Our expert says:
YOu're very welcome here, R.Z., but you deserve more, too. Sounds like you've been dissociating a little, which isn't unusual or abnormal, and happens when we are strongly concentrated on something like a craft project --- and also leaves us more open to reminiscing about the past. Do NOT allow yourself to think about killing or harming yourself, however.
Yes, of course I will say that you CAN change things --- because that is true. What is NOT true is when you say that you can't --- maybe you don't see how to, maybe you don't have confidence in your ability to change things for the better, but there can be no possible doubt that it is possible. You are showing a very typical pattern of habitually negative thinking, which can become a difficult self-constructed trap to get out of.
DO call Lifeline as soon as possible and start talking with helpful people. And do arrange ( maybe the Depression / Anxiety group, number on this page, can help you to find a good local CBT counsellor, as this sounds like a mode of treatment that would be ideal for you. You seem so soaked in negativity that you're not giving yourself a proper chance to succed, as you so richly deserve to do.
And as Ness says, others will love you WHEN YOU love you --- your negative and hopeless attitude towards yourself is what may be making that mkore difficult to achieve right now.
Keep in contact and let us all know about your progress --- which WILL occur if you get proper help and allow yourself to progress.
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