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Posted by: Red Angel. | 2007/03/29

Life . . .

For the past few weeks I've become more and more lonely, I really feel extremely depressed. I sit on this site all the time just to have some interaction with other people. I have no (real) friends, and don't particularly care for the family living around here, not that they bother too much either. Sometimes, I find myself slipping into a strange dreamstate where I'm awake and doing something (like arts & crafts) but then I 'wake up' and sort of realise that I worked but don't recall much. In this state I relive things that happened in the past, conversations I had, places I've been, stuff like that. I like that state, it's like escaping from this loneliness inside. However, on Teusday, I saw myself being approached by my maid and her sister with long knifes in their hands and coming obviously to kill me. The fear I felt is unlike anything I ever experienced. Must by awefull going that way. Can't describe it. And now I'm thinking of just taking my car and drive till the tanks' empty and killing myself wherever I stop. I know you'll say I can change things, and that tomorrow'll be better, but I can't. My life is at a dead end, time to get off the bus and take myself forth to the final destination. Nobody cares. Nobody have to. Everyone has their own lifes and their own problems. They don't make theirs mine . . . I just don't see myself ever being happy again. Things won't ever get better. Hell can't be worse than this. . .

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

YOu're very welcome here, R.Z., but you deserve more, too. Sounds like you've been dissociating a little, which isn't unusual or abnormal, and happens when we are strongly concentrated on something like a craft project --- and also leaves us more open to reminiscing about the past. Do NOT allow yourself to think about killing or harming yourself, however.
Yes, of course I will say that you CAN change things --- because that is true. What is NOT true is when you say that you can't --- maybe you don't see how to, maybe you don't have confidence in your ability to change things for the better, but there can be no possible doubt that it is possible. You are showing a very typical pattern of habitually negative thinking, which can become a difficult self-constructed trap to get out of.
DO call Lifeline as soon as possible and start talking with helpful people. And do arrange ( maybe the Depression / Anxiety group, number on this page, can help you to find a good local CBT counsellor, as this sounds like a mode of treatment that would be ideal for you. You seem so soaked in negativity that you're not giving yourself a proper chance to succed, as you so richly deserve to do.
And as Ness says, others will love you WHEN YOU love you --- your negative and hopeless attitude towards yourself is what may be making that mkore difficult to achieve right now.
Keep in contact and let us all know about your progress --- which WILL occur if you get proper help and allow yourself to progress.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Shae | 2007/03/30

Red Angel, are you in Cape Town?

I feel the same way yo do very often and once i wondered, with so many people in the world, how can i feel so lonely. I watch people from my balcony, families getting into cars for an outing, couples driving along, friends laughing together and i think i must be the most pathetic person in the world to not have anyone. Im only on line during the week but i would like very much to learn about you, your dreams and what you would like your life to be like and just how your day is going. I know i miss having someone to tell these things to. So keep me updated k.

Reply to Shae
Posted by: moondust | 2007/03/29

Dear Red Angel,

If you need to chat, chat here there will always be someone around to respond to you.

If you want to you can email me

moondust (at) webmail dot co dot za

Reply to moondust
Posted by: Red Angel. | 2007/03/29

Thanks. I'm going to bed now, gonna take a few pills and hopefully if I wake up, things will seem better. Otherwise, well, sometimes one actually get what one wish for.

Be good now, see you tomorrow?

Reply to Red Angel.
Posted by: Ness | 2007/03/29

I have to go home now... please let me know how you are in the morning. I will be thinking of you this evening XX

Reply to Ness
Posted by: Maria | 2007/03/29

Red Angel... I remember that feeling that people will dislike me on sight, or even just hearing my voice. I felt that my family were the only ones I could impose on, because they HAD to love me, but strangely I resented them for this.

Believe that you can be helped, and accept that you need help. Then follow CS's suggestions on finding someone to help you. Ness's comment on putting on walking shoes made me smile, because that was also part of my road back to feeling human. You don't have to go far initially. You don't even have to make eye contact with anyone. But you might find that just being out and about will make a difference.

Good luck, and don't give up on yourself. You had the courage to post here... now have the courage to take the next step.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Ness | 2007/03/29

I tried to commit suicide once when I was at school... long story... abuse....parents divorse etc. I am SO GLAD it failed. Because if it had worked I would have missed out on so much. My beautiful little girl, my wonderful friends. It is easier to give up than to fight for what you want, WHAT YOU DESERVE!! FIght for it!! PLease

Reply to Ness
Posted by: Ness | 2007/03/29

I bet you I can make you a promise.... I bet that if you put on your walking shoes right now and took a long walk around your neighbourhood when you get back you will feel better. Smile at everyone you pass. Say hello if you like.

There is a wonderful saying "become the change you seek" if you go for your walks everyday after a while you will want to venture out more and more. You WILL be ok. You WILL get threw this, I know because I"VE BEEN THERE. And look at me now....

Reply to Ness
Posted by: Red Angel. | 2007/03/29

It'll take a massive amount of courage to go out of my house. I only pop over to the local Spar if I need things. I feel as if the entire world is revolted by the sight of me. I know I am.

Reply to Red Angel.
Posted by: Ness | 2007/03/29

Sweetheart the idea that everything will come right if someone loves you is not right. You have to love you. Pretend you are looking at yourself and tell yourself all your wonderful qualities. And Anon is right, reach out to people, you will be surprised how many people out there love you. Religion is another wonderful way to meet people in your comminity.

Wake up tomorrow morning and say "hey, todays going to be a great day" Smile at everyone even if you feel sad, after a while with everyone smiling back you will wonder why it took you so long.

xxxx

Reply to Ness
Posted by: Red Angel. | 2007/03/29

Scare my partner to hell? How so Anon?

Reply to Red Angel.
Posted by: Red Angel. | 2007/03/29

Oh. Hello Ness. I joined in alot of your and others' conversations, I really enjoy the times we spent together. You guys make life just that little more bearable. But this can't be how I spend my life. Even the bad postings touches me and throws me deeper into this depression. I am a bit sensitive. All I need is someone who really loves me. That'll make everything worth while.

Reply to Red Angel.
Posted by: Anon | 2007/03/29

We all have problems and one way or the other we have to deal with them. Call your family on daily basis. Dont rush yourself into a relationship cause you will scare your partner to hell. Just take your time - it will be ok one day or even sooner. Life is too precious to waste. I care also. And God and your family loves you too. Maybe you are also not opening up to those around you.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Ness | 2007/03/29

I care......

Reply to Ness

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