Posted by: andy | 2009/10/09

Left kids father now I' m reconsidering

I' ve been with my kids father for 9yrs, we have a 2yr old and 6month old, both boys. He has a drinking problem and are very abusive verbally and emotionally and financially. So I recently got a smaller place that I can afford with the intention of leaving him for good. He has not accepted the breakup and is currently staying with a friend.
He is full of promises of how he will change and is begging me to give him a chance to make things right by us. But I' ve heard it all before, nothing ever comes of his intentions to change, yet there is this voice asking me, shouldn' t you give him one last chance? He is also saying that he doesn' t want the boys to grow up without a father and he doesn' t want to be without them.
At the moment we are seeing each other casually, he comes to visit maybe sleep over than he goes, which is working for me but he wants to move in with me again and I don' t know which way to go here. Since we are not living together anymore he has been stepping up to his responsibility towards the kids and actually treating me better.

What do I do here CS, 20% of me wants to give him another chance, the other 80% tells a different story.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Abusers, and alcoholics, are often full of promises to reform. It is wise not to believe their verbal promises, and to ask to see lasting proof of the good intentions in good behaviour. Let him demonstrate continuing change, as promises are so cheap to make. Maybe the question is more what sort of chance to give him, than whether to give him any at all. You could tell him that he is indeed behaving a bit better lately, and that you do notice and appreciate that, but that from bitter experience you fear that the improvements would not last if you got back together at this time. If it is what you wish, perhaps suggest that you continue as you are at present, and see how well he can remain helpful, considerate, sober and non-abusive. You could feel more secure too if he enterest and remained in competent counselling, too.

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Our users say:
Posted by: mpho | 2009/10/12

ive been in the same situation before. i know this. the only chance u are giving him is to abuse u all over carefull

Reply to mpho
Posted by: almost mad | 2009/10/09

I think the dod is right that you need to see if he continues on this path of change. besides, nothing is stopping him from being a father to the kids. many parents get devorced and still are great parents. Let your children grow up in a a happy environment without his drunk and abusive behaviour. then If maybe after a year he has proven, together with AA that he has changed then maybe reconsider getting together again. explain this to him and discuss time apart.

Reply to almost mad

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