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Posted by: CP MOM | 2004/10/26

Last nite

A guy came to visit me last nite. My daughter was very restless and came to the lounge a couple of times. I just took her back to her bed and she was okay with it. My cat was all over the couch as well and "it's his place" in any case at one stage I said to the guy that "between the cat and the child you're having a difficult time getting to know me" and laughed at which he replied : " the cat i can still swing by it's tail but your daughter...."

...err.... am I over sensitive ? or is this a really sh*tty remark ?

He's been very understanding so far, caring, helpfull and I've not picked up a single negative thing towards my child and he did not say it in a mean way or anything but when it comes 2 Nè I get worked up very easily......

Felt like emailing him today asking : WHAT WAS THAT SUPPOSE TO MEAN ?

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Our expert says:
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I know what you mean. It could have been intended as a harmless and funny remark, but it really wasn't, was it ? Yes it had a slightly sinister and bitter flavour to it. But some people do have a twisted sense of "humour" while actually being gentle in their actions. And as Jenna and others say, sometimes we can't think of what to say, but feel we need to say something --- and then say something that makes us feel all Foot In Mouth Disease ( remember me and my Guy Fawkes remark ? )
Sounds like his actions have spoken loudlty for his understanding, compassion and caring. And Kernel surely, as usual, seems to have come up with the most convincing translation of his off-the-cuff remark.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Kernel | 2004/10/26

Well CP Mom - what did you expect him to say? You put him in a spot and he said the first thing that came up in his mind.

The way I interpret his answer is that he does not see the cat as an obstacle in getting to know you better and that he does not know how to handle the situation when your daughter is present.

That is exactly why sometimes it is better for men to rather keep quiet and say nothing - because the answer always gets over analysed - women always think there is a hidden message behind anything men says. Some men has learnt this lesson - women call it lack of communication - catch 22.

Reply to Kernel
Posted by: marconi_love | 2004/10/26

I am a guy and single (devorch). Sometimes men go out with a woman and will do every thing as it should be. They will try hard to impress a gir to be supportive and understanding. But they not all the mrster perfect. And it depends on your atmosphere. If your admosphere is tight and no one nows what to say, a normal joke or a word like that is there just to brake the ice. It is not something serious. You could have only make a joke aswell and said, yes I sometimes feel like swinging him on the tail. Please gilrs do not be so uptight and come to quick conclutions. You do not even no this person well. He could be the best guy you have met.

Yo know a person really after about 2months of friendship. Then you start looking into the way he speaks to your children. There is very small detail to look into when he adress your daughter. Yes, and sometimes he will make mistakes of doing things wrong, because of a lack of nauwledge. But if he treats your daughter in a way of, braking her personality down in a very relaxed way. Or alwayse have something negative to say about her. Or treat her asif she is just something. Then you tell him to get lost for ever.
But if he walk into the house one day hand her a chocolate asking her how she is ect ect. Tell her that he things she is brilliant. Then there is no problem. And if you are in a relationship with him. And he is good to your daughter and you. And he ask you if you cannot let she stay over at friends that you can have time alone. DO not think he does not like her. It is because he wants to spend time with you alone.

Be realistic and judge each situation care fully.

Reply to marconi_love
Posted by: CP MOM | 2004/10/26

Thanx Paris - the dude's nice toooo .... hee hee

Chelle - sharp as always i see :-)

Reply to CP MOM
Posted by: PARIS | 2004/10/26

Men also make mistakes, and say stupid things. Just like us woman do. I think its silly for inc to suggest that a silly remark can be insight to what men are really like. And it's such a generalisation also.

We all make mistakes. He said a silly thing but probably doesn't even realize what he has said. CP Mom, i think you are being a tad oversensative. If he's not made your daughter an issue from the beginning then you should not make this remark one either.

I think this dude really likes you & your kid.

PARIS
XXX

Reply to PARIS
Posted by: Chelle | 2004/10/26

CP Mom - It seems like a comment made in jest to me.. as in we can swing a cat by it's tail, but there is nothing we can do about your daughter - i.e. no use complaining about the situation we're in - you were the first to mention something about the situation by saying that there was no time to get to know each other. His response in my opinion was just implying that there is nothing you can do about it. So, yes, he acknowledged the interruptions, but realises it's the way things are.

If all his behaviours are accepting of your daughter, then I wouldn't stress too much. (Oh, and of course, providing he doesn't really start swinging your cat around by the tail :))


To - As Chelle once said - Did I say that? Sounds too wise for me! :)


Reply to Chelle
Posted by: CP MOM | 2004/10/26

Dankie LULU en soos STRAYCAT sê dis nog "early days" maar die 4de date.

Ag jong dis maar net moeilik met so 'n kind jy weet ....

En apart van dit was daar regtig nog geen teken van niks nerens nie.. Sal maar die keer eers die kat goed uit die boom uitkyk voor ek myself blootstel vir seerkry...

