosh bar in the other hand with a strong cup of coffee on my desk...with a clear note on my studio door stating : PLEASE DO NOT ENTER WHEN THE ABOVE LIGHT IS RED, NO OPEN LIQUIDS OR FOOD PERMITTED IN THE PRODUCTION STUDIO. thank god my boss is on leave...

I feel so k#k now!...on Friday night me and my boyfriend had a long chat in the car...he says that i have abandonment issues, and that i always want to know what he is doing...who's calling and where he is...he says that i drain him and he can't give me all the attension i need..because he almost lost his brother and mother and he needs to be with then and give them attension aswell...as he told me this i knew the break up is just around the corner...he then said that he does'nt know what going to happen to the relasionship...i told him that i will change...i will not be so jealous anymore and i will give him his space...while he we're talking and 'upsetted' me...i was shaking...i felt needles and pins on my face...i could'nt breath normally...and i went in to silent mode...now and then i said something- but i descided to do the silent thing to i guess protect myself.

My theropist says that if my boyfriend phones me and says that he cant see me than all the sh!t from the past..all the rejection from my childhood comes down on me at once! Now just imagine how i felt on Friday....so we went out clubbing on Friday and the boyfriend went home earlier and i slept over by his friends place...my boyfriend said that he will come pick me up the next day round about 3 o'clock. i then went to go visit a friend in claremont...i then asked him he can come pick me up at Cavendish (a shopping mall in Claremont) i then got a SMS reply from him: "Fukc Spiderman...i am no where close to Claremont. I'm at work then town on business stuff. So get back to town so i can get you there orhome by yourself." I then replied by smsing: is dit nodig om te vloek?...how de hell was i suppose to knw that you where working (normally he doe'snt work on a Sat.) if u don't want to c me or be with me today...just say so!" he then phoned me and upsetted me...so i just put the phone down in his ear...he then smsed: "piss off and grow up. and don'nt forget we have not finished our talk from last night. Sowhen u done sulking let me know...and i'll see when i can see u"

Oh my God i dont want to loose him! I love him so much! and i guess i cant force someone to love me.
Another thing that he pointed out was that i have been in theorpy and on medication for a while now and it does'nt look like i get better...could it be that i scared him off when i told him i see a theropist and that i use medication and OD?

Talking about OD-ing yesterday i didnt have any sleeping pills so i took 20 Allergex's...the make you drowsy...because i felt alone and that i have no one left in my life. whn i woke up all sleepy at about 4 i called up this one chickie that i worked with and i told her i need to be with someone...she then said that i should come with her to church...i did listen to the radio yesterday morning...and i guess when you feel so depressed...you want to believe that there is something up there that 'loves you' so i went to church...on the way there i cried myself in a state...and the pastor just pissed me off even more! the topic of the preach was sexual sin...and he said: Cape Town is slowly becomeing the gay capital of the world..and that we need to put a sin to it...and as soon as you feel any homosexual emosions you need to repent and ask god to remove these demonic forces!...so the church thing didnt really work for me.

Tonight i'm seeing my ex boyfriend again...to complete "the chat" i know he is going to upset me....and last nite when i asked him if thing are still cool between us...he said HE DOES'NT KNOW...HE REALLY DOES'NT KNOW

Another thing that upsetted me was that he has a on line profile on a dating site! someone told me about it...and i checked it out...there is fotos of him where he stands topless and he includes personal info about if he is cut or uncut!...maybe i should'nt feel all angry coz i also have a online profile...but atleased i have my clothes on and i don'nt include information like if i'm cut or not if i am in a relastionship!!!!

Ohhh God!...sooo depressed and sad right now!!!!!!





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Our expert says:
Expert ImageGay, lesbian and bisexual expert

Hi Spiderman and thanks for this post. I can understand that the uncertainty of your relationship with your bf - and the possibility that he may 'reject' you - is particularly scary for you right now.

Remember that you're on new meds and that the dose is being increased slowly. I really hope you're taking it as directed (I know you had enough to last you until today?). Your mood will definitely stabilise and the meds will take the edge off those very dark patches you sometimes experience.

I'm not impressed that you took 20 Allergex tabs - I thought we'd passed that and that you'd decided that over-dosing on meds was not for you? Yikes Spiderman... please lay off the OD stuff, it really is dangerous.

Stick with your new medication, take it as directed with the dosage slowly increasing, keep attending your therapy sessions and hang in there, everyone here is your side and we really want you to be OK. No more OD stuff, OK?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Tammy | 2007/04/24

Spidey,

If you're going to go to church, then at least go where you'll ne loved and accepted as you are. The Metropolitan Christian Church in District 6 is pro - gay ... :D

hugs and kisses

Tammy

Reply to Tammy
Posted by: Jack Noir | 2007/04/23

Addendum: Path = past!

