Posted by: Unhappy | 2005/07/28

Just want to be Happy, but how?????

I will try to keep it short

Since when I was young my father where an alcoholic and abuse my mother, my brother and me. One day my mother went away, leaving my brother and me with my father and his to daughters. (Father where married before) My father got a hold off my mother and told her he would place us in the orphans home if my mother would not come back. My mother did came back and left my father again and we stayed with my mothers sister (it happened a few times) I was I 7differant primary schools. At last, we ended up in Gauteng without my father, but after 3months, he fined us again and my mother took him back. He was still drinking a lot and later on started to smoke dagga. He started to get more abusive. When I was in Gr.10, we left him for good, went, stayed at family care centre in the homeless, and abused section. I thought things would get better from there on but it got worse. My father was out of the picture. I started to be rebellious and a total B*tch. My grades dropped we did not have any money and my father did not wanted to pay child maintenance. I was only 15 years old. I changed and many people liked me where we stayed at the centre I was always happy on my face but was crying in my heart of all my pain an unhappiness. My mother did not notice it and so did not other people. One day my cousin (fathers side) was trying to contact me when I was in gr.11, it was strange because since we left my father they did not contact us at all. My mother kept us from the phones in the centre. I asked her what was going on, she told us to follow her, we went to one of the rooms and see told me and my brother that my father had died from an heart attach about an hour back, I was shocked. My father’s family blamed my mother and that causes the reason for us not going to the funeral.

My mother got his pension money and we where still living in the centre. That year things got worse, I started to smoke and sniffed glue and after a while, I tried to commit suicide but did not succeed, I know now it is not worth it. I got a new best friend and my mother allowed me to visit her every weekend. I went to church 3times on weekends. Stop with the glue but still smoked but occasionally. We had a huge fight and I got myself new friends, the popular’s. Since I was small, I was always the odd one out and in this group to, I am still otherwise. I passed Gr.11 with 1%. My life was still a show always smiles. My mother did not know about the glue and smoking. In matric, I thought a guy will make me happy, I did find a boyfriend but one off those your friends warn you about. I did not listen and lost my virgin with the person. After that he left me and I was hart broken, but got over him and find some one else. From then on I never stayed long with a guy I only broke there hearts like my ex did to me.

All my subjects were on HG even though since we did not live with my father I stopped studied. I did not needed to study because I concentrated in class and had good memory, but that did not give me good enough marks for my mother but I passed most subjects except Biology, could not like the teacher a total bore. That year I entered the schools Beauty pageant and won, it was the Highlight of the year. I started to slip out to parties because people expected me to be there and got trouble and my mother stopped being over protected. I stopped smoking and got a tattoo before my matric farewell. I met a H I totally adore, we went out for five months I stayed with him and his parents. We split up but I still stayed there. I then went out with one of my friends brother, he only saw me on weekend nights. One night late he called me and said he is coming to pick me up I told him it is to late and he told me he will make a noise if I don’t came out. Eventually I went with him, he was drunk and wanted sex and I did not wanted to, he forced me to and raped me. He takes me home and I did not hear from him, I only told my ex about it because I did not want trouble going to court and so on. Then I become friends with a girl that sleeps around a lot, I ended up having sex with her cousin, we are not friends anymore. My lived changed and I become a better person I am now dating H again and I am happy but sometimes I get depressed and paranoid. There are many things bothering me but I need someone to talk to, this is only half off the things that happens. I still smile and laugh but crying in my heart. I have a lot off things on my mind. I don’t know how to handle everything. I am always friendly and try to make every one around me happy, but why can’t I be happy like I wanted to be?

I just want to be happy and independent, how?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I can understand, reading through this, how even the short version, needed to be long ! Sorry to hear that you had such a distressing and complicated childhood. Your mother going off and leaving you with an alcoholic father was unkind. Well, you sound like a particularly intelligent ( but not always wise ) person, strong and capable enough to have survived through a whole series of very difficult circumstances. You deserve proper counselling, whether via a school or church resource, to work through all the issues you have accumulated, so you can discover in personal detail, how to keep yopurself happy and contented and successful, without feeling the need to work so hard at pleasing everyone else. Maybe Lifeline can help ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Elsie | 2005/07/28

You really had it rough. I would suggest that you contact Lifeline or something to deal with the feelings you are suppressing inside before they explode and make everyone around you disappear therefore making you more depressed.i I admire your strength to admit you have not reached the level of happiness that you want for yourself. Get help, it's the first step to reaching your ultimate happiness.

Reply to Elsie
Posted by: ladynina | 2005/07/28

hi girl

i'm sorry you had such a tough life, but you have the potential inside you to turn this around, to learn from others mistakes instead of making the same ones

i believe the following " bad feelings comes from bad behaviour and bad behaviour comes form bad input"

watch what you see, hear and do.... don't listen to negtive people, don't mix with the wrong crowed, don't watch voilent and sex movies and tv shows

let the "input" be positive and uplifting and soon you will be acting wisely and that will make you feel better about yourself

chose wisely and soon you "happy"
"happiness is chosing to guard that you allow into your heart"

eg if you read a good book - that makes you smile , you walk to the kitchen with smile on your face to make coffee, you see mom making dinner and you make her a cup , she says "thank you" you are kind and that she loves you - you walk away with a warm feeling in your heart - now that is happiness!

be wise young girl - you have so much to good to offer us


Reply to ladynina

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