Posted by: me | 2004/01/07

just to tell somene whats going on in my head

We travel together to work and back. When getting home at night after having tea, he leaves – only to get back after ten, and Fridays much later. He works EVERY Saturday and Sunday, leaves home before eight in the morning and only gets back after twelve – one; and sometimes only the following morning. I’ve never ever asked him where he’s been – because it is a relief when he is not there! Then we can watch programmes we like and the channels don’t get changed every ten seconds. Our company closed on the 19th, and I could leave at 12:30. When I called to tell him, he said he could not leave and I should go home and he’ll call me to fetch him. I then thought it’s a good time to take the kids shopping, (I always leave it to the last minute), and as we are in the shops, he calls and I tell him where we were and he wants to know (as usual) how long I’ll be. The shops are full, cashiers lines are long…but I had to leave and fetch him. Came to his work place and then he tells me he is not ready. Ok I tell him I’ll go to a shopping mall not far from there, because I have not done shopping, and he says OK. I just arrived at the shop, which is not even ten minutes drive from his work, and he calls to ask if I’m finished. I say no and ask him if I could finish shopping and he says OK. Scarce fifteen minutes passed and he calls again – lucky I got what I wanted and we leave to pick him up. I try to do shopping the Saturday, but because kids take their time to decide, we only get a few items. Go to the shops again the Monday and Tuesday, he calls and moans because I’m at the shops.
Now he is on leave since Monday (I am back at work), and he leaves home round about eight and only gets home late. He inconveniences me, because I have to wait for him to get home so he parks first, because I must get out in the morning. Last night he gets home at 12:30, I was not feeling well – coming up with flu, and he does not even apologise (not that he ever does). I’m just fed up. I don’t call him to find out his whereabouts, but he can call a million times to find mine. If I visit my family he calls to find out when I’ll be home; when I go to the shop he times me, and if he calls and hears I’m still at the shop (while he is not even at home), he moans. H wants me to smile and chat to his family who treats me like dirt, but when my family comes on the times when he is at home, he goes and lies on the bed (that’s why no one comes to visit me anymore). He NEVER goes out with us, and it is our old family tradition to go picnic on New Years day and I always take the kids out – he never comes along, but this year after me planning the whole thing like I always do, he wants to come along and invites his family and then he insults me in front of them and other people. He even swore at me in front of my mother, because I was talking to the guys with whom I arranged to spend the day with (my sister’s boyfriend and his friends and their girlfriends), and then say I can talk to men, but I cannot talk to his family. He hates it when he sees me talking to guys – even the kids in our neighbourhood – I cannot even greet the guys.
I don’t expect an answer from you guys, I just felt like “talking”.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Dear me,
Dear me indeed. By all means let off steam, if that helps.
SWouldn't it be worth it to make it clear to him in a discssion, that the way he is running your lives is a problem for you and causes you great irritation and discomfort ---and suggest that you get involved, together, in marriage counselling ? These issues ought to be practical to sort out, but of course they won't solve themselves.
He sounds like a rather "driven" guy, over-working and perhaps obsessive about what he does, and not thinking of how his behaviours impact on you and the kids. Counselling can help to enrol him in the interesting idea of becoming even more "perfect" at being a good husband and dad, as he seems to be wrapped up in trying to be perfect at work.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: eve | 2004/01/08

is this your husband or a jail warden? he sure keeps you under control, you have a lot of patience by staying with this guy, he reminds me of the type that will never listen to what you have to say. can you bear it any longer if no, then leave as quick as you can. this life is horrible you deserve better.

Reply to eve
Posted by: me | 2004/01/08

Thanks for responding
No he works for telkom. And by the way he never has money but works EVERY DAY. Ok i know about tax deductions, but then I would not work such long hours if the tax man got more out of it than my family. That is why I left my job in a medical practice - because of long hours and low pay!
He seldom spends time with us; we don't even attend the same church AND he never goes to his church. We never go out together as a family - exept for this past new years day. {Well he spent most of the day with his fam anyway so tat does not count}. I can count on my one hand the occasions we went out as a family, and then he wants to leave early. I remember once we went out for a meal with the kids - we had to eat so quick because he was restless. when he is at home all he does is critisize the way we clean/cook - and he lays on the sofa ALL the time in front of the tv and does not even get himself a glass of water - we have to do it. He used to take leave from 16 Dec to 19 Jan - but for the past three years did not. I think when he took that time was when I did not take leave { my leave period was in August}. See my reason for saying he only needs us to cook and clean. Last night he came home also just after eleven; apparently his cousin got married, and he was at the party. he then only by the way told me the two of us are invited to join the rest of the family on Saturday for a party - and the kids? no; but I have a toddler of two years old - oh you can leave them with the sixteen year old. I don't think so. He knows my policy when my side of the family has parties:"If my children are not invited, don't expect me to be there". I just mean we had our time to go out alone or as a couple when we were single, but we have a family now. Don't get me wrong, the kids can go out with their friends whenever they want to, but for family gatherings we go as a family - minus the father.

Reply to me
Posted by: Joy | 2004/01/08

It is interesting that he works seven days a week.
Does he own his business or is he employed. Why does he take leave seperate to you. Surely it would be beneficial to you and yours that family spends time together. When does he spend time with the chn and with you. He is not treating you fairly, and I suggest that you start questionning his actions. If you are in a relationship, there should be some accountability of sorts.
Best wishes to you for the new year.

Reply to Joy
Posted by: VeVe | 2004/01/07

I agree with S about phoning him and asking about his whereabouts as often as you can. You have kids, so its best to try and work this out with a shrink. Just dont put up with his bad behaviour anymore. You teach people how to treat you.

Reply to VeVe
Posted by: S | 2004/01/07

My advice is to leave this guy as quickly as possible. You deserve much better. Start asking him about his whereabouts and phone him every hour to find out where he is and what he's doing - check the reaction! There are very nice, decent men out there that will be happy to treat you like a human!

Reply to S

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