Posted by: dricky | 2009/08/12

ladies why do we stay in

Abusive relationships? I' ve been with my boys father for the past 9yrs. We are not married but living together. He has hit me once or twice during the years but not in the last 2yrs he is more verbally, emotionally and financially abusive. Last week I put the plate with nando' s on the coffee table. Chicken was burning a bit so toddler didn' t want so I decided to make chips for him. Daddy was sitting with 4month old. I go back to the kicthen thinking he would put baby down and eat. He started shouting about how I' m taking him for a p... he ended up kicking food off the table. It was the only food in the house so I went back to kitchen to finish toddlers chips and left the chicken where it fell. After a while he picked it up again and ate.

He works 1 - 10pm gets home 10:30. He expects me to sit up withhim while he drinks. And let me go to sleep before him than its a big tantrum. If I go to sleep around 12 he comes to bed around 1 wakes me up for sex and let me refuse all hell will break loose. I can so no, he will just continue anyway, so I' ve learned to lie still so that he can finish and let me go back to sleep. and I have to get up during the night to feed baby as well.
I' m not even gonna go into the money matters.
I can see that this is an abusive relationship but why am I staying. For the sake of the kids? All that drunken shouting is not good for them. I' ve told myself many times you deserve better get out, but ended up with a second baby. How do you break lose. And how can I make it painless for our toddler(2yrs) who adores his father very much.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageDivorce support expert

Hi Dricky,

you are not describing a pleasant situation or a pleasant relationship.
You are being abused and you know it and you are providing the answers to your questions in acknowledging that the drunken shouting is not good for them and that you deserve better.
It has been accepted that it is not a divorce/separation which causes most pain for the children but the conflictual relationship with the parents and unhealthy family situation. In order to save your toddler from pain is to recognise his need to have both his parents in his life and allow for a responsible co-parenting relationship to happen. You may need some guidance at first to establish this but you have a right to be happy even if it's not with your children's father. It is your separation and not the children's separation and if their are no concern that their father is abusing towards them he may be a better father for them as well without the stress of the relationship.

Do not hesitate to forward any further queries but pls do so in a new post or directly to

Love and Gratitude

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