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Question
Posted by: anon 9 | 2006/10/26

lack of life

Hi CS
I am a stay at home mom. i have 2 little ones. I find myself totally overwhelmed by what i want to do and need to do that i end up doing nothing and just watch tv most of the day. I dont have a car to get around and we are financially not secure at the moment. I feel so guilty for doing nothing but feed and play with my baby and surf the net when i have some free time... i know looking after kiddies is not the most fun thing in the world , but surely it can be exciting some of the time? Every now and again i get a spurt of energy and totally blow myself away ( like yesterday) but those days are far and few inbetween. Is it unreasonable to want to have excitement and ambition and drive all the time? Are there people like that out there? Over weekends my husband always says " so what are we doing? and i reply with "something fun!"
I have a need to know all the details of everyday and be able to plan my day but with breastfeeding and a toddler that is next to impossible!!! It feels like my dirty little secret that my life seems to go nowhere at a very fast pace! i keep telling myself i am investing this time into my children and most biblical books i read relay that message that children need their mom at home and that children thrive with that. I love my children and i want the best for them but how do i shake this uneasy feeling of doing nothing "great" . I need to know i am doing a good job and i want people to tell me that. I want to be admired and looked up at and be an inspiration to many. How do i get there? From here....how do i have the best of both worlds? aworld where i am present for my children and where i fulfull my destiny??

Here is another issue..
My dad remarried this lady when i was 10. her two children and us made 5 children. To make a loooooooonnnnnnnnggggggg story short , our house was a warzone. A lot of fighting and a lot of hate especially from the children toward the stepmom. She wrote letters ( to herself )wherein she said she didn't like us three etc.
I hated her for a long time for the way she treated my sister and brother and always tried to stick up for them . My question , after all these years , we can visit and have a good afternoon , but i still often think about what happened and her lack of apology and i often have nightmares about her where i fight with her and actually want to kill her in my dreams. How do i get over this? I am totally jealous of the way My dad treats her daughter. The two of them ( Daughter and mother) keep secrets from him and i think that is disgusting. Do i tell my dad? uuuuurrrrrgggghhh! Why is life sooo complicated???
I wrote in a couple weeks back about my real mom and wanting to save her? I dont know if you remember , but i am the same person...hope you can shed some light...

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Our expert says:
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it may be reasonable to want to make your life more fulfilling that you feel it is right now --- but contant excitement, etc., isn't a feature of ANYBODY'S life. Raising children well is of coruse something Great to do, and you can do more, as well as that, not instead of it. But it sounds as though you may have been absorbing unwholesome and misleading messages from the TV.
People who do become great enough to be looked up to and admired, don't get there by setting out with that aim in mind ( people who do that are usually sickening, vain and boring ) --- they set out to do something that is worthwhile, and to do it well, and eventually, by doing good things well enough, they may come to be admired. But even then, many of the nicest people who do the best things, don't get the recognition and admiration you might expect.
Maybe seeing a counsellor would help for a start, to clarify realistic and achievable aims, and to work out how to get there from here.
If the three children hated the stopmom ( probably without much good reason ) and made life miserable for her --- what should she apologise for ? IS she the one who actually needs to apologise ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: kat | 2006/10/26

well anon 9. dont worry it gets easier, while you are at home why not study so that when the time comes and the kids need to go to chreche you can then go back to work. i am finaly now starting to work on my carreer my son is 9 and daughter is 3. i look at my life and now im starting where other people are way ahead but if i look back i can say that i had something most mothers dream of and that was the time with my kids when they are little. dont let yourself get down i know the no transport thing is also huge but its ok and it does get better. like i say start doing something constructive with your alone time and maybe take up a hobby. if you study you will at least feel like you moving in some type of direction. good luck. and how is your real mom doing. any better?

Reply to kat
Posted by: Garfield | 2006/10/26

Hi Penny

I don't think that you need to feel guilty about the way that you are feeling at all. You are a person that needs growth and stimulation, as well as being a full time mom.

Would you consider studying? It doesn't cost a lot through UNISA; you can choose how much time you have available - (I work a full time job and I am studying my second degree, so I really don't have alot of time, but still manage it somehow!!!); it occupies your time and you mind; you get so much out of it as you study; and then you get a degree(s) or qualification at the end of it. Really useful too, as by the time your child is in school, you will have a lot more time to yourself, so why not prepare for it now, by learning about what you want to do.

As long as humans have goals we have hope ... get inspired and go and do something for you which also works for the situation you are currently in. If you feel fulfilled as a person, chances are you will also be a better mom - so keep looking after yourself as well as your child too!

Reply to Garfield
Posted by: penny | 2006/10/26

anon 9 i think that staying at home with your kids is a fantastic thing for a mother to do. i mean if u gusy can survive on one salary i would say that is a blessing and u kids are very fortunate because there are a lot of parents out there that would love to do that but due to lack of finances they cant. so stop feeling bad about it just enjoy it.maybe you can take up a hobbie or somethign that can keep you busy but really im sure that your kids keep u busy always butits is always good to have a sense of self so maybe do somethign that makes u feel that u are nurturing your existance. but really ur kids should be all of the above but then sometimes you find that u maybe are a bit more ambitios than ur normal stay at home mom, maybe u could see if u can start up a small business that wont require too much of ur time as to take u away from ur kids too much...but really there ar ea lot of things u can do that can fullfill ur sense of purpose in life. good luck.

Reply to penny
Posted by: Echelle | 2006/10/26

You need to be grateful that you are a stay at home mom! Today there's not much moms that can afford to stay home. You are really lucky. If you are breastfeeding I don't think you have to worry that much about cleaning, because I know that breastfeeding takes ALLOT of your energy. Clean one thing at a time, one room a day, and so you will keep the house clean. Let your toddler help you clean and make it a "fun game". Television is bad for you, and that is wat's making you lazy. Leave the TV for a while and try to do something that will make you want to do more.

Reply to Echelle

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