Posted by: On my last legs | 2009/03/27

leaving -is this abuse? - urgent pls ans

Hello doc, I wrote in a while ago as " dark horse" . My situation is a bit more complicated. You see, I don' t know if I really want to kill myself. I think I am more screaming silently for help. Last night I would have swallowed more than enough pills to kill me, but after a call to my mom last night, I think I should leave my husband. I have been remarried for under a year, have baby of 1 and 2 others. My husband allows me contact on the internet and sa calls (1x per week to my mom) but not calls to my family overseas. I am not allowed to go out to have a coffee or a movie. All I ever do is stay home with the kids - fetch the older ones from school, and go shopping for food. He says that this is because we don' t have money for luxuries. We don' t have medical aid - I am in constant pain because of holes in my teeth. My husband says sorry, no money (he makes about 30 k oer month) He is from an influential family, with my father in law a well known advocate,and he has gone as far as saying that i will lose all if i leave. I am sure I am bi-polar. Maybe worse. I have episodes where i become completely not myself, i become violent, and try to kill myself . it has been happening more and more often. My husband knows this and still refuses that I go see someone - citing finances again. Though he does buy his ADD medication fairly regularly. He keeps promising that i can go to gym, because I NEVER have time off or away from kids and him, but it just doesn' t happen. (really, i only see his family - and once in a while)

Yesterday he got very angry with me because I dared air my opinion on a certain matter (i must say that this was done via gmail chat and not in person, so he might have taken it all wrong. Anyway he didn' t come home and I didn' t know where he was. Up till now no communication from him. First I sent him an sms asking him to pls think of his baby and then I became hysterical. I wrote my suicide note and sent him an sms to come home because i wasn' t going to lkill myself at home for my babies to find me. I did in fact take alcohol and pills and left, but i was too worried the baby would wake up and cry and the kids would be scared. I came home and tried to call, but he switched off his phone. I took out all the pills but just couldn' t do it in the house. At 12:00 I called my mother, she is nearly 70 and was very upset, but she talked me through it. We decided that I would go to her - she lives 1200 km from me (I am all alone in my city). But I can only do this later, as I can only draw r1000 per day from my husbands account. When he knows what I am planning, he will cut me off from money (the bank account is in his name - i have no signature rights)

AM I right in leaving my 2nd marriage? I am so scared, my self confidence has gone from 100% 3 years ago to 0 today. WIll he be able to take my baby based on teh fact that I have these violent episodes (i am not violent to the kids - just to myself - and him when he interferes). I want o get help for my mental illness, I just don' t know where to go? Is he abusive or is he (as he will no doubt allege in court) just a man trying to provide his best for his family. Should I feel guilty for being in such a state? Am I just a worthless idiot trying to make something huge out of nothing because I am a spoilt b*tch? I am useless to society and dont know why i am so scared to just end it all.

Please help me? I love my kids (and my husband) so much and I don' t want to loose them. I would loose everything if I lost my kids! what must I do? Please, please help me?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Stop screaming for help and get help. yes, trying to harm yourself can only worsen the situation, but help is available. Even at a state / government clinic. Call Lifeline or som similar group to talk options through.
How does a man earning, or at least getting, 30 K a month, have "no money" for dental and other health services ? What on earth does he spend it all on ? WHy have you not set up your own bank acount, in which to place whatever money you could have saed by now, so as to give yourself some indpendence. ? It doesn't sound as if there is muh for you, or hildren, in this marriage to someone who sounds like a selfish control freak. Don't feel guilty for being distressed by distressing circumstances. Whatever yopu are, it doesn't sound like spoilt !
You are not uselss, even if not currently finding the best ways in which to be useful. And I doubt that you'd lose the kids --- he would have to pay maintenance, and a court would be reluctant to remove them from your cae --- and he sounds too selfish to actually want to care for them himself, other than to spite you.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Liza | 2009/03/27

Being black-listed should not prevent you from opening a bank account! You won' t be able to open an account with overdraft facilities etc, but you can open a normal savings account. I know - I' m blacklisted really badly myself. My account is with FNB - while they have blacklisted me for over R30 000...

Reply to Liza
Posted by: on my last legs | 2009/03/27

I cannot open a bank account because I was very ill during my pregnancy and had to stop working. It also took about 9 months to recover from a very traumatic prem-c-section during which the baby and I almost dies. Anyhow. I had debt and he refused to pay it, so now I am black listed and cannot open an account. He draws money for groceries and I have to account for each cent spent, either by showing reciepts or it being a fixed amount - like the maid. He handles all other payments.

Thank you for your words of wisdom. I am not really the person sitting here today, and I think that my eyes have opened now. I don' t think I have any other option but to leave him. It will, off course have to be done on the sly.

I will find help, thank you for your support.

Reply to on my last legs
Posted by: VV | 2009/03/27


Reply to VV
Posted by: Soul | 2009/03/27

This is only my opinion but it seems to me your husband has you on a very short leash with all the do' s and don' ts. You have recognised that you need help and his stopping you from getting it even going to the dentist, this is not right.

I don' t give a damn what position or status he has in life he is just a person and a terrible at that. It' s clear that his not concerned about your health and cry for help.

You mentioned that you can only draw a certain amount from his account at a time, you seriously need to open yourself a bank account and start saving money so you have it if you need to leave that you can put down a deposit and to cover you for a few months and your children. Keep doing this in the long run you' ll have saved quit a bit.

There has to be someone you can contact maybe famsa or lifeline they can point you in the right direction.

There is nothing in this world worth your life nothing is worth that especially not your husband, you have wonderful children and they need you.

I hope everything works out for you
Best of luck

Reply to Soul

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