Posted by: lady nina | 2009/01/28

kids and x-in-laws


hope you are well !! and the best for 2009

i just want to run something past you please

the kids are now 16 and 12 - raising them alone for the last 8 years have been tough but we are doing fine, the relasionship between dad and kids are quite good, he works overseas and whenever he is in sa we all go away on weekend or so,

the x parents hardly had contact with my kids in 8 years - only when dad is home and he visits will my kids go along - even then they were pretty much ignored

dad has other kids which were raised by his parents - one left home and school at 14 - drugs sex and drink pretty much says it about her life, she use to be a messed up kid which have turned into a mean and disrespectful young adult, the other left school for a while and is now 19 and in matrick - he drinks/parties and smokes.
now when ever dad visits we all go on holiday and for a couple of day the other kids are ok to have along - i do however keep a eye on the influence they have on my kids.

in dec the x inlaws asked if my 16 year old could go on holiday with them for a week ( i must say i said yes because i just needed some peace over xmas ) during this holiday my daugher seems so be liked by the gran mother ( who hates me) and a lady who like my x really became a " understanding friend"  to my child
althou i must say her motive is to get into dads good books - which is fine but using my kids is not fair

i have not stopped het from contacting them via mxit and sms - when she got het (very good) results for exams - the gran parents are now every proud of my child ...

now on the one hand i am happy for every person who can love my kids but i don' t think thye are a good influence on my child
none of them really made a success of their lives, they have so many values that differs from mine - eg i teach the kids the deal with problems as mature as they can - at grannies home you get voilent or run away from difficult circumstances -

the inlaws are one of the big reasons i ended my marriage

now they asked dad ( they don t speak or deal with me - the mother) if my daughter can visit the weekend ......

i said no - luckily she has something on the weekend but i' ve opened a door in Dec and it seems difficult to close now

b - the teenage is tough - we fight and she does stupid things - i cant expose her to people who live the " easy"  way and have nothing - in a moment of anger towards me she might do something stupid - and i' ll sit with the problems

the reason i know grannies motives are not for the good of my child is a comment she made a while back - we went away for a weekend with dad and he got my d a 6 pack of biracdi - this news was told to her by the other siblings and her comment was "  well i hope she loves drinking so much the will continue drinking and then she ( me) will she her kids are not as good as she thinks and she can also have a problem teenagers"  well its to that effect anyway - i mean i was shocked that she could wish my child something bad just to hurt me.

now i did tell my daughter i don' t think it' s a good idea - but i can' t speak bad of the people - as much as i want to !!!

how should i deal with this

personally i dont think they can add value to my child life, i want to surround my child with peopl who have good values and morals
peopel who can inspire her to better things - not people who will set a bad example - i jknow she is 16 and i must let go soon but
i think she is not up to these people

please let me know - thx for readly my long mail


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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hmm, sounds like the other woman's aim may also be to diturb your relationship with your kids ? It may as you notice, be difficult and counter-productive to try to stop those contacts, but frequent and longer stay-overs / sleep-overs sound less adviseable. Isn't your 16-year-old old enough for you to discuss these concerns directly with her, and perhaps enable her to enjoy some friendship with these other relatives, while innoculating her against some of the damage that might be done ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: GAP | 2009/01/30


Don' t overprotect your child, let her see that theie are people out there who live their lives differently to how you have raised her. You have raised her well and she will not follow their example. I speak from experience I was raised in a very strick home and bording school and because of this I was not aware of what some people are really like and I have suffered set backs in life for being too innocent. people have used and abused me and now I don' t trust anybody. Let your daughter know that there are " bad"  people out there and let her learn to cope with these people.

Reply to GAP

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