Posted by: BI | 2009/07/27

Letter to my boyfriend - from Bipolar

I wrote this to my boyfriend who had consistently accused me of lying and cheating on him with a male friend of mine. I have since ended the ' male'  friendship as well as ours. Is it worse for Bipolar women to deal with men?

You made me so happy.
I will not forget that. But I refuse to be tortured because you refuse to believe me.
My soul is tortured enough and each day is more of a struggle for me that you could ever imagine.

Getting up, being alive are DIFFICULT decisions for me. And you could never understand. I have an illness and you don’ t have to believe it for it to exist! I wish to die everyday and I have to FIND ways to convince myself otherwise.

You were one of the reasons I wanted to hold on, and of course other things, like my precious son, friends, family, the hope that I will find a job that I can actually be challenged in.

I cannot have your rejection of me make it any more difficult. I’ m too close to the edge, perilously close!

By consistently telling me I’ m lying and consistently making me cry, you are rejecting that I ever cared for you.

I am on the edge and it looks too good right now to just let myself fall down and not ever get back up.

That’ s why I asked you to back off. Because I don’ t want you to know when it happens.

I have had suicidal tendencies for a very long time, years, so this is NOT your fault. But the games you play are not going to help me fight these ever-present thoughts of genuine eventual relief from constant confusion between breathing and not doing so.

Call me a drama queen, call me whatever the fcuk you want to. These are realities I deal with every day of my god-forsaken life.

I have a new life phrase (for use NOT only with you but every male specimen alive): call me whatever you want, just don’ t call ME.

If you have the misfortune of ever meeting anyone who loves you again, this has to serve as a real life example of how NOT to treat them.
This story has a use after all!

CS, and others, I' m interested in your comments so I can refine the way I' m supposed to deal with relationships!! Right now, I would prefer not to! But they are an important part of life... if I in the end overcome this desire to die (which I would like to overcome, actually).

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Our expert says:
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I suspect men and women find each other hard to deal with, with or without bipolar disorder.
Funny how some people seem to believe that disease and illnesess and disorder are like the fairies in Peter Pan, who only exist if you believe in them, rather than recognize that they exist whether we like it or not.
Don't you find sometimes there an unfortunate sort of vicious cycle that arises, when one partner starts feeling bad and the other for whatever reason doesn't want to take it seriously ? The more he tries to ignore it, the more desperately you try to convince him, and the more fiercely he tries to ignore it or minimise it.
Anyhow, what comes across very clearly in your letter to him, whether or no he can recognize or appreciate it isn't as important as it may seem --- is that you are seriously distressed and deserve someone understanding to listen and to work with you towards solutions other than dispair. I hope you are seeing or will soon see, a shrink to share this burden with you Don't give this guy so much power over your life or over how you can and will feel.
I applaud your inner determination not to give in to thoughts of death. Its like playing chess --- if one is losing games consistently, surely rather than throwing away the board and abandoning the game, we should rather take some lessons and learn how to win ?

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