Reply to Jack Noir
Posted by: Jack Noir | 2007/04/23

Hmmm...how do I put this?
I am in a foul mood so this might "colour" my reply.

I dont know you from a bar of soap, this is the advise that I would give my best friend, so I will give it to you.

You are grasping at religion and path only bacause you feel like you are drowning in yourself!
O'ding on Hayfever medication is stupid and irresponsible!!!

I have a high expectation of people because I have been where you are and got through it.
We have all been where you are in 1 form or the other.
Trying to commit suicide or O'ding is a sad excuse for asking for help.
Cowards quit!

I have said this so many times before - Spend time with yourself as your BF will not be happy with you if you are not happy with yourself!!!!

My rant...






Reply to Jack Noir
Posted by: Deeve | 2007/04/23

Hi Spidy, Your posting IS extremely intense, and I guess that's how your b/f is also experiencing his time with you too? What advice has your Therapist given lately...? Hopefully to find yourself, BEFORE you continue tripping over all the obstacles that you've again described to us. The negative experiences that you keep telling us about, are all very similar, and ALL relate to some or another insecurity that you haven't yet dealt with. Your b/f is finding all of this VERY overbearing, and until you sort things out, you will just carry all of this baggage around from one relationship/friendship to the next. So no good moving on, and looking for the next...it ain't gonna solve a stitch!
We all suggested that you find some 'real' friends, and start enjoying life on your own. Learning to cope with disappointments, with the ups AND the downs. Learning to be self sufficient, not clingy, not needy, not whiney, not 'I can't do things on my own'...your b/f senses all of this, and seemingly, i'ts becoming too much for him. Only once YOU have decided to take control, and make a change, will anything positive start to happen. Nothing on your list is too difficult to accomplish...just positive thinking, and the will to come out on top. Set yourself a target and make sure you achieve it. Immediately you will start to see how easy it is to 'climb out of a hole'. Spidy, don't leave things alone...the cracks are showing, and you need to sort this while you're still young. You have many years ahead of you....I've seen far too many Guys with enormous Baggage, and well into their thirties!! Such a waste.... Lastly Spids, you don't need to tell anyone you're seeing a therapist, or taking meds.....there are many things that one can keep personal, and its not hiding anything. Keep smil'in...Hugz...D

Reply to Deeve
Posted by: LONEWOLF | 2007/04/23

Hi Spidy. You are clearly very upset and not thinking straight if I go according to your post. Anyone of us sometimes get to a point where you need to take a break, in whatever form. Drinking pills is not going is not one of them, neither is alcohol or drugs. You just postpone the inevatable. Any decent therepist will tell you that to fix things when they are as mixed up as the situation you are in, will take time. Therapy also takes a lot of things into account. Medication is only one part of a greater effort, one part is talking about it, one part is your health and diet, decent exercise and so on. As the other guys here, and in previous posts stated, maybe you should really consider breaking off this relationship. If you really love him so much, and if you two are meant to be together, you will get together regardless. Otherwise, cut your losses and split. You seem to be caught up in a lot of emoitional issues that only you can deal with, and for starters you cannot deal with it all at once. No one can. Many of us tried and believe me' it does not work. Stand a bit back, get some perspective (WITH HELP) and start all over again. Once a relationship gets ruled by petty arguments as you described, ask yourself the question; Is it worth it. Also, what makes me wonder, you are cross with him for advertising online, but you do the same. (Whether you have a shirt on or not in the add is really beside the point). I might be the last person qualified to judge you with my own horrible history, but are you guys really serious about the relationship? You can safe yourself a lot of heart ache. And if you really love him, maybe letting him go is the best????

Reply to LONEWOLF
Posted by: Joe | 2007/04/23

U have serious issues more than what your relationship can stand. Leave him and find yourself and what you want. And taking your life is senseless. Nobody is that special to dot it for!

Reply to Joe
Posted by: Boyboy | 2007/04/23

Not sure who your therapist is, but I think you need somone a bit more intensive? Dunno; just a thought... Expert will know more!

Reply to Boyboy
Posted by: Boyboy | 2007/04/23

Ummm Spidy I thought you'd made up your mind that this relationship is not working and that you needed to end it...?? I'd really recommend you speak to your bf and perhaps end it on a nice note. Yes, you may love him, but I don't think your relationship is meant to be. Best for all. Think of the bigger picture - what's best for your life and his. I also think that you need to find some creative outlet or even do something that's not part of your normal routine... maybe even something that requires some form of exercise?? Works wonders for sanity!

Reply to Boyboy

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