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Question
Posted by: Ella | 2005/07/13

Learning acceptance

I am in my forties and divorced. Since my divorce I have not been in any relationship. Part of the problem is that I am not sexy or pretty and therefore do not get "noticed". I also hate the idea of dating. I want to be in a relationship, part of a family. But the catch is that I have to do the kinds of things that are more effective when you are 18 and gorgeous to get that. And it is not easy. I have decided that I must learn to accept that I will be alone for the rest of my life. But my yearning for a partner and a safe, stable relationship is so great that I don't know how I am going to achieve that kind of acceptance. Are there any suggestions out there, perhaps from some of you who have been down this road?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

"Sexy" and "pretty" are all in the eye of the observer, and most women are both ; but if they feel convinced that they are not, then it certainly does spoil their appearance by spoiling their self-confidence. And most 18-year-olds are NOT "gorgeous", so the task is much less difficult that you seem to assume. I agree with Liza about the importance of activities, classes, clubs, awhatever --- it keeps you cheerfully occupied, and lets you meet more interesting people, and without the hungry nervousness of the usual pick-up places.
Quotation ---Of course, Agatha Christie was also the woman who pointed out that she had the advantage of a husband who was a noted archeologist " So the older I get, the more interested he is !".

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Ella | 2005/07/14

The replies have really been uplifting and inspirational. SR = you are definitely my hero for the day! It is comforting to know that I am not alone in this and that others have managed to overcome the obstacles that I now face. My main goal is to make new friends - I think that is the most logical starting point. I feel the need to let others into my life, but after having lived in an exclusive relationship for so long, I am not sure how to. But the main thing is obviously to go out there and try new things - even if it seems impossible or difficult. Thank you everybody - my heart feels lighter this morning...

Reply to Ella
Posted by: lady nina | 2005/07/14

hi girl

i'm in the same boat but more year ahead then you, with the same longings

one thing i found was when i was in a marrage i wanted security, i wanted me x to change and i wanted a nice home and kids, after i've divorced i have security, both finacially and emotionally and i changed and i do have a nice home filled with peace

why is it that we always battle to be content with where we are in live? thats my goal to enjoy the season i'm in, because things change and when i reach 60 i would have wished my life away instead of living it

why don't you find a hobby, get involved in community work, start giving of yourself, that always gives me a lift, there is soo many out there who needs love and caring and attention that it's a sad day if we sit in our corner just because we don't have what we want

i find the more you give of yourself the more forfulled you are and the more you receive in return

i'm going to learn to be content with what i have and where i am in life, in 5 years i would be speak of the "good old days"

take care my friend

nina

Reply to lady nina
Posted by: Joanne E | 2005/07/14

You can be alone but that does not mean you have to be lonely!

Reply to Joanne E
Posted by: Faye | 2005/07/13

Hi, i'm in the same boat as you and i dont see my way out. I'm a sexual abuse survivor and my form of protection was to put on weight. I'm now i whopping 150kg and no man looks at me. Trying to loose weight is an endless battle. When i shed a few kilos and people notice, i go rushing to the fridge. I'm not sure it is the family thing i'm wanting. What i do want is somebody who loves me. I've never had that and i've resigned myself to the fact that i will always be alone. I'm also in Cape town. Maybe we can be friends.

Reply to Faye
Posted by: SR | 2005/07/13

Girls = I have learned that sometimes the ugliest can come out of the most beautiful and visa versa. It has nothing to do with outer beauty. As a matter of fact the more I grow older I look for what is inside.

Reply to SR
Posted by: quotation | 2005/07/13

I have enjoyed greatly the second blooming... suddenly you find - at the age of 50, say - that a whole new life has opened before you.
Agatha Christie
English mystery author (1890 - 1976)

Reply to quotation
Posted by: Paul | 2005/07/13

There is no reason to have to accept that you will be alone forever! Ek het al skewe potte gesien, en net sulke skewe deksels.

Reply to Paul
Posted by: Ella | 2005/07/13

You guys are great! I am in Cape Town - and boy do I need all the support I can get!

Reply to Ella
Posted by: Liza | 2005/07/13

Don't try to accept that you'll be alone for the rest of your life. Rather accept that you're currently alone. Then try to make yourself happy - do things that you've wanted to do all your life. Perhaps something like pottery classes, ballet lessons (yes at your age) whatever you've wanted to do, but never had a chance. If you want to skydive, let me know and I'll organize ;)

And I hope that you never learn to accept the 'fact' that you're 'too old', cause nobody is too old if they're young at heart.

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza
Posted by: Joanne E | 2005/07/13

see - you've made a new friend already!

Reply to Joanne E
Posted by: Joanne E | 2005/07/13

Do you have any children Ella?

Go out - try new things, and meet new people. If a man asks you out accept (as long as he is not creepy of course!) - a man and a woman having a meal together does not mean a date, just two friends enjoying each others company

Reply to Joanne E
Posted by: Bambi | 2005/07/13

Ella
I am 45, same problem. Where are you from? Maybe if in same area we can start a friendship and support one another

Reply to Bambi

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