Posted by: stuck | 2005/12/07

Kid vs GF

My gf is very old fashioned and does not approve of my teenage daughters dressing. My daughter dresses like any typical teenage girl (short skirts, hipsters, short t/shirts,etc). I don not have a problem with her dressing, as I have always encouraged her to be proud of her body n dress to please herself.
My daughter for her part has been very supportive of my being gay n has a good relationship with my gf.
I have my gf complaining that I should get my daugther to dress conservatively n I have my daughter complaining that I should get my gf to back off. Please advise!
How do I handle this without hurting either one of them?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageGay, lesbian and bisexual expert

Hi Stuck and thanks for posting here.

Somehow you've become entangled - as you say, stuck - in a family dynamic. Your family system consists of three two-way relationships between yourself and your daughter, yourself and your partner, and between your daughter and your partner. These relationships all influence each other and operate within the unique culture of the family, including power dynamics, communication patterns, roles, rules and norms, and how conflict is resolved.

The best advice is for you to step out of the current role of trying to contain the stress - and I suggest you start by discussing and sorting out your relationship with your partner. Any residual or unresolved issues here could impact on your partner's relationship with your daughter. Ensure that your partner feels included in the family and appreciated as a co-parent, and that she's not competing with your daughter for your attention. And she'll need to understand why she can't force her own dress-sense onto your daughter.

Next, it could be wise for you and your partner to jointly talk with your daughter and sort out the collective family 'rule' regarding individuality and how people express this. Allow space for people to agree to disagree. Give things time to simmer, during which you encourage your daughter and your partner to speak to each other directly while you carry on with your own business.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Pete | 2005/12/07

Hi, I have been in a relationship with a guy for 10 years he has two sons one is 21 the other 18, I have never had a problem or one single fight with the children and simply because my place is to support and to help, I can never be their parent but I am their friend, tell your gf do approach it like that as a friend and not a parent, she will find that it will work wonders for everyone...teenagers hate being told what todo as you know..... teel your gf to focus on the positive things she has brought to your child and to let go of the negative....she must stand aside on this one...she made the choice to be ith you and your daughter she should stand aside and remember this is a teenager lets not get caught up in the love them both and tell them that, but the child is a child and needs advise only from the mother otherwise it will cause despair for everyone,

Reply to Pete
Posted by: stuck | 2005/12/07

Thanks Guys

Reply to stuck
Posted by: Jules | 2005/12/07

Hi Stuck

This is a difficult one but I will try and give you advise because I was in a simular situation. I have a son and somethimes he dresses out of a horror picture. Tung ring lip ring he tore his jeans on the knees but he is a wonderful kid and looks can be deceiving espesially if you see him for the firs time lol. My boyfriend is the real "boerseun tipe" and this did not go well for him.He was always complaining about his clothes and one day I just told him that I who is his mother accept him the way he dresses and I am not going to change my son in something that he is not. Because if you try to change a teenager they will get rebellous and then it will difficult for everybody. Your'e g/f must try to accept. If you start to tell your'e girl she must change the way she dresses I can promise you she will resent you and your'e g/f.

Reply to Jules
Posted by: Mz Candy | 2005/12/07

There will always be something that your daughter or your girlfriend will be uncomfortable with about the other one. You need to make them understand this and that they need to accept one another with their shortcomings. Talk to both of them separately because you have different relationships with them and hopefully things will work out. Don't take sides and don't show favorism. I assume they both mean the world to you so let them see it in your eyes when you do chat to them.

Good luck.

Reply to Mz Candy
Posted by: sweetie | 2005/12/07

Hi i think you sit down with both of them, also in all due respect i think that you are the mother of your daughter & not your gf. I feel that if you are ok with it , then fine , your gf cant say anything regarding your daughters dressing up.It would be a different case if your daughter was into drugs (hyperthetically) then your gf could complain out of concern , but dressing up my friend that is not a big issue. You should tell her to leave it just there it will sting a bit but there is no better way that you can do it. Hope i wasnt to harsh on you..

Reply to sweetie

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