Dankie vir die van julle wat werklik omgee en vir die goeie raad.

Reply to CP MOM
Posted by: lulu | 2004/10/26

Ek sou ook oorsensitief gewees het waar dit by my kinders kom, CP MOM. Vra hom rustig wat hy bedoel het en of hy 'n probleem met jou kat of met Né het voor dinge ontwikkel tussen julle en sy ware kleure kom later na vore.

Rather safe, than sorry...

Reply to lulu
Posted by: Huh | 2004/10/26

As Chelle once said

It don't find it entertaining , just sad.

Maybe CPMum would be happier if she managed to be happier within herself , and not look elseware for happiness. She was devasted a couple of weeks ago, and now there is a new man ?
If you like to go on about such things you may, but don't accuse people of finding "entertainment on peolpe's pain".
I can see the bigger picture and I don't thrive on unhappiness

Reply to Huh
Posted by: straycat | 2004/10/26

Its probably nothing...... he probably thought to himself (damm, that was stupid..) or maybe he thought nothing at all... so I would not worry about it...
Early Days.

:)

Reply to straycat
Posted by: CP MOM | 2004/10/26

By now I don't trust my anything anymore.... :-((

Reply to CP MOM
Posted by: Inc | 2004/10/26

CP Mom
It's the little sutle signs that give you an idea to a man's character... if you are uneasy about something, then you probably have reason to be... don't ignore your instincts.

Reply to Inc
Posted by: as Chelle once said | 2004/10/26

HUH?? It's people's lives and their pain we are dealing with. It's not about your entertainment.

Reply to as Chelle once said
Posted by: Huh?? | 2004/10/26

Were'nt u very upset a couple of weeks ago because you broke up with a man friend ?

If so , didn't take u long to get over him !!

Reply to Huh??
Posted by: CP MOM | 2004/10/26

Goeie mans is so skaars soos hoender tande so ek moet hom seker maar die "benefit of the doubt" gee .....

Reply to CP MOM
Posted by: Inc | 2004/10/26

My opinion: That was a crap remark... I would have thrown him off the bus... but that is my opinion.

Reply to Inc
Posted by: Bull | 2004/10/26

Ek dink hy het net gemeen dit sal maklikker wees om die kat aan sy kant te kry as die kind.

Hy weet tog hoe vas die kind aan jou is en ek dink regtig dit het gegaan dat dit maklik sal wees om die kat om te koop om van hom te hou maar nie die kind nie.

Kyk maar hoe dit gaan maar behalwe die opmerking wat jy dalk verkeerd opgeneem het, het hy nog nie eintlik vir jou rede gegee om te dink dat hy nie van jou kind hou nie.

Sterkte.

Reply to Bull
Posted by: NP | 2004/10/26

Just ask him casually what he meant?

Reply to NP
Posted by: Paul | 2004/10/26

I dont think you should construe this in a negative fashion at all.

Reply to Paul
Posted by: CP MOM | 2004/10/26

Jenna & CP Adult aka Emma :

Thank you sooo much. Yes maybe now is not a good time to take it up with him. On Saterday with the rugby and the braai afterwards he was absolutely fine with her, really. I did not pick up a thing - maybe over sensitive !!!!

He's been very good doesn't phone after 8 at nite to not wake her up etc. just sms very considerate... it's just that I thought this remark was really REALLY k*k.

Thanx Guys xXx

Reply to CP MOM
Posted by: Adult CP | 2004/10/26

It maybe that he is feeling uncomfortable about her and does not know how to handle the situation. Ask him straight out how he feels about her. It is normal for you to be a little over sensitive about her. He must realize that she is a big part of your life, and she is who she is.....

Good Luck.

Reply to Adult CP
Posted by: Jenna | 2004/10/26

Hi CP Mom

I don't think he was being insensitive. Probably did not know what to say at all, so he said the first thing that came into his head. Maybe it will not be such a good idea to confront him on this, you might jeapardize your relationship. Besides, you will be able to pick up any nasty remarks he might make in the future, and then you can set him straight.

Reply to Jenna
Posted by: D@mn | 2004/10/26

Rather judge a man by his deeds than by his words...
we all know men can talk a load of twak!

Reply to D@mn
Posted by: CP MOM | 2004/10/26

I think so 'coz he's just been supportive so far and even when I said i'm going to ask my mom to take her for Saterday nite so that we can go out he said i must not neglect her for the sake of our own needs....... so maybe yes he didn't think ?

He also never had kids of his own and maybe.... agh....maybe he just doesn't think, or understand or realize or ja...

Reply to CP MOM
Posted by: Q | 2004/10/26

Hi CP-MOM,

Yes it my have been n shitty remark but you must remember he is new to this game and needs to get his feet and become more sensitive to the situation. He could have been a dumb as and said and swing her by the pony tails or something stupid like that! Shame the poor guy most probably put his foot in his mouth as soon as he said it!!! LOL!!!

Reply to Q

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