Posted by: Melon Confused HELP! | 2003/12/10

Letting go is hard BUT have I done the correct thing?

I have been involved with a Portuguese man of whom is 28 years and I am 27 years of age. We met when I was 21 so have now been together for 6 years. We moved in together after about 3 months and have been living together ever since. The first year we lived with him family which yes was hard considering I am South African and did not understand the Portuguese society very well, but over time through his family I learned. In the second year his mother and sister simply stopped talking to me for no reason according to him, and his father. This was very hard for me to understand as I come from a family that are open and discussed issues without leaving things bottled up inside. I learned in time to simply accept that fact that this is the way things are in his world. We then moved into our own place of which I did not see his family for about 3 years. He attended very few family functions which also worried me, as I have been brought up that when you marry, you marry a person's family as well if you like it or not they will always be around as families should be. He said he wanted to marry me from the day that we fell in love and that he simply wanted to open up a Business and then we could settle down. After 4 years of saving, paying for ALL our expenses so that he could save money for this business and then we could buy a house and get married etc... just before he opened up his business he kinda stopped coming home on time and never really saw him and if I asked I would simply get shouted at and told to understand that he is busy -"with what I used to think" - but once again talking the Portuguese society is NOT DONE! I'm a Caner by star sign so I'm very accepting and try not to pressure him into doing as I ask. Then I found out he was talking with his ex, and have some female friends that I did not know anything about, and AGAIN if I asked I would be told I was over reacting and it was nothing - AGAIN I left it thought that maybe he was right. I have a serious car accident and when he was contacted as he is my next of kin, he replied with I'm busy she will be fine. Eventually I got to the point of not return and packed my thing and left. I changed my cell no, moved house never spoke to saw him for 7 weeks - that was so VERY hard as I love this man with all my heart, but started feeling that maybe if I was not so soft and a push over and always finding excuse for him as everyone tells me, then maybe I would not be in this situation. So I went back to him, my family disowned me due to them thinking that he is no good for me. I spoke to them and in time they came round. At this point his family had still not wanted to see me or make things right I asked him "please we need to sort things out as I have with my family". As its hard for me to sit at home when he goes to weddings, engagements, birthdays etc....and I have to stay home alone for hours on end as he only gets home early hours of the morning, but on few occasions. He then proposed to me, I was so proud of my ring and my man that I love so dearly, but then 6 months later my rings was in for repairs and he said "thanks heavens as my dad might be coming passed and I don't want him to see that", it was his B-day so I once again left it. Then about 3 months after that I attended a dinner of the partners of his new and wonderful business and his dad who also attended saw my ring, he freaked at me and I explained that we were engaged to be married but with no date. His father was not unhappy about the engagement but that he did not know, I agreed. That really hurt so I took my ring off and told my boyfriend that when he was ready to be proud of us then we could move forward & that I did not want to be a dirty secret. I then encounter anther 2 very good female friends as he likes to call them, but again we are not allowed to talk about them. I noticed he would go to other tables to talk to this one specific your lady at a wedding we attended (the only one I have ever been to with him in 6 years). This has happened on about 3-4 occasions, but still I said nothing but then he I need a number out of his phone and YES I know I should not have checked is msg's but after this confusion and he would not communicate with me I checked and noticed that she had invited him to her out ...... but that was it nothing really else mentioned in the msg. I left it but it was to much for me to I confronted him about the situation, he freaked out so bad that I got into my car and left - he does not want to talk about her & assures me that she is nothing and no one. I love this man so much, and don't really believe he has messed me around but has this need to talk to other women, he said he cant talk to me and that he does not know why, maybe coz he does not know what to say???? This makes me angry coz he should just tell me how it is - how he feels etc....I have now again moved out and feeling so lonely, miserable, I don't even think my friends want to be around me coz I'm so moody, all I want to be is alone, I don't sleep and this in my eyes is not on that I HATE life - I really do I'm 27 and I really want to get married not to mention I'm dying to have children, I want a normal life but how do I fix things or get over him - I DON'T WANT TO BE UNHAPPY ANYMORE - someone told me that "no matter how unpleasant a situation gets its only right now. I can work on any situation until I develop a happier tomorrow" or "things will get better" or "God brought me to this he will bring me out of this" or "the grass is not always greener on the other side" I'm tired of hearing these things that don't seem to help I have been so unhappy now for 8 months, I want to help myself but I don't know how and am I doing the right things or am I doing this to my own life - Pls help me!

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Our expert says:
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Dear Confused Melon,
I agree with our readers --- nothing you describe about this man sounds in the least bit loving, but rather thoughtless and exploitative. Surely you can do much better than this, and would be happier without him ? What is the point of a relationship where the things he flatly refuses to change, make you miserable ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: sweet | 2003/12/18

Cant believe you stayed so long? hope you have learned for next time that dont wait around for something that is not going to happen, dont try to change people that dont want to be changed, stop waisting the best years of you life

Reply to sweet
Posted by: V | 2003/12/18

WOW ! you have to endure quite a lot - listen to everyone and MOVE ON now with your life. You WILL find someone who will love and appreciate you the way you will someone else - Hang in its all going to be ok

Reply to V
Posted by: portuguess man | 2003/12/11

I have read your letter ..... and can see you have been through alot of pain, 6 years is a long time and it will take you a long time to heal, but its also alot to give up on, regardless of the family conflicts, you love him, and you were once happy with him if it lasted for so long, he obviously loves you too for a portuguess man to be with a women for so long it only means that you are his partner for life, because if he never loved you he would of been out the door long time ago with atleast one of those women you speak about, but yet you guys made 6 years. You know this man best and can u see your self with out him.Ask your self is he a good man ?

Reply to portuguess man
Posted by: tweety | 2003/12/10

I feel so sorry for you and yes the grass IS definately greener on the other side. myI 2nd half adors me and will do anything to be with me all the time, listen you do get wonderful men on this earth, just don't see them very often but they are out there you just have to open your eyes!

Reply to tweety
Posted by: Prilly | 2003/12/10

I agree with AUD. I once read in a book that us woman are still living in the old days, where we were tought that we NEED a man in our lives. That is total rubbish. We should learn to love ourselves and be happy with our own company. Live for you and only you, and once you hae that confidence about yourself you usually attract people that are of the same frame of mind, and that is the sort of person that you want.

Leave this jerk totally. I know it is hard, I have been there too. Don't laugh, but what helped me was this...........I would sit in front of a morror everytime I felt sad or lonely, I would imagine that he was opposite me and i would talk or shout at "him" and that way, I never forgot how badly he hurt me and how much better my life was without him. It also helped me get rid of my frustrations. If you do not want to try this, get to know yourself and what would make you feel better.

I hope you have a great life from here on and don't EVER let anyone walk all over you again. Learn not to take things so personally, remember that whatever anyone's opinion of you is, it is there's and not yours. You know who you are. Stick to that thought.

Good Luck

Reply to Prilly
Posted by: aud | 2003/12/10

I think you have done the right thing by moving out. This man does not deserve you. What kind of relationship is this that you are not free to socialise with your partner, where you cannot question things that do not please you, where there is no open and honest communication. I honestly think that he wants to get rid of you and does not know how to go about it. Go out with friend , re-establish ties with your family. Be involved in community activities, read magazines a lot to preoccupy your mind and not feel so lonely. Seek professional help if you can afford it. All the best and again you have done the right thing and stop going back to this good for nothing man. Good luck on your way to recovery.

Reply to aud

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