Posted by: Anon5 | 2009/08/03

Kan nie meer nie

Dear CS
I' ve been with my partner for 9yrs. We have 2 boys one 2yrs the other 4months. We both have good jobs but alot of debt.
We' ve only been living together for the past 2yrs.
When my first son was born he moved in. I had a nanny for the son whom he paid and that was it. I did everything for my son, paid the rent and bought food. When I saw I' m not getting to everything I spoke to him about it and he just help once or twice with nappies etc. I ended up making 5 loans in 1 year. Nanny gave me hell so I let her go.
We decided to split the rent and daily expenses. He only do his part once in a while and just expects me to make a plan when we are running short of something.
Second boy was born and all the promises of helping and taking care of he kids were made but everytime the kids need something I have to beg and borrow money from colleagues.
4 month old are still wearing the same clothes that was bought for his birth cause daddy promised to buy the winter clothes now he is refusing saying he has too much debt.
He expects me to make a plan for everything. I' m sitting her at work, I don' t have money for rent, 2yr old needs nappies and the baby needs milk and clothes. Ask daddy to buy it, he just said he doesn' t have money for it whilst I know he has money. He showed me a stack of money last night which he is going to pay his credit card with and he won R300 lotto.
So the responsibility to see that kids get the nappies and milk today is mine. I don' t know what to do. Loan sharks? I cannot make any more loans.

CS I cannot do this anymore, I tried. I' m sitting here saying to myself that the kids will be better off dead, cause I' m failing them as a mother, I am in the process of applying for debt counselling but how do I overcome these thoughts of ending my and the kids lives.

4 month old only drinks formula during the day and breast feed at night and over weekends. But this weekend my breast milk was suddenly not enough. Can stress cause less milk production cause all I do is stress and worry sbout where our next meal will come from and where we will go if we get evicted.

sorry for the long post but I just couldn' t stop typing. and I just want you see the full story. Please help.

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Our expert says:
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If you both have good jobs, (a) why are you having to support him ? and (b) why are the pair of you in such bad debt ? Where is the money going ? Are you generally living beyond your means ? Why does he expect you to support him ? Has he no pride ?
If he isn't really paying for any of the expenses of you, the children and the home, what on earth IS he spending his money on ? How on earth has he got into debt ? Does he gamble, or waste money on drink / drugs ? And if you are running short of money for food and child-care, again, what are you spending the bulk of your money on ? Presumably accomodation, and what else ?
Where does he suddenly get a stack of money from ? And where does it go to ?
( Yes, by the way, stress an indeed interfere with your milk production, as can depression ).
You are NOT failing your children as a mother, and children would NEVER EVER be better off dead. Nor would you.
From the sound of it, you and the children might well do better if you left the lazy bum behind, got a small place of your own and left him to pay for himself, but went to the maintenance court which would REQUIRE him to pay full maintenance for the children, an could arrange for this amount to be deducted rom his pay before he gets a chance to waste it.
And surely your fsamily ( and , indeed, his ) should be helping, too).
Debt counselling is an excellent idea, and you also need, urgently, to see a shrink, either privately ( if you have a good job, you should surely have medical aid ? ) or through your nearest major state facility, about what sounds like a severe depression.
D's comments make a great deal of sense.
Survive, an ensure that your kids survive, because you all deserve to survive and eventually to find happiness. YOur boyfriend sounds like an irresponsible kid, and deserves no sympathy whatever

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Our users say:
Posted by: D | 2009/08/03

Debt counselling was the best thing you ever did. You say you earn well, so it would be easier to pay things off. Can you perhaps take a bond out or second bond? Sell your car, myabe travel by public transport, much cheaper, changing formula and nappies to a cheaper version. 2 year olds clothes can be kept for baby. Can family help out? Its time you kick the guy to the curb,then to maintenance court, then he has to pay.
You will be happier and things will be cheaper without him.

I say all of this for the most important reason of all your kids, your children, 2 YEARS OLD AND 4 MONTHS HOW CAN YOU EVEN THINK IT. Rather give them up for adoption before you even consider that, or get a family member to look aftre them once you have dealth with your depression. They mean so much to you and you to them. DOnt become another article in the newspaper, I cry everytime I read how parents commit suicide and take their kids with them.

I am going through so much financial difficulties too, my son is almost a year and we both also fight over finances, and I am grateful my boyfriend isnt as bad as yours but would never harm myself and my kid on the contrary thats what keeps me going.

Dont give up, many more people worse off than you and they survive, it would make you so much stronger, get rid of the guy please.

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