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Posted by: Detached | 2004/01/08

life decisions

I am at a stage in my life where i am not too sure of what I am doing. My b/f of three years who is now my fiance, in the time that we have been toghether has lied to me, cheated on me, abused me and used me financially. I was the clingy type always wanting to know where he was and what he was doing becos he cheated on me b4. I do love him dearly and he loves me as well.
He has since gotten his act together (I think it was the line "u never really know what u had until u have lost it"), he pays for most things, the ex is finally a closed case and his lies has stopped.
The only difference right now is that though he has gotten his act together and he is making such a valid effort and I do love him like I would never love again, I have now become a bit of a loner. I am no longer clingy, I now trust him completely, and somehow I now dont really care if he wants to go out or stay at home and I dont call him anymore to find out where he is and what he is doing and when he is coming home even though it would be past 12 o' clock at nite. He use to come home sometimes and go out for business meetings or go out with the boy and this is not a frequent thing. I use to phone him like a million times to find out where he is but I dont do this anymore. Nowdays he is phoning me to tell me that he will be late or he will be home in half an hours time or where he is etc.
We are suppose to be married by now and I am finding ways of putting things off, using legal reasons.
Though i love this man so much, and i do know that he loves me to little bitty pieces, I am now somehow finding myself getting detached and I dont understand this feeling.
I have also detached myself totally from his family. As a woman in my culture, respect for his family is held high, but they have lied blatantly to my face. His mom classes ppl and thinks that her family is high class. I dont like classing ppl or thinking that i am better than anyone else. I wish this was an inferiority complex with his mom but culture wise, I do come from a higher class of ppl than she does. I just always dispised the fact that my family would think that they are better than other ppl.
Now coming bk to him and this posting is more abt him and my attitude,
I am finding it difficult to be affectionate towards him and yet he is showing such affection, he is making such a good attempt to redeem himself, make our relationship work, look forward to a married life with kids and yet I just cannot explain my attitude and reaction as I truely cannot.
Many Thanks

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Our expert says:
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Dear Semi-Detached,
it sounds as if your bf WAS peviously behaving like a louse and treating you badly, so it would be very understandable if you still felt, at some level, hurt and resentful over what happened --- or at least deeply cautious about whether his change for the better could slide back towards his old ways.
On the othr hand you describe rather a dramatic change of behaviour on his part, very much for the better ; something nobody does easily, so it must represent considerable efort on his pat, and may suggest that he really does love you.
To help to work things out together, so that you can feel safer that the good side of him is what will persist, and so you can become more affectionate and comfortable with him again, and so that he can find it easier to remain good, and to encourage you -- why not think about the two of you, jointly, getting involved in some relatonship counselling, like marriage counselling, to sort things out even better between you ? Congratulations onn how well you have grown strong in some aspects of yourself ; now is the time to continue, growing stronger in other ways as well.
It's a pity that his mom still sticks to old ways of classing people --- generally, people who fel insecure about their own status, try to find some comfort from finding reasons for looking down on someone else. it's sad. And in most cultures, there is now some degree of gap between your generation and the older generation, who hold to more traditional ways ( or at least those aspcts of tradition that suits them ! ) and the younger generation who have become more cosmopolitcan and flexible. If the two of you can make things work between you, his mother will have to cme to term with it, don't let her spoil things in the meantime by taking her attitudes too seriously.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Detached | 2004/01/09

Thanks

Reply to Detached
Posted by: Jj | 2004/01/09

Good for you that you have grown so strong emotionally. If you want to be alone sometimes, speak to your bf and give each other some space. Good luck!

Reply to Jj
Posted by: Detached | 2004/01/09

Thanks Jj, maybe u r right. The pain he made me go thru resulted in me trying to commit suicide twice. I have now grown so strong emotionally, i just feel like being alone nowdays. I havent told him how i feel as he is maying such a valiant effort and i dont want to throw a spur into his effort. And I have been trying to give it another chance, though my heart is all for it, my brain wont let me.

Reply to Detached
Posted by: Jj | 2004/01/09

Maybe its hard to show affection, because of what he have done in the past, it made you feel angry cold etc. I can understand that, but now like you said he is changing and trying his utmost for your relationship to work. Try to do the same.. it must be hard because you can forgive but never forget! Give him and yourself another chance, go for councilling to sort out your own feelings and maybe then the effection will come back.

Reply to Jj
Posted by: Detached | 2004/01/09

There is love Jj, but its just hard to show affection anymore

Reply to Detached
Posted by: jj | 2004/01/09

If there is no effection from your side, then there is no LOVE.

Reply to jj